Number 2

Not as in taking (the title is Number 2...do the math). Just cranking these out lately. I'm hoping those few that actually read my posts enjoy them.

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So I'm sitting here feeling a little guilty.

Heather is still an issue. I miss her. She was pretty damn amazing and I hope I find another woman in my life with half the qualities she had. The other day I had someone ask me to tell them some memories of her and the funniest thing came up. I simply said, "I love the way she snored."

Something so simple seems to stay with me now. Heather was just a little thing, but the sound that came out of her was that of a trucker. A very cute trucker. I remember waking some mornings to watch the sun hit her bare back while I stood in the window. I would just sit there and watch her chest rise and fall, and to me nothing could have been more perfect. The look of the light as it glistened off her tan skin was a vision I will hold forever...that something so little could encompass my mind like it does...*sigh*

It is funny what we remember about people and what we love. One person's annoyance is another's perfection. Things like snoring and snorting when one laughs can be endearing to the right ear especially when love is involved. I've never wanted to hear the sound again as much as I do now. Having to sit here and really think puts me in that place where I have to face the beauty that was there, embrace the things that were not perfect as stuff I can't change even when she was here, and that moving on is the one thing she would want for me. The thing I can be certain of is this: she would want me to know love like a mid-morning snore.

I'm curious. If you read this and feel up to it I would love to hear what is your "snoring" moment with someone you loved or love? What is that thing that only you get about them? Try to keep it clean and mature please. I'm sure we all have those moments and this would be a great chance to share. Have a great weekend all.

J...

Lost: Thoughts

So I've been asked by several people at this point what I thought of the Lost finale. I've taken my time because I want this to be good but honestly...I have not the passion for this subject I would have thought. So you get...a simple review:

I still remember the first time sitting down and watching a marathon of the first season which sadly was not my introduction. My first episode of Lost was actually season one's finale, which started a tradition of friends and media spoiling the show for me. Fight as I might to avoid it I couldn't get away from the news of what happened show to show, but it really didn't matter. The thing that has always drawn me to the show was the characters. In the end it really was the characters that were showcased with a bunch of great steps along the way. And I couldn't ask for a better ending.

Rabbit trail for a second: my personal favorite is those people (I can think of a few off the top of my head) that use my liking a television show and how it ended as a personal attack against me and really...beside pissing me off and revealing your stupidity that you can sustain intelligent conversation without resorting to vocal barbs...it is what is. You don't have to agree with me. Just don't think that your soap box is any better than mine.

Whew...back. :)

From the beginning this show unveiled character information in small nuggets that kept us coming back because we were invested in the characters themselves. The polar bears, smoke monster, Black Rock, and other details were just peripheral used to drive the story along. You couldn't exactly keep a show going to 6 years in the current climate of television with just interesting characters. It never works. Just ask Joss Whedon. But in this the creators found the glue that held this thing together. Viewers can't deny that you picked your favorites, followed them through the ups and downs, and when all was said and done you were cheering for Sun, Jin, Hugo, Jack, or one of the many others (those are my favorites btw).

The ending was not perfect. Most people who have had actual conversations with me about their feelings on the ending of the show have a valid argument. The ending could be seen as a cop out. The truth though, is after going over the details of the show I've stored away in my brain I can't see a single base covered that didn't make sense. This isn't like the show ended and unvalidated all the actions of the characters throughout. Each step was taken with determination and purpose, and I for one can say that covering that many bases is something to be applauded. The way the show ends with the players each finding bliss in their own personal Heaven, Shangri La, etc is much in tone with what the show has always done. This shows second purpose was always raising questions. And well done because even in the end we are left scratching our heads which to me is a joy.

The weaknesses are there though. The polar bear I've mentioned before almost becomes an afterthought when you compare it to the big deal it was in the first season and its reveal later in the desert. Jacob and his brother were honestly a bit of a let down. The time travel portion of the story, while amazing (loved the idea of energy transference into different vessels as opposed to actual matter movement which is impossible as we know it) becomes little more than a fun stop along the trip. Even Sun and Jin (my two favorite characters in the whole show) become this over extended emotional draw when I think they really were so much more. And Aaron...Jin and Sun's daughter...what about those kids?

