Picture Perfect

Fragile the frames on which we hang
Purpose sullen all caught in blame
To keep building frame
Upon frame
Upon frame
And know that tomorrow
Was always the same
Another frame
Another pain
Ache deep to the core of me
Was chore for me
In quiet's game
Because for each new frame
Came failure
Sorrow
Bleak and so hollow
Upon a little boy
That just couldn't bear shame
In all weakness understood
That I could never
Would never
Be any good
Because it was all putty and wood
Things to decay
Is my own frame
Love longed and never quite
The equal to pain's respite
Worn torn and bloodied
Muddied and under
This life as a frame
Maybe in its angular composite
A perfect rule...a logic
Could life me up
And I could hold it
Keep it
Never leave it
Yet left me time again
A softness
My own
In this hard world
Call home
Just frame
Upon frame
Upon frame
Picture perfect in its persistence
That this can't simply be it
And if it is so be it
Buried under yet never leave it
My world
My teetering world of frames
Like house of cards
So humbled
Never lift another muscle
Fuck work and all the hustle
Fuck love and all the puzzle
Of this world shaped frame
In learning
And yearning
And pleading
And burning
A core that's always turning
As the dam
As if you give a damn
Is always bursting
Still I held true to my game
Be the preacher
Lover...needer
Empty arms
Are world stealers
But you didn't live to the standard
The placard
The cape
Your hero
Father
Lover
Strength
But in the end
Just another cracked frame
A lost and lonely frame
With nothing inside
And no real name

Beauty in the Broken

As I begin to move towards starting this next juncture in my life I feel a pressing need to share. To share a lot about my struggle because I'm beginning to realize it is your struggle too.

I was born into your pretty average American family. We weren't perfect but we did what we could with the tools we were given. Growing up a small town boy in a lot of ways I think was a benefit even if I have spent most my life trying to kill that very part of me. But the things about growing up in a small town and the values it instilled in me...honor, courage, honesty, love, togetherness...even if they weren't always there were still things I knew had value and have been core to my life. I look upon being a little boy as being the last truly honest portions of my life where I can say I've been happy.

But as time went on we started adding boxes. Our social interactions become more complex, our relationships appeared to require more of us, and more and more these boxes added up. For me those boxes were my intellect, my drive to excel at understanding, the pursuit of family, a wife, children, the perfect car, house, body...and not disappointing people. At 35 I had what have amounted to my second of major breaks in my life. This is after several nervous breakdowns, therapy, and all the stuff that entails. A complete and utter upheaval of all that I understood and valued happened, and all that I had planned which if most of you knew the truth wasn't really much came crashing down. In this I have learned something though. I have learned that none of us were meant to carry all this. It was never the purpose of life to carry the weight of pain...the wait of shame...the weight of loss and death and destruction. We are only meant to do the best we can with the tools we are given.

In this time I have held the greatest weight of them all...feeling that I am absolutely unworthy. Unworthy of having anyone love me as much as I love them. Unworthy of success in the personal and work life...a life which I continued to sabotage every time I felt I was just getting somewhere. Unworthy of trust, caring. empathy, and help. After all I HAD to be the helper. I had to carry the weight be it one of the love of my life's suicide or the rape of a dear close friend. This culminated in what you all saw as a political/social  explosion of hate and anger at a world I really had felt completely gave up and I was the only one that could fix. Where was this love and courage...where was the empathy I would scream. And what had I done that was so wrong that I had to carry the weight of it all on top of cancer, addiction, a blood disorder, and a million other things.

Well I'm trying to just say at this point that I AM WORTHY. Not because of anything I ever did or will do. Not because I got the best grades or slept with only the most beautiful women or that...as dumb as it sounds but you addicts know what I'm talking about...could handle my drugs better than anyone. I am worthy simply because I am. And I am a part of one of the most wonderful and beautiful tapestries ever created: the human race. Sure...some of us hit the mark better than others. I know I've always been hit or miss. But when you look at the overall confluence of events that make this...life...what it is we can't help but just sit back and marvel that it doesn't just all unravel before us. The biggest lie we get ourselves to ever believe is that we are alone and that no one will understand. No matter where you've been or what you've faced we all struggle. For some it is weight, others our job isn't prestigious enough, and for some it is simply that we struggle in our very being. Of that I can ascribe. But the truth is that as soon as we can all just be honest and admit we don't have all the answers, our lives are never going to be perfect, and from that in itself comes a great amount of perfection the happier we will all be. I love you all so much. I really do. All I ask is can we all try to do a little better and admit we all are messy. Thank you...

And me...I just want to be that little boy again...

j

To know and in knowing...know...

