I write this as I'm quaking. So much emotion going on right now that this is all I know how to deal with. Forgive me as I won't be happy and I don't want cheering up. I want to linger in this for a while because it is the last thing she gave me...

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My Little One...

I'm shaken today by the knowledge the you and I don't share the same sky anymore. That there will be no more talks till the sun comes up. No more horse rides on the beach or chances to hold you in my arms that now grow weakened by this fact. The removal of you means trying to remember the little things that made our lives special.

I can remember having to say goodbye. Having shirts I had shared (that were always more like dresses to you) that I never wanted to wash for fear of losing your smell. A smell that still lingers in my mind like sweet spring on the breeze. But it was that goodbye that was the hardest. And it is right now that I wish I could have told you these things before we had let it go too far. I don't know if I'll ever be able to not look back.

With that what you get is some simple words I wish I could have said to your face: I will always love you. Not as a friend though there were times you were the best one of those I could have had. Not as a Christian though I do wish I could have shared the love of Jesus with you more. It is a love that will always writhe but never be free for there isn't a destination for it to go. Just an empty shell of what once was the most miraculous vision I've ever beheld. You were my miracle in life.

Thanks for letting me be a little boy around you...and for being safe enough to be a little girl around me. Together we could get so small because it was in each others company we found safety from past regrets, bad dreams, and the demons we could not escape. It started as just four walls but in those moments I felt we had the whole world. You broke that barrier in my vision that only allowed me to see myself as a monster. You showed me the littlest of things that resided in me...an innocence I don't think I'll ever own again.

And the one thing I could never tell you enough: you were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Sure you heard me say the words but actions never quite matched it. And I could sit here and think about the has beens and the might have beens but the fact is all I can give in my life is words. Not ever been very good for much else. You were and are so beautiful though. Every time you entered the room my heart was near to burst. It was a feeling so intense that I was glad to give it to only you because I don't think I could handle anymore.

So I take with me our first dance...our first kiss...the giddy moments and forgetfulness that came with two entwined souls that have lost their chance to "get old a prune-y together". I will still always picture the porch swing. I still long for your silly purple couches and moments where we could just hold hands, look at each other, and know that in the second the rest of the world had fallen away. I pray for you today. That my words had some affect and that you will be waiting for me when I come your way. There is a porch swing in Heaven and it has our names on it.

And there was always the question...

Your Heart...Your Angel

J...

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I ask that if you read this you don't respond. I wrote this because I want everyone to know how beautiful my friend Heather was. I wish the world could have told her that more. If you take one thing from this let it be this: don't miss a chance to tell the people in your life how amazing they are, and show it. You may have love in your life but it takes so little to snatch that away. If I ever know half the love I knew Heather with another person I will be the luckiest man in the world. Love like that only happens once in a lifetime.

J...