So not perfect. Never will be. Stop for a second and think about how impossible it is to please all the fans with the ending to something that has endeared itself to such a following. Not going to be easy to close that down and make everyone happy. This still ranks up there for me. I think about the 3rd season the show runners saw that the show was broken and did the best they could with creating interesting stories that I would easily rank up there with classic The Prisoner or Twilight Zone. Does it make my top rank? Never...I don't think anyone can beat the joy I had with the last episode of Battlestar Galactica or even Buffy which both made me tear up. But in the scheme of tv serial storytelling Lost accomplishes quite a bit without giving us a Dallas ending. Just imagine how you would feel if it was all a dream...

Bravo gents...now on to Fringe and Breaking Bad...my last two good shows I'm enjoying right now. And no I won't watch Glee. I'm taking a stand. :)

J...

Expertise is in the Eye of the Beholder

Before leaving for the evening last night I started a conversation that almost always ends with me angry and frustrated, and saying things I regret. My current state doesn't help because as most of you know I've had a rough week losing someone that was about a close to me as can be. But I digress, the issue is what qualifies as good in modern media.

I live with a couple guys who most of their friends are avid gamers. And while they praise all things gaming it is mostly completely lost on me. Occasionally a game will come along that will rock my world but for the most part it is all kinda behind me now. I hate to say it is that I've matured because it implies I'm at a level higher than my friends and that is not my purpose. But with last nights conversation it is clear that I hold my opinion much higher than any other person in the world. This is especially true when it comes to three things: comics, movies, and music.

I'll start with the last one first: music. I've played music, studied music theory, played in bands of all types, recorded musicians, and wrote. All these things I think give me a grasp on what it takes to make really good music (I say this as I'm listening to Def Leppard...I know). Currently my tastes tend to favor hip hop (REAL hip hop), indie rock like Death Cab for Cutie and Animal Collective, and on the rarest of occasions some hard rock/metal. In between that I listen to a lot. Miles Davis, The Marz Volta, Imogen Heap, Brad Paisley, Pink Floyd, and a ton of other stuff rattle around in my playlist as I like to think I'm a pretty well rounded person in my musical experience. It is in this that I find the problem. When people who have never experienced playing an instrument let alone set through years of classes and discussions on the subject, and poured over tomes of information like a spastic addict I can't help but hold myself at the level of, "I absolutely know more about what makes good music than you do."

This is especially true when their reasoning for why only one limited genre makes the grade: it is good because it sounds good. So much talent is lost in that pool. Music that simply is esthetically pleasing is often flat and devoid of the exact thing they chose to argue with me on; art. The thought that only music that is esthetically pleasing to the ear can be art leaves out so many bands that have more talent in one pinky than the greater collection of Top 20 radio and most current pop collectives. I will never and can never admit that anyone who has ever appeared on a WWE soundtrack, did the soundtrack to a Rob Cohen film, or is on the playlist of a Vin Diesel or other neanderthal can ever be more than just ear candy for the masses. There are so many criteria and I know the above is generalizing, but to outright just say something is crap because you can't understand it for its complex beauty is ignorant in my book. I don't find complex beauty in Metallica or Lady Gaga. Instead I find music that sounds the same or similar from song to song and is made strictly to sell mass quantities. That music to me has little more value than boxed macaroni and cheese.

Then there are movies. I will hands down admit that I like some odd movies. But you can't look at my top 1o list of greatest all time films or have a serious indepth conversation about the minutia of filmmaking and not know that I know my way around what makes outstanding filmmaking. When I have people that include (sorry for picking on the Rob Cohen) Fast and the Furious in their list of top movies to watch I have to say hands down that I have more clout. When you can't also understand how an industry I loves often butchers art and storytelling in a means to again increase their profit margin then I just can't get behind you shaky at best expertise on the issue. Movies like Wolverine Origins, V for Vendetta, and most things M Night Shamalamadingdong have done since Signs just can't make the cut as you have potential for good storytelling and interesting premises that in the end fall flat because of a fearful heavy handed film industry that has lost track of what it is all about: art.

