Psycho Through the Hollywood Meat Grinder

Bates Motel...it was a good run. But I've given it two seasons and nope...it didn't improve. Having read some of the reviews it perplexes me what people find to be quality. Admittedly I'm always going to set the bar high for a series like Bates Motel because of its pedigree and source material. For me this show had less to do with fleshing out what makes Norman Bates tick, and more to do with chucking a recognizable franchise into what could have been a series based on any characters thrown into a crazy nonsensical drama. To be honest, I'm being nice saying drama. This is pure soap on the scale of True Blood or American Horror Story. A lot of twists and turns that do nothing to ultimately grow such an outstanding character. 

When starting this I had hoped for a slow burn psychological drama that would search the inner darkness much more. Instead we get a mess of weed dealing kingpins, city hall mess, and a small town full of high level criminals. That isn't believable for any part of this country. Psycho was the first slasher movie. The first time film really explored a deeper, darker side of psychosis at such depth. It was a complex "horror" story like nothing anyone had seen. People fainted in this movie when it was released. While I consider Vertigo to be Hitchcock's masterpiece; Psycho had always been a close second. It featured the birth of the first scream queen (Janet Leigh) who was the mother of the most famous screen queen (Jamie Lee Curtis). Bates Motel had a lot to live up to. This show fails and it fails badly. It doesn't even come close. What did I expect from the network that airs "Duck Dynasty". Ugh.

A Closet We ALL Need to Come Out Of

I know I'm posting a lot today. My head is much clearer so I must have a lot to say. We are at critical mass folks. Mental health is an epidemic in this country. And this isn't about giving your kids Ritalin for being kids. Or giving pain meds because you sprang your pinkie finger. This is about untreated and un-diagnosed deep seated issues that are affecting our workplace, our communities, and our families. This idea that we've created to of entitlement any time someone gets help or that if you have a condition you are crazy just furthers the issue because it creates fear and makes it hard for those that need help to get it. I know I'm not well. I haven't been for a LONG time. I've been working this process for years and every time I see there is hope I end up discouraged because there is no sure answer or I feel like society deems me a second-class citizen. But I am not living in fear of my mental health issues. I may slip back into fear but I keep coming back up for air.

The reason I write this is because every time I see one of these shootings it breaks my heart. I'm a big strong man but seeing babies, families, and communities torn apart puts me in tears. And before you all jump on me for being against guns while I have made some posts in the past they were an emotional knee jerk reaction. I don't want to take anyone's right to have a gun. I don't want to take away rights period. But I do think it is time that we notice this for what it is. Hurting people who feel they have no answers. I feel that way all the time. I hear people love me. I've gotten help from some amazing people. But in the end I still come back to being called "lazy" and "a moocher" or that I feel "entitled" to get help. Let me ask you...if you were in the same position wouldn't you want all the help you could get to get better and be a productive member of society? I'm the worst about giving myself grace in these areas, and the lies and misunderstandings we operate from just doesn't help those in similar positions to mine. I just want to be better and get back to giving back.

So as I write this I ask do you know anyone that is struggling? Is there signs that something greater may be happening here than just a bad day? If so then if you truly love them you will say something. You will act. The best explanation I can give you to understand mental health and its treatment is this: if you had a broken leg you would go get it set and put in a cast. Well mental health is like that. Your brain is broken. The only difference is you can't just put a cast on it. Mental stability while maintaining life is one of the most difficult tasks in the world. You just don't cope like "normal" people. I put normal in quotes because it is really a relative term. But it is what so many people I've worked with and even myself have cried out. The desire to normalcy. The desire to love and be loved. The want to work within your gifts and let those gifts shine.

If you know anyone you might suspect of having a mental health issue if you truly love them you will come beside them in support and encouragement. You will do anything and everything to make sure they are getting the help they need, even if it is just becoming a cheerleader for them in rough days. Untreated we see too many people die. We see too many people homeless and ineffective because they don't understand or can't afford to treat illness, and a lot choose self medication that leads to addiction and worse. We may not live in a perfect country...I know I bitch a lot about it...but we live in a country with more opportunity than anywhere in the world. We just choose to squander it. There is nothing more important than the health and well being of out community. We are a global village and we can choose to attack those that need our help or we can stand up and do the hard thing: be honest and give our most valuable of commodities...time. I want to say I love you all but my love is broken so instead I'll just say thanks. Thanks for letting me just be me and let it all out ugly and all. I'm not Bi-Polar Goodman. I'm Jack. And one day I'm going to get on top of this shit.

As I shared earlier...to paraphrase Warren Ellis: Don't be a bastard. That is my visceral, shaking my fist at the sky golden rule. I don't always meet the mark. None of us do. But together we can be better.