Oh what I would gain
If I could choose to know
When sun will rise
When gardens will grow
When betting on happiness
Could seem a safe bet
When knowing the roadblocks
That I've not gotten yet

I'm destroyed...

I'm coming apart at the seems. I know deep down in my person that everything I'm doing now is so important to my survival and really improving my life, but in the end I'm still having to deal and face myself in the mirror ever day. I still have to deal with the hurt that has been accrued. I have had to deal with the fact that every woman I have ever loved except one has emasculated me and left me with nothing and in the end choose rapists, drug addicts, perverts, abusers, and the like over me who only wants to love unconditionally. And then I'm told MY love is broken. I'm told I'm not ready. Yet these horrible people are? I had one...ONE...that did love me and she killed herself.

So in the end I'm left with questions. What gigantic cosmic fuck up did I do to deserve this? Is there really any plan to any of this or am I just a cosmological toy to be push, pulled, prodded for the amusement of some omniscient consciousness? I guess I just sit here with my questions...and have to accept that there is no answers to a lot of it. I just want to give up...but I can't...I won't. But this.  This is the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to do. Peace...

Perchance

If only in that lower lip
To find heaven
To find peace and release
And a way to love's solace

If only in clavicle
Glint
The sparkle of an eye
To make that all
More real

In only nape
In only to nuzzle
To grow close
Sweet warm meadow
Honey's dew

In only in heart
In soul
In never ending
Joy and whoa
Of you
Only you

Not Just Another

Bring me this light
Like beaten sheets
White streets of gold
That I may live
In it glimmer

Take mine from me
Giving wakefulness
In the memory
Of the splendor
It brings

For far is that look
And pain
It may bring
But to want
Not judge
To savor
Not budge

To know
of wrong
To feel
Only right
And so it just might

So beat me to this light
You bringer of things
And tempered
Steel and iron

For it is in your face
I find
That glimmer
And succession
To once more hold
Unbound things
And to know the light
The passions it brings

Despite it all I'm still holding on that there is some greater purpose to all of this. Beyond my lack of hope and my fear and brokenness I'm finding reasons to explore some things in hopes to finding some answers and getting back to moving forward. If I stay like this I will die...it isn't a question at this point. There has to be some reason that I can find in life that gets me out of bed every day beyond making money or working out or ingesting media and facts. Anyway...g'night...

If Pretense You Bring

You may say you don't hang being
You just keep making the rope longer
You may think you don't control being
You only offer a better distraction

Well awakened now
To a blind dumb world
A world that bites and jabs
And blames the wounded
For breaking the rules

Maybe the wounded wounds
Should be change makers
They know the pain most apparent
The lowest is their royal court

And those at top seem
Bound and determined
To allow myth to create
A false sense of reality

Reality is much more raw
It isn't easy
You can't just talk to the clouds
And if those at arms length are contingent
Then a lie we all will live

Just dance along
To the sturm und drang
Becomes the only real refuge
The only true home

The truth is this

I'm asking for concrete answers to life's issues...not rose colored glasses, etherial mantras, and self-help guru idioms. If we can't maintain happiness in the human existence based on legitimate exterior and interior stimulus then we as an entire species are a waste. I'm so tired of this "Look in the mirror and say nice things" rhetoric or the "give it to God and he'll take it". These things don't actually fix anything. They pass the buck. These things simply set us up for later failure should tragedy or hardship come about again. Life is very real. It is in the air we breathe and the water we drink or the ground we tread upon. This energy we call a "soul" is just a fancy way of trying to give meaning to what is electrical impulses controlled by a confluence of chemical reactions in the flesh hard drive we call a brain. There is no more to any of it than that. I'm sorry. I've taken your challenges. I've heard your words. It all just pisses me off more. If this pushes even more people away then I can't help at this point but state that people are running for fear of the truth. That life doesn't have some overall great meaning. That we live, experience between those moments what everyone experiences which makes none of us special, and in the end we die. We just hope that somewhere in the middle of that we did something that leaves legacy because it is in legacy that we find our only means to immortality. This is where I get my drive for justice and what is right...if I leave anything with my life (if I don't off myself first) I want it to be that I changed things for the average person so once again EVERYONE gets a voice. Not just the rich or those in charge or those with the connections. Everyone. And as for my love being broken...love is love...if you love something it can't be broken. Only other people's perceptions of love are what's broken and the convenience of saying these things to absolve one from any feeling of responsibility to the other.

Just need to get this out...

...or it will drive me nuts. Okay...I understand woman perspective on an issue I'm having. Now my perspective.