Films even come by today that make this cut of what could be great but end up losing their flair in filling seats rather than sticking to their guns and telling the story they are meant to tell. And really film is where the ultimate argument lies as there is honestly very little art in the geekcred cult traipsings or cineplex blockbusters. There are exceptions to this but they are so few they are barely worth mentioning. I can pick two or three films a year that make that "must see" list that every time leave me shaking my head and wondering if often times it is more about this status of agreement than actually making a informed decision about what you are viewing on the screen. In all, I guess it just goes back to another saying that was thrown around a lot last night: art is in the eye of the beholder.

And lastly...comics. These gentlemen I live with I have mentioned before are a bunch of tough nuts to crack. There seems to be a block that infuriates me and that block is "comics are for kids". This seems to be the very thing that keeps these guys from recognizing that comics have evolved from simply a pre-teen/teen male ego fantasy with aspirations at modern mythology (thanks Alex Ross) into something that has examples of storytelling from all genres that touch on all personality and preference types. To lump a complete medium into the trash bin based on a few limited experiences is both short sited and just plain dumb. I will be the first to understand that there isn't a huge love for superhero books even though for some reason the same people love the movies for which they are based on. Superhero books aren't realistic and aren't meant to be.

Superheroes have represented a myriad of ideas over their history though. From their humble beginnings as male power fantasies being created by the fathers of "funny books" like Bill Finger, Stan Lee, Bob Kane, and the team of Seigel and Schuster things have drastically grown even in this small area of graphic print. Where superheroes are concerned though they mostly still tend to follow the trappings of individual/team find world level threat and pound it into submission while ignoring scientific and mathematic principles. I can see why that would roll some eyes. My reasoning for reading these really comes from a very very personal place that may one day be the subject of another blog entry. That being said though I can definitely understand the distaste for this kind of storytelling in general. Not always but generally it can be over simplistic and juvenile. But to then write off the entirety of the genre because of your limited sampling...well there is that ignorant word again.

Comics are so much more than superheroes these days, and really from their very beginnings have been. People know Superman, Batman, X-Men, and Iron Man but most don't know that many stories have been told of many different types in this form. The Spirit by Will Eisner is greatly unknown besides a horrible movie version by Frank Miller that butchered the character. The Spirit has inspired so many modern crime novelists and pulp storytellers for which without we might never have had Sin City or 100 Bullets (both comics). Maus by Art Spiegleman remains one of the most acclaimed works on the Holocaust ever written and something I would easily hold up against a Schindler's List or its like. The fact is that generalizing when it comes to graphic storytelling is a very American thing. Comics around the world celebrate a vibrant history that doesn't suffer from the limited scope of vision that we suffer from in this country. And comics like Unknown Soldier, Preacher, Transmetropolitan, and Scalped (all from the outstanding Vertigo imprint at DC Comics) work as complex tales that serve as a sharing of the authors ideology but also work as great pieces of social commentary while dealing with very adult themes. Again, don't just lump in everything into one group because of your limited understanding. That just makes you look stupid.

I do like some action movies and stoner comedies. There is some metal that I simply cannot imagine not listening to. And even when it comes to comics, I know Marvel and DC history like a planned tactician on the battlefield. I will be the first to admit that not everything I like is perfect. But I will soundly stand on the fact that my expertise in these areas (which to most of you I'm sure means nothing) is never to be denied. I've studied and ingested more content and information in these 3 areas and in a few others than generally anyone I know. You can have your video and board games. I don't understand it but I do get it from a strictly "this is the thing I love" standpoint. Just don't dismiss me as some soap box spouting ingest-er of media. I know media. I know its art. I know the complexity of what it can be. In that I get little reward but it is the one thing I have that is a part of me. And to not own this...well...makes me little more than a breathing carbon-based lifeform. I know the sum of me is much greater than that.

Thanks for your time and hope your weekends have been good...

J...

Pathways and Restorations

There is so much going on right now and sleep seems kinda un-necessary. As I start this new phase in my life I can't help but see the same landmines laid at my feet again. Let's start from the beginning though...