When Getting Better is a Waste of Time

Daily we blindly go to those labelled professionals in their field expecting the best results. Why would we expect any different? Professionals like doctors, lawyers, teachers, and many others have those fancy pieces of paper framed on their walls to remind us, "Hey...I did the legwork." So what happens when those professionals make life-changing mistakes? What happens when they don't meet their creed, code, or promise to provide the consumer with the best care reasonably possible? Well we take the responsible route and make sure it never happens again. Often times that means taking them to court. This is a place I am finding myself now.

So why sue? For years the word "sue" was something I threw around quite a lot but the honest truth is I'm just not that person. Never really have been. Saying it just allowed me to take some power back I felt had been stolen from me. So in a lot of ways it meant nothing. For the first time I'm certain I have a case and a good reason to sue. So why am I doing it? To prove a point and to make sure similar negligence doesn't happen again.

The best example of this was the woman who spilled the coffee in her lap from McDonald's and sued. A lot of people laughed at this case. But when you get the full details this woman was horribly disfigured by it. They weren't even willing to pay her medical bills. By suing them she not only got what she needed but sent a message to the corporation that a change in policy is needed.

This is much the same as the early career of Ralph Nader. He started out going after car companies and other big business that were letting things slide that caused physical harm and even death in some cases. His mission was to protect the American public. In these lawsuits Nader forced corporations to change policies that today provide more safety in the products we use. He made a point that the bottom line is never more important than the value of human life.

So here I sit. Having them given me a drug that lists most of the very things I went in for as side effects. Common sense says you would spend more time looking at the warning signs of a person going to the ER with thoughts of suicide and potentially homicide. We have to stop being lazy and allowing professionals to mess up with people's lives are in their hands. My heart just now is slowing down to a regular beat. And that is over 24 hours later. So needless to say I'm suing North Bend Medical Center. I've got things in line with lawyers already and it is just a matter of time. Admittedly I'm doing it partly for the fear I almost died, but more importantly I'm showing these people that it is time to step up their quality of care.  To make sure this thing doesn't happen again. Don't like doing it but I will because it is my duty...expecially when I'm trying to deal with other issues.

Thanks for reading....J

When Retconning Within a Fictional Universe is Okay

This subject has been weighing on my for some time. Warning...this will probably only apply to geeks, but well...I'm a geek. It started for me with DC Comics and the move for to The New 52. But with this weeks announcement that LucasFilm will be dropping all previous uses of the expanded universe I can't help but feel like asking the questions, "When do you as a reader/collector/investor in a fictional universe feel cheated and are in the right?"

I had a very lengthy debate with this right after Avengers Arena came out. While not a complete changing of the universe my frustration at the time (I grew to love the title) was that I had spent a lot of time and money investing in characters that I had thought were the next generation heroes and villains of the Marvel Universe through titles like New X-Men, Avengers Initiative, and Avengers Academy that when I saw some of these characters killed off it felt as if that money had been wasted. In truth this isn't really a perfect example in that it wasn't a complete re-write and came down more to an issue of personal preference. It also revealed in me that just because a loss of a character is hard doesn't mean that all that came before wasn't still fantastic and have value.

That difference I talk about is MUCH larger when you look at complete reboots of entire universes. While this has been a tradition with DC (and many would argue that the publishing division only exists to expose IP to potential viewers of the same IP in other mediums which are worth much more money like movies and tv), the latest in the line which is now going on three years is The New 52. It was DC Entertainment's attempt at cleaning up some messes that came before in continuity, give new readers a chance to get in on the bottom floor of these long running characters, and inject other properties back into the DC Universe or into the DC Universe that only existed at other imprints or had been moved to other imprints. In some ways it has been fantastic...in others (most sadly) it has been a nightmare.

When it first started New 52 I read every title willing to give it a chance as while I had read DC my true universe has always been Marvel. I was drawn to DC through titles in their Vertigo line at first but branched out over the years into reading JLA by Grant Morrison, JSA with Geoff Johns, Green Lantern with Johns as well, and Hitman by Garth Ennis. It gave me a slight foot in the door to check out more title like Identity Crisis, Infinite Crisis, and soon I was reading a lot of DC as well. But what drew me to these titles was a feeling of legacy. Even though it seemed rather silly I was okay with Superboy of Earth-Prime punching fractures in reality because lets face it, DC has always been a little silly at times. I mean Earth-Prime folks?! Really?!  But legacy gave the universe weight. It meant there would always be others to take up the mantle of aging heroes while still giving those aging heroes a say. But through Flashpoint we were offered the reboot with a promise of printing schedules, not making the same mistakes again, and having a streamlined continuity that made sense.