Always hated "can we just be friends"..."I won't sleep with you because..." on top of that is just lemon in the wound of just friends. If I'm honest sure...it could wind up messy. But for me I would rather have messy and maybe more emotional baggage and get laid, then not get anything for it but this constant "your love is broken and once you fix that someone will love you". I've heard it my whole life. I've done everything imaginable trying to right it. Guess what?! When Heather loved me I changed. It was night and day. I wasn't self-concious, didn't hate my life, and things were okay. Because I was doing things as a team at that point. This...I'm told I'm broken and yet again I get to do it all alone. I'm kinda fucking tired of that line. Especially when I know that in the overall perspective of things most of these women will end up sleeping with men worse than me. Any way you cut that it makes me look lowly and cheap.

Sorry...had to get it out. Better out than in right?

Going to try to sleep now...OUT

The need for commitment

I'm committed outwardly to moving on things, but the more I weigh what is being said about my life the more I'm realizing I need to stop listening to so many other people and just listen to myself. The truth is I've always known what I need, but most people will tell me it is wrong or that I need to jump through these million hoops to get it. That makes no sense. I see people that have their shit together not even half as much as I do getting married, having kids, living ideal lives, and yet I'm the one that still has to jump through hoops.

So instead I'm committing to what I am and what I've always been about: NO COMPROMISE.

Just a quick note but this is what is on my mind. Won't be sleeping...have no one to talk to...so I have to do something. Guess this is it. That means not feeling guilty because there are women that show interest (and men) but I'm just not feeling it, even if it means I remain single. The honest truth is if it is just cheap fucking for the rest of my life I would rather have that than settle. I believe what and do and the way I do and I've put a lot of work into getting here. I need to stick to that because my work to get opinions means I've already done more than most people. And I'm done saying lets meet in the middle on things. If things are wrong they are just wrong and they need to change. So out...won't be sleeping at all. I'm on fire. Just wish I had a outlet to share it in. Coos County is a pit.

OUT

It's hard...

It's hard not to wake up these mornings in tears. The very thing I loved more than my own life...I can never call her again, never tell her I wish her the best, never say I'm sorry ever again. Never look in her eyes and melt. Never to listen to those little silly things she would say when I know she was just trying to show me how much she loved me. Never is an awfully fucking long time.

It seems like just when I've moved on and let go I can't get her out of my head. She's there with that smile still more beautiful than anything in all of creation. She's there with that hunched giggle she would always get when I was being silly or just going off into one of my rants...which would often calm me down and make me laugh as well. She's always there in a dream never to be anything more. As if I don't hurt enough...the only thing memory does is hurt. It does me no good. I've moved on and I just want to forget.

This is a rough morning. I loved Heather a lot. I'm sure a lot of you find me to be unbearable, crass, crude, and even a bore at times. She never made me feel anything but special. I've never had anyone like that in my life and don't know if I ever will again. I miss you Heather. Why did you have to go away forever? RIP

J

..

I have to honest. I'm struggling and I don't know what to do. My pain threshold is at an end. I want to scream at the world right now. But what good does it do? Another cry in the dark and no rest in my current state. It just keeps adding while I keep hearing from people it will get better or that I need to seek answers in faith. My faith is ultimately limited. I don't like being an unpleasant person. I like being a person that gets along generally with most of the public, and someone that contributes to the world he lives in. But where I'm at now...doing odd jobs that barely keep me up on bills with no money for rent, food, etc...in pain most of every day which has now been expounded upon with an absessed tooth keeps me on edge and barely able to handle any kind of stress or change...needing a psychological break so I can heal from things that have plagued me most my adult life...it just doesn't look like there is any hope. If I'm completely honest lately I've just wished the cancer would have taken me at 23. Since 23 I've been experiencing pain on a whole new level. And not just the physical. With brief moments of respite I played a lot of parts making people think I was happy and okay, but I don't know if as an adult I can ever say I've been okay. It is a lot of work maintaining. For years I maintained myself while taking care of so many other people making sure they were fed and clothed and housed and could find work. Meanwhile I've struggled in all these areas myself when ultimately what I really want is just contentedness. There are a lot of things I desire. I desire as always a meaningful romantic relationship but that has never happened. I desire the ability to see a lot of my dreams come true. So many of these dreams were contingent on time now though and frankly I'm getting too old in life to see some of them happen at the level I had wanted it to. This is just me being honest...I'm not doing well. I haven't been well for almost half my life. I just want to sleep.