About 3 months ago I took an internship with a local video company. I have worked for them on and off as a contractor over the years and one day while I was searching for a job and helping them with a project I just decided to take a chance and see if they would be willing to take me on, train me, and in exchange I would have some small means of paying my bills before I leave at the end of the summer again to help my Uncle with my other job. I figured at first this might be something that would just get me through this year as I've grown quite accustomed to living life on the fly and making plans as I go. Well plans change...sometimes for the better.

Now having worked with them for some time I'm seeing old dreams long dead coming back to life again. There is a chapter in my life that I would rather forget. I'm sure most of you would assume it was the addiction years. That is not the case. It is the church years. Something that should have been used to change me for the better instead tore me down, destroyed me, and left me feeling defensive and alone. During those early years of church work I firmly believe God created vision in me to see some bigger things being done in my life. And not as someone's lackey but as one of the driving forces of something that is bigger than myself. Well through a series of missteps on a lot of people's parts (including myself) those dreams and visions were destroyed and the simple thought of them left me sick to my stomach. I hated those dreams. In many ways it still creates fear and resentment in me that I don't know if it will ever fully be healed. That I can accept.

But a thing changed over the last month and a half. While working my current internship I began to see patterns in my old plans come to light again. At first (and maybe even a little still) I felt I needed to run. This is the path I have taken in the past after all it has never ended well for me. But there is something here in the continued understanding of my employers, the love they give, and the safety I am feeling that is stirring trust in me which is something I rarely give out anymore. It makes my romantic relationships nearly impossible, insures that I will always keep friends just away from being fully in the picture, and the few times I have ventured out over the last 7 years I've nearly always regretted it. This is not the case this time.

Over this last bit of time I now find myself with the prospect of a real adult job with real adult benefits and real adult responsibilities. Trust again is reciprocated as I feel not only am I giving my trust more freely to Matt and Jo, but I'm also but they are giving their trust to me in really what is their life. The thought of being treated as a man, something that most employers I've had never have done, is unusual but it is developing in me a pride that I've never really had. And with all of this...I'm doing what I love again. My days are spent in joy working with media which is where I always knew I needed to be. I take to it like I was born into this. Sure I'm still an intern and learning, but with mutual respect, patience, and the (here's that word again) trusts I'm building I can see a bright future here.

The best part is I know I can be proud of the work I am doing. There have been other jobs where I was proud of my work, but it seemed at every turn there was someone to shit all over it or make me feel like I wasn't worth what I thought I was. This shakey balance does give me hope that one day I will be able to not carry my life's hurts as a banner, but instead live as I've learned from them and treat them as constructive tools to better do my job. In the short time I have worked with Pinnacle Media (the company I work for does have a name) I've worked on videos for large Christian schools, OSU appreciation pieces, honoree work for some of the beacons our community, and at least a dozen others that I know make a difference. In all I can say God didn't let me down even if the world may have.

So with my future bright and shining of course these last few weeks have sent me some curve balls. Anger has always been something I've battled with. I don't like being an angry person. It is a trait I inherited from my Dad who got it from his who I'm sure got it from his. This has only been exacerbated by the loss of someone I loved dearly at the beginning of the week. I'm finding my fuse growing shorter and shorter, and it is creating yet another vision of my nature that I don't think truly exemplifies the nature of my heart. I really am a soft guy at heart. Shy to a fault. And at 32 I'm realizing that is okay. There is a goodness and kindness that brings that about. It is trying to balance the nature of what I am and the nature of what I've created myself to be.

Finding footing in this crazy time of sweeping change is a must. I'm setting up plans and goals to work towards. It is looking like in two years I'll be completely debt free (I'm sure you would like to know this information Sally Mae) and am already talking about doing something I haven't ever done in my adult life: setting roots in one place and committing to it. For all the ill I say against Bend it is the place I've met most of the really outstanding people I've had in my life at different times. My core group of friends (which is ever expanding) is a product of Bend. My connections and networking world exist in the Central Oregon community of Bend. Some of the women I have loved the most in my life I have met right here. And most importantly, I've met friends that have led me to a job and a future that just doesn't benefit me, but I think really is my chance to do what I've always wanted to do and give back to the community from my gifts.