Well like most things there was a lot of good intentions but not a lot of follow through. My first sign that this might not be so well thought out was the creative on some of these titles and the titles themselves. Injecting some Wildstorm characters into DC's cannon might have been a fun idea, but when you take Stormwatch/Authority which at one time was one of the best titles on the market and push it with subpar creative teams and get off track of what made that title good I had little hope it would take off. And then add titles like Grifter (who already had solo titles that didn't sell well) and VooDoo (someone even avid Wildstorm fans had very little love for because her story was so confusing) that didn't exactly surprise me that they weren't sales juggernauts. This was only exacerbated by an aging EIC that decided it was a good idea to rehire some of his much derided talent and I was highly skeptical.

Well we sit here 3 years later. There have been constant continuity snafus (what the heck is going on with the 4 million Robins folks...wasn't this meant to simplify?), shuffling of creative teams, and gimmicks that don't really show confidence in an overall plan but a company that is committed to printing stories of these characters until they don't make money on them anymore. Swamp Thing and Animal Man, once Vertigo titles and previous to that main DC, had solid openings but pushed for too little from titles that have always worked better as their own little corner of existence. Scott Lobdell (sorry to pick on low-hanging fruit) wasn't a talent that could be depended on yet they give him multiple titles including one of their flagship characters and it has been an unmitigated disaster. Even the entire line shift in the Green Lantern titles has seemed rudderless. Like creative is just throwing darts at a boards and coming up with plot lines. It has gotten so bad that currently I'm reading only 3 (sometimes a couple more) titles of theirs a month. And this was meant to fix problems which is why I tried to buy the total retconning of all that came before...and why I don't buy it now.

This is my worry with Star Wars. While the franchise was never something I invested as much in as other people in my age group, I always had a love for the originals. So much so that I saw Phantom Menace in a blind "rat hitting the feeder bar" kinda way 7 times before realizing how horrible the movie was. I still gave George Lucas the benefit of the doubt when it came to the next two movies which, while better, still were just really not that good. Maybe nostalgia was stacking the deck against the franchise, but it is clear there is a very vocal group that agrees with me on this. So it was about that time that I began checking out the comics and novels. Dark Empire, Shadows of the Empire, the stories about Wraith Squadron (check those out...amazing!!!), and ongoing titles like Legacy and Empire were all outstanding additions to the stories I grew up loving so much. I gladly plunked down (as had many others I had turned on to these stories) the money needed to continue my experience within the HUGE universe that gave greater depth to something that already felt so huge. And this leads me to frustration at the recent announcement that previous expanded universe titles are no longer cannon.

Now I'm not stupid. I understand contracts and the mess with licensing and juggling things that have become such a expansive tapestry of tales. That is a daunting task to be sure. I also understand some things just don't make sense (*cough* Splinter of the Mind's Eye *cough*), but to take an entire 30+ year history of tales that go beyond the movies and essentially telling those invested in it that they don't matter now...well...I think it is an unfortunate cop out. Thousands of pages of story exploring tens of thousands of years of the Star Wars Universe now just don't matter. And I'm sure we'll be given the typical, "These titles can still be enjoyed on their own.", when does it come down to an issue of personal responsibility to your fans that have placed large portions of their lives showing that they value the stories you've created?

I'm not without answers. I really do believe there was a fix for this that would keep almost everyone happy. It is simple: allow those folks that have come before to keep all the ins and outs of the universe in check to begin to go through and select those titles that sold well, added value to the originals, and actually were good stories. It had always been my hope that these new movies would be Dark Empire related. Such a good story. And proof that they had to do very little to create the next stage in the tale that is Star Wars except turn a comic/novel into a film script. But there are a ton of gems that exist within this larger portion of the universe that are now left with little or no weight at all. It really comes down to two issues as to why keeping some of this was needed: the financial investment from Star Wars fans and the emotional/experiential investment. By keeping those tales that really pushed the narrative forward I think we could at least find some common ground.