I'll be honest. I keep hearing about the pendulum swinging more to the middle in politics and I don't buy it. Not for a second. First off, we still have wacko politicians who never should have gotten their office in the first place based on their limited knowledge of science, commerce, and complete lack of empathy. Secondly, politicians are only part of the problem. In this 24 hour news cycle we have created we are getting less and less news (I love Michelle Obama but do I care about what she wears...let fashion magazines and sites report that) and more and more filler. To top it off, these networks make money off a divided and warring nation. If they can't divide you on a topic then you aren't arguing with your neighbor which is driving you to watch more "news" which increases ad revenue which gets advertisers demanding more sensationalism for their dollar. And the cycle goes on. Don't buy it. Not from CNN, HLN, FoxNews, etc. It is all thought conditioning to keep a rickety machine of falsehoods we call an economy going. This may only be part but it is a part we all play into.

The daily

This week was both bad and good. Bad in the fact that I had a blow up and wasn't quite as successful in my health plan for a myriad of reasons. Good because I finally got some reassurance in what is ultimately the ongoing battle of my life. We'll start with the bad and lead to the good with a nice little breakout to ponder some insights.

Last June I was pushed in a direction to move back home. This has been a subject of news articles and studies over the last 15 years as people my age seem to be more and more likely to be doing this at some point. We can point fingers and blame in all sorts of factors but that's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm here to talk about the dichotomoy of social living. Being in Coos County means my social life is dead. I will take the brunt of most the blame in this as I do have an overall attitude about most the people who live in this area, their interests, their commitment to quality and passion, and what I feel most of them share in a vastly draconian mindset of how the world works. I also have made decisions that while I have family in the area I will choose to alienate them because of some greater issues I'm having with one family member whom they all seem to be siding with. That all said, it has become difficult for me because especially in these winter months I'm prone to get cabin fever if I allow myself to separate too much from conversation (something social media would remedy if I hadn't alienated most my "friends" because of my opinions). It has left me with a growing need to find things like closeness, intimacy, shared opinions and thoughts, and a load of other things we all desire as part of the human experience. Honestly, it all has made me feel less human.

Then there is the fact that while my immediate family (my Mother, her husband, and my half sister Lily) have opened up their lives to me becoming a part of their family structure, it has always been difficult for me to get along with certain aspects of that family unit. This I will leave as that because it is not my job to drag anyone's name through the mud in such a public spectacle. I'll simply say that this week the demands of the unit and my expectations and needs came to an impasse that almost ended in fists. This has always and will always be my last resort. I can count the number of times I have actually hit someone in my adult like on one hand, and though even bringing it up embarrasses me some, I do pride myself on trying to be the (sometimes loud) peace keeper. So that led me to further compound my issues because I have locked myself away in my little place, fighting the hurts and pains cold weather brings on yearly, and stuck too damned much in my mind which has a tendency to make things even worse. All has culminated in me going down a road I travel all too often where I begin to question my sanity. It is easy to do when the only true voice you value is your own, and it seems that even that voice has lost a little of its control and whimsy. My own voice: the cruelest of all words spoken.

There has been some light though. In the months being here I have tried to take lessons from my struggles. I have tried to use those to build on who I am, refocus to give me an outlet in what I know will be best for me moving on, and try to find ways that make my life fulfilling again. I'm still in the planning stages as I often find myself because unlike some of the bigger cities I've lived in or even Bend, there is not a lot of means of transportation to or from the places I need to get to get the ball rolling. But I've made a bit of a commitment to taking up more people on their offers to do odd jobs (I've been doing quite a few monthly since moving here) and maybe just to sit down and talk. I had one of those good talks this week after the beginning of my week spun out into disaster. It was one of those moments that is like a pat on the back. A moment where I laid out my heart and soul to another human being, was very honest about my struggles and opinions in life, and got back some reassurance that I'm doing okay. It was good to lay out some plans and some of my passions and hear that these are things that I should be moving forward with. It was great to say, "I think I'm losing my mind," and hear that was simply not the case. I can take some reassurance in I am seeing needs in the community that are real, my heart is focused in the right direction, and that some of the solutions I'm thinking will meet a need aren't just welcomed but are things that will be good outlets for me moving on and getting my feet back under me again.

I have a few more of these meetings coming up...one in a couple weeks which I'm rather excited about. In that time I'm getting recommitted to doing what I can to prepare myself before hand. Reading everything I can get my hands on, writing down ideas and structuring a plan, and being honest with myself that even if I do have purpose here, Coos County was only a visit. This is not where I belong. It is however where I am and I have to try and make the best of it. I have slipped a bit in my move towards healthy living but I'm noticing it and doing my best to make it work. The sheer amount of physical pain I've been in isn't helping but I've even got a starting point for that. We'll see what we can do about that I hope soon, but it is good to have a starting point and to know that I'm not "crazy".