I have one caveat in all of this is my loss this week. I apologize for any hurtful words or actions that may occur in the near future. The loss of Heather in a lot of ways took the wind out of my sails. This was a girl, as those who knew me during the time we were dating, that I really thought could have been the one. I've never had someone so unabashedly show their love for me. It coaxed out a freedom in love from me that was more pure and sincere then I have ever experienced in my life. With her gone I'm not sure what to do with the beautiful thing her and I started to build together and never finished. There are the immature ideas for sure, but when it comes down to it I have to in this time find a healthy release for an energy that is not wrong, just misdirected in a place where it can find no hold.

In this life we must rejoice for our wins and mend the wounds for the battles we've lost. We have to take that time for ourselves. I think I'm getting better at that. Maybe one day that will bring love back home. For now I am proud to say I'm a man with some incredible people surrounding me and a bright future doing the mission of what my hands were meant to do. Have a great weekend all.

J...

I write this as I'm quaking. So much emotion going on right now that this is all I know how to deal with. Forgive me as I won't be happy and I don't want cheering up. I want to linger in this for a while because it is the last thing she gave me...

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My Little One...

I'm shaken today by the knowledge the you and I don't share the same sky anymore. That there will be no more talks till the sun comes up. No more horse rides on the beach or chances to hold you in my arms that now grow weakened by this fact. The removal of you means trying to remember the little things that made our lives special.

I can remember having to say goodbye. Having shirts I had shared (that were always more like dresses to you) that I never wanted to wash for fear of losing your smell. A smell that still lingers in my mind like sweet spring on the breeze. But it was that goodbye that was the hardest. And it is right now that I wish I could have told you these things before we had let it go too far. I don't know if I'll ever be able to not look back.

With that what you get is some simple words I wish I could have said to your face: I will always love you. Not as a friend though there were times you were the best one of those I could have had. Not as a Christian though I do wish I could have shared the love of Jesus with you more. It is a love that will always writhe but never be free for there isn't a destination for it to go. Just an empty shell of what once was the most miraculous vision I've ever beheld. You were my miracle in life.

Thanks for letting me be a little boy around you...and for being safe enough to be a little girl around me. Together we could get so small because it was in each others company we found safety from past regrets, bad dreams, and the demons we could not escape. It started as just four walls but in those moments I felt we had the whole world. You broke that barrier in my vision that only allowed me to see myself as a monster. You showed me the littlest of things that resided in me...an innocence I don't think I'll ever own again.

And the one thing I could never tell you enough: you were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Sure you heard me say the words but actions never quite matched it. And I could sit here and think about the has beens and the might have beens but the fact is all I can give in my life is words. Not ever been very good for much else. You were and are so beautiful though. Every time you entered the room my heart was near to burst. It was a feeling so intense that I was glad to give it to only you because I don't think I could handle anymore.

So I take with me our first dance...our first kiss...the giddy moments and forgetfulness that came with two entwined souls that have lost their chance to "get old a prune-y together". I will still always picture the porch swing. I still long for your silly purple couches and moments where we could just hold hands, look at each other, and know that in the second the rest of the world had fallen away. I pray for you today. That my words had some affect and that you will be waiting for me when I come your way. There is a porch swing in Heaven and it has our names on it.

And there was always the question...

Your Heart...Your Angel

J...

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I ask that if you read this you don't respond. I wrote this because I want everyone to know how beautiful my friend Heather was. I wish the world could have told her that more. If you take one thing from this let it be this: don't miss a chance to tell the people in your life how amazing they are, and show it. You may have love in your life but it takes so little to snatch that away. If I ever know half the love I knew Heather with another person I will be the luckiest man in the world. Love like that only happens once in a lifetime.

J...

Random Geekisms

Yep...I've been angry. Like I was when I was younger and listened to horrible music. Like when I was going through that stage of frustration trying to find who I am...we're talking 20-23. And well...I don't like it on me.