So...what do you think? I'm sure some of you reading this will be bored and not care. This really isn't an issue like kid-soldiers in Uganda or sex trafficking. Still, it raises the question of when we've invested in someone else's IP what responsibility do the creators have to those that have spent large chunks of their time and paychecks on something that in many ways becomes such a part of a fans life. As a life long fanboy I know some fictional characters have gone well beyond just being something fun to read, but as an escape from being bullied, friends when I lacked them, and the joy of allowing my mind to wander within the possibilities. And on that note...kill Jar Jar. lol Thanks folks...J

Picture Perfect

Fragile the frames on which we hang
Purpose sullen all caught in blame
To keep building frame
Upon frame
Upon frame
And know that tomorrow
Was always the same
Another frame
Another pain
Ache deep to the core of me
Was chore for me
In quiet's game
Because for each new frame
Came failure
Sorrow
Bleak and so hollow
Upon a little boy
That just couldn't bear shame
In all weakness understood
That I could never
Would never
Be any good
Because it was all putty and wood
Things to decay
Is my own frame
Love longed and never quite
The equal to pain's respite
Worn torn and bloodied
Muddied and under
This life as a frame
Maybe in its angular composite
A perfect rule...a logic
Could life me up
And I could hold it
Keep it
Never leave it
Yet left me time again
A softness
My own
In this hard world
Call home
Just frame
Upon frame
Upon frame
Picture perfect in its persistence
That this can't simply be it
And if it is so be it
Buried under yet never leave it
My world
My teetering world of frames
Like house of cards
So humbled
Never lift another muscle
Fuck work and all the hustle
Fuck love and all the puzzle
Of this world shaped frame
In learning
And yearning
And pleading
And burning
A core that's always turning
As the dam
As if you give a damn
Is always bursting
Still I held true to my game
Be the preacher
Lover...needer
Empty arms
Are world stealers
But you didn't live to the standard
The placard
The cape
Your hero
Father
Lover
Strength
But in the end
Just another cracked frame
A lost and lonely frame
With nothing inside
And no real name

Beauty in the Broken

As I begin to move towards starting this next juncture in my life I feel a pressing need to share. To share a lot about my struggle because I'm beginning to realize it is your struggle too.

I was born into your pretty average American family. We weren't perfect but we did what we could with the tools we were given. Growing up a small town boy in a lot of ways I think was a benefit even if I have spent most my life trying to kill that very part of me. But the things about growing up in a small town and the values it instilled in me...honor, courage, honesty, love, togetherness...even if they weren't always there were still things I knew had value and have been core to my life. I look upon being a little boy as being the last truly honest portions of my life where I can say I've been happy.

But as time went on we started adding boxes. Our social interactions become more complex, our relationships appeared to require more of us, and more and more these boxes added up. For me those boxes were my intellect, my drive to excel at understanding, the pursuit of family, a wife, children, the perfect car, house, body...and not disappointing people. At 35 I had what have amounted to my second of major breaks in my life. This is after several nervous breakdowns, therapy, and all the stuff that entails. A complete and utter upheaval of all that I understood and valued happened, and all that I had planned which if most of you knew the truth wasn't really much came crashing down. In this I have learned something though. I have learned that none of us were meant to carry all this. It was never the purpose of life to carry the weight of pain...the wait of shame...the weight of loss and death and destruction. We are only meant to do the best we can with the tools we are given.

In this time I have held the greatest weight of them all...feeling that I am absolutely unworthy. Unworthy of having anyone love me as much as I love them. Unworthy of success in the personal and work life...a life which I continued to sabotage every time I felt I was just getting somewhere. Unworthy of trust, caring. empathy, and help. After all I HAD to be the helper. I had to carry the weight be it one of the love of my life's suicide or the rape of a dear close friend. This culminated in what you all saw as a political/social  explosion of hate and anger at a world I really had felt completely gave up and I was the only one that could fix. Where was this love and courage...where was the empathy I would scream. And what had I done that was so wrong that I had to carry the weight of it all on top of cancer, addiction, a blood disorder, and a million other things.

Well I'm trying to just say at this point that I AM WORTHY. Not because of anything I ever did or will do. Not because I got the best grades or slept with only the most beautiful women or that...as dumb as it sounds but you addicts know what I'm talking about...could handle my drugs better than anyone. I am worthy simply because I am. And I am a part of one of the most wonderful and beautiful tapestries ever created: the human race. Sure...some of us hit the mark better than others. I know I've always been hit or miss. But when you look at the overall confluence of events that make this...life...what it is we can't help but just sit back and marvel that it doesn't just all unravel before us. The biggest lie we get ourselves to ever believe is that we are alone and that no one will understand. No matter where you've been or what you've faced we all struggle. For some it is weight, others our job isn't prestigious enough, and for some it is simply that we struggle in our very being. Of that I can ascribe. But the truth is that as soon as we can all just be honest and admit we don't have all the answers, our lives are never going to be perfect, and from that in itself comes a great amount of perfection the happier we will all be. I love you all so much. I really do. All I ask is can we all try to do a little better and admit we all are messy. Thank you...

And me...I just want to be that little boy again...

j

To know and in knowing...know...

Oh what I would gain
If I could choose to know
When sun will rise
When gardens will grow
When betting on happiness
Could seem a safe bet
When knowing the roadblocks
That I've not gotten yet