Duly Noted...

Tonight as I'm hanging with my friend Celia (who is such a sweet heart for taking me to get my testing done at the hospital in the morning) I get bombarded with the negative thoughts of someone I love but is slowly pushing me away again. And as I spout forth diatribes and sound bytes it dawns on me...this has kinda been me for the last 6 months. Well I'm here to tell ya now I'm working on changing that.

This month...despite life throwing me yet again more than a few curve balls...I've been doing pretty damn good. Meeting some new people is always a joy for me. And the people I've met are best for me in the greatest of ways. They get that while I've come to a place where I'm loving myself more than ever it is good to have their positive energy around to give me a nudge to stay the course.

I haven't been the easiest person to be around for some of your I'm sure. I've been loud, abrasive, closed to your advice, distant, and a lot of other things that have made me probably not the best of friends. Now could be a time to make a laundry list of hurts that led me here but the fact is we all have hurts. Some big. Some small. It all sucks. But the true test of character is how we overcome and get on with our lives. Finally after a great amount of time I'm trying to be that person that just comes to a place of acceptance and moves on.

Truth is I know how foolish I look sometimes. Man that makes me feel guilty. For most my life I've kept bottled up what I truly feel about things and only let my passions loose on things that don't really matter. Music, comics, movies, and things like that. Pop culture. Media. All things that don't grow me or make me a better man. Instead just distractions from what I should be doing. Writing. Finding extra work so I can get the equipment I need to fulfill my dreams. Repaying my boss Matt for being an awesome friend and great employer that has had my back no matter how much I let him down. And all you knew people who are so beautiful and fun and share time, space, and energy with me. Life could be a hell of a lot worse that's for sure.

So I've gotten little crumbs along this trail. Found out a lot about me...some things I'll keep to myself as they are a) personal, and b) I'm sure not all of you want to hear it. Suffice it to say I will not sit around while I'm trying to enjoy my time and space and allow the pleasure devourers of the world to steal my flame. It burns bright and I've learned now that when you begin to douse it with your anger, hatred, issues, and all that I have to go. Believe it or not part of it is because of loving you. But a bigger part is because of loving me which is MUCH more important in the long run. Love for myself has helped me lose almost 200 lbs. It has got me to make that jump...and this is a huge reveal...from being a 33 year old virgin to someone that is comfortable with his body and gaining a healthy view on sexuality and what roll it plays in life. It has led me to embrace being an artist again at work and at home because my work...it reflects on me.

A couple points and then I need to get to bed...got someone waiting to cuddle. :-) First...I will not be controlled. Not by religion, government, friends, family, or anything else for that matter. I will defiantly stand against those that would take from me, tell me what I can and can't do, or try to demean or belittle me in some means of making themselves feel superior. I'm not hear for your dick measuring contest. I'm not one of the "Bros" that thinks a great night out is getting drunk and fighting about shit. Or name calling. If you need to feel better about yourself then get healthy or accept one of the many "whores" of life and get the fuck away from me. But be real in your emotion, tell me like it is, and I can promise we will grow together along this journey.

Second and last. I would like to throw some names out of people that assured I didn't wither up and die this year. Todd and Amber Hanson...you two are way too fucking rad for works. Dan Tabayoyon...can say you are one of few people I've ever talked to (of course mostly on Facebook) that can tell me almost anything and I have enough respect to swallow my pride and listen. Katherine, Kate, McKenzie, Kaili, and that crew...you may be young but keep it strong. You girls all have great hearts and I hope big things in the world for you all. Scott...while right now it seems like I'm lining up against you...know I love you and everything I've ever said or done has been because I have to set boundaries but at the same time because I love the fuck out of ya and want you to not be like me when you're 30. Jasper...well you know. LOL Drew, Steve, Kyle and the crew...all such solid men. Glad I have you in my life. Erik...well Erik. Love you more than you'll probably ever know or understand. Travis...glad I pulled out my tampon finally man. And to all you girls...so many beautiful babies...thanks for being good to my heart these last 6 months and giving me the love and encouragement I've needed. You mean the world to me. Vi...so much to say but always would rather say it to your face. And the best man I fucking know in the world...my brother Eric. Stay strong. We can hold each other up through whatever from wherever. You make me want to be a better man daily. Love you all and now...bed...cuddles...and a LOOOOOOONG day tomorrow. One Love!!!

J...

It's Those Hands That Dwell

First it was reaching
The way those words
The thoughts you always share
Tickled the mind
And took me there

But came a strange form
Acceptance
All brilliance and light
With a glow in the now
And its space in new territories

So we can shake hands
Sip our drinks
But we know the thoughts
And what they bring
Roughshod and facing
What patterns we care

In the end we pretend its taste
Its long angered lonely things
That give time and space meaning
Just all part and parcel
For tonight's ballroom dance

Shaken down around
But looking no the less
At the dance hands to
Down condensations tracks
To lips and then back

To the dance we do
And the looks we gave
And the bonds we've folded
And made
With each carefully chosen phrase

Balance Me Open

Managed your air again
To be broken and sullen
Only then to rise above defeat
And taste victory
Know salvation and a win

To raise hand and head
And hold up high
Let stones they throw
And bonds they break
Fall cold to this unyielding ground

Set face to stare
At open space and air
To know it is all mine
And fare for said empty graces
Like a plunge from such heights

It is in the air
I wake tonight
Knowing full well that all
Is not all
That end
Is not end
And the finite
Is just a label
For those caught in the sin of fear