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Something I've been meaning on getting to for a while: Lost.

I've loved this show. I've dedicated hour upon hour to memorizing every little nuance of the show. I combed over the characters, the branching story lines, and the references made in almost every minute detail of the show. And now that we are on the cusp of the end of this great series I can only say one thing. What the Hell are you guys thinking?

These last few episodes have been a huge let down. After promises of a "bible" and big pay off everything seems a bit contrived and as if there will be no comfortable ending to this show after all. I don't know why I expected any different. Season upon season of character and crew changes were bound to blow up in their face. You can't balance that many threads over that much time and have things end cleanly. So now...I just want it to end.

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Comics: This is clearly a geek edition.

Bravo Marvel! Boo DC! Heroic Age has been outrageously entertaining and is returning to something I've sorely missed in my comics. There was a time where everything Marvel touched seemed to have this ancient mythological feel to it. Then...the Bendis years. Don't get me wrong. Brian Micheal Bendis is an outstanding writer. His Daredevil and Ultimate Spider-Man remain some of my favorite super hero works, and his pre-Marvel stuff just screams talent. But what Bendis brought was street level heroes. No more sense of awe. Just the vicarious living of a geek. That has never been what the medium has been about for me.

Well with the start of Heroic Age Marvel has already delivered a more intriguing cohesive universe. From the outset with Avengers Finale we get some of the biggest stories Marvel has done in some time with a feel of what made the company...well...marvelous. Heroes that feel like something to strive for. But then there is DC...

Dear DC...why does your universe feel like a constant cluster fuck over the last 3 years? Oh...right...Dan DiDio. Despite having some of the best titles on the market (Batman and Robin, R.E.B.E.L.S., Green Lantern. etc.) yet again we are being choked out with the heavy hand of editorial. I've never understood the editorial function in comics. It seems like somewhere along the line a bunch of liberal arts majors that wanted to write but don't have the talent decided the way they can get their justification is by ruining the work of the truly talented. I won't go on as I've covered this before but most of what DC is putting out is simply unreadable.

Most...Vertigo is still a beacon of all things that make graphic storytelling great. American Vampire, IZombie, DMZ, Sweet Tooth...the list goes on. Vertigo really sets a standard that is unmatched. Vertigo is the imprint that I hand people when I want to introduce them to why I love comics. Spider Jerusalem and Jesse Custer have become the oil that greases the wheels. Hear me Marvel? Hear me D...wait...DC owns Vertigo. Hmmm? Apparently someone lost the memo on what makes good comics. Just stop turning these titles into shitty action movies...wait...that is another blog.

Have a great day all. I have a shower with my name on it.

J...

What's Art and What's Not

I've been silent for some time. Sick, new job, and the things that life tends to add just keep getting in the way but there has been something percolating. This is short and to the point as I think I let it percolate too much: graffiti art.

A little while back I admonished an acquaintance for not understanding that art can be found where you least expect it. By giving people a place as a public outlet (public lands, government buildings, privately owned buildings, etc.) maybe we could work with "street artists" to help beautify run down areas and those with low esthetic value. In theory this is a good idea and many countries have put similar programs to work doing just that and it has done amazing things. That is however not the purpose of those. It is kinda more of an admitting I was wrong...in some aspects.

After wandering around town for the last few weeks I've noticed the growing trend of tagging on nearly every clean surface available. These tags, crude spray paint blobs that could never be called art, are an eye sore and is not done in the sense of the tradition but strictly because some young people have nothing better to do then deface people's personal property. There is a respect and art to good tagging. "Bombing" adds something while giving an outlet for teens and adults to express themselves. The ones I'm seeing however are clearly the lashing out of no-skill hacks that I will gladly turn in if I ever see them doing such.

So in the end...it takes one to ruin the bunch. This is one of those times I gladly cheer on local authorities to put these hoodlums away. I like the beauty of Bend...one of the few nice things here that is free...and you "kids" are clearly just a nuisance that needs to be nipped in the bud. If you want to improve your skills and try again then by all means...do it in your parent's garage.