Welcome to the New Year...Again

I'm a fan of avoiding cliche like the plague, but occasionally I get a wild hair up my ass and decide to follow the trend and get my voice out there. This one...well...a simple one. My resolutions for 2013:

1. To stop being so damned political. I need to take stock in the fact that something I say often is reason enough to let things go: most people aren't as intelligent and informed as I am. That isn't means for me to go on the warpath. It should be instead a place I take solace and pride because I've put enough value in developing my mind and opinions through reading, researching, and the occasional balanced debate. Having this information is good because it keeps me up to date and on topic. It can also be beneficial if I find myself in the position of ever having to deal with an honest political situation.
2. Use social media less. In this I'm already failing. I know what I need to do because I'm a person that can only keep to things given rigid structure. As soon as someone gives me slack my whole plan goes off the rails. I honestly check my Facebook, Twitter, and Google Reader way too many times during the day. What had worked prior was only at night before my shows came on. This can be problematic occasionally because sometimes my daily duties get in the way, but guess what...I don't have to check it every day despite what my brain tells me. The least amount of time spent on social networking (which I know I do more because where I'm at currently I have no social group at all) the better I always feel. Every time I leave for a job I come back refreshed because the urgency of social media hasn't encapsulated my whole day.
3. Write. Like right now. Even if it is just my blog I need to commit to writing at least something of substance once a week, instead of spreading myself thin with meaningless ranting comments and Twitter posts. I can write. I'm quite good at it when I apply myself. I put nothing out into the world that I don't make a conscious decision to do so, so I need to stop fooling myself and thinking that my tech identity is adding anything to the conversation. I've been published and I need to get brave enough again to get rejected a few more times so that one day I might see my name in "print" again.
4. Don't beat myself up for not meeting my goals. I do this all too much. The world has done enough of that to me and everyone else. If I have several goals out there and only meet a few, I should just applaud the fact that I committed to some things and got them done, let go of the ones that have become too unattainable, and refocus on those that I still think have some merit like...
5. I want to learn how to speak Spanish. Mostly because of how it will look on a resume. At this point of got all the education credentials I need I think. There are some minor skills that would be good for me to add to the list of ones I've spent years honing, and learning a new language puts me in a class well above the rest of most listed applicants. And I'm thinking why stop there but lets start with Spanish.
6. Commit to using the CS5 books I've already got to strengthen my skills in graphic design work. I loved doing graphic design work. I would literally sit for hours at work just tinkering with settings and placement. Now that news versions of the software have come out I've given up on something I think I could be quite good at in an industry where there is a glut of untalented individuals passing themselves off as professionals. 
7. Start making plans for the next year. I've committed to taking off at least until my birthday this following year anything that would remotely resemble adult life and with good reason. These last 4 years have been hell. I've lost more people than I care to mention, killed some relationships that were dear to me due to my inability of being anything but a wounded animal, and burned quite a few bridges in all aspects in life I'm sure. All that said, I really do want to get back into the maw of it all. I'm going to take the time I have to heal. This is a safe place for me that I've been told is always here, so I know I have a base to run back to. It now just comes down to killing the irrational fear of getting hurt any more. Hurt comes with life. Sure I had a lot of it. But I have intelligence, skill, I've survived cancer 3 times, hep c, drug addiction, failed relationships, lost over 200 lbs, and lived through poisonous work environments (not Matt...he's awesome). This next year is all about stepping back out again and getting my footing.
8. Commit to making the transition from constantly ingesting empty media. This means trying to stop watching so much tv, Hollywood movies, and reading mostly superhero comics. I've made the move to the last part already in some ways though I still need to thin the flock of spandex heroes I'm reading. It is all adolescent fantasy driven by media moguls. It can't all be healthy. And while it is great to smoke a jay and watch "dick-n-fart" comedies or action flicks, I need to balance those out with good film that really gets me excited again about the types of things that can be done behind a camera. As for tv...it is the recepticle for most of the world's trash. All this reality tv, sporting events, and hours upon hours of true to life drama series can eat up ones life and all of a person's imagination. And the news is all lies. I know it. Everyone should know it. They paint the picture the advertisers and network execs want you to believe. Tv is just an endless producer of shit.

Well I think that will do for now. See...I am like everyone else. Maybe a little more crazy but well...we are all a little crazy. I just wear mine on my sleeve. Peace to ya all in the new year. If I've offended you in the past year I'll do my best not to do that too much this year. It is afterall part of the nature of who I am. The world will always need those individuals that can't help but occasionally rock the boat. Even if at times it appears I'm turning the fucker over, and drowning everyone. lol Much love to you all. OUT.