About 3 months ago I took an internship with a local video company. I have worked for them on and off as a contractor over the years and one day while I was searching for a job and helping them with a project I just decided to take a chance and see if they would be willing to take me on, train me, and in exchange I would have some small means of paying my bills before I leave at the end of the summer again to help my Uncle with my other job. I figured at first this might be something that would just get me through this year as I've grown quite accustomed to living life on the fly and making plans as I go. Well plans change...sometimes for the better.
Now having worked with them for some time I'm seeing old dreams long dead coming back to life again. There is a chapter in my life that I would rather forget. I'm sure most of you would assume it was the addiction years. That is not the case. It is the church years. Something that should have been used to change me for the better instead tore me down, destroyed me, and left me feeling defensive and alone. During those early years of church work I firmly believe God created vision in me to see some bigger things being done in my life. And not as someone's lackey but as one of the driving forces of something that is bigger than myself. Well through a series of missteps on a lot of people's parts (including myself) those dreams and visions were destroyed and the simple thought of them left me sick to my stomach. I hated those dreams. In many ways it still creates fear and resentment in me that I don't know if it will ever fully be healed. That I can accept.
But a thing changed over the last month and a half. While working my current internship I began to see patterns in my old plans come to light again. At first (and maybe even a little still) I felt I needed to run. This is the path I have taken in the past after all it has never ended well for me. But there is something here in the continued understanding of my employers, the love they give, and the safety I am feeling that is stirring trust in me which is something I rarely give out anymore. It makes my romantic relationships nearly impossible, insures that I will always keep friends just away from being fully in the picture, and the few times I have ventured out over the last 7 years I've nearly always regretted it. This is not the case this time.
Over this last bit of time I now find myself with the prospect of a real adult job with real adult benefits and real adult responsibilities. Trust again is reciprocated as I feel not only am I giving my trust more freely to Matt and Jo, but I'm also but they are giving their trust to me in really what is their life. The thought of being treated as a man, something that most employers I've had never have done, is unusual but it is developing in me a pride that I've never really had. And with all of this...I'm doing what I love again. My days are spent in joy working with media which is where I always knew I needed to be. I take to it like I was born into this. Sure I'm still an intern and learning, but with mutual respect, patience, and the (here's that word again) trusts I'm building I can see a bright future here.
The best part is I know I can be proud of the work I am doing. There have been other jobs where I was proud of my work, but it seemed at every turn there was someone to shit all over it or make me feel like I wasn't worth what I thought I was. This shakey balance does give me hope that one day I will be able to not carry my life's hurts as a banner, but instead live as I've learned from them and treat them as constructive tools to better do my job. In the short time I have worked with Pinnacle Media (the company I work for does have a name) I've worked on videos for large Christian schools, OSU appreciation pieces, honoree work for some of the beacons our community, and at least a dozen others that I know make a difference. In all I can say God didn't let me down even if the world may have.
So with my future bright and shining of course these last few weeks have sent me some curve balls. Anger has always been something I've battled with. I don't like being an angry person. It is a trait I inherited from my Dad who got it from his who I'm sure got it from his. This has only been exacerbated by the loss of someone I loved dearly at the beginning of the week. I'm finding my fuse growing shorter and shorter, and it is creating yet another vision of my nature that I don't think truly exemplifies the nature of my heart. I really am a soft guy at heart. Shy to a fault. And at 32 I'm realizing that is okay. There is a goodness and kindness that brings that about. It is trying to balance the nature of what I am and the nature of what I've created myself to be.
Finding footing in this crazy time of sweeping change is a must. I'm setting up plans and goals to work towards. It is looking like in two years I'll be completely debt free (I'm sure you would like to know this information Sally Mae) and am already talking about doing something I haven't ever done in my adult life: setting roots in one place and committing to it. For all the ill I say against Bend it is the place I've met most of the really outstanding people I've had in my life at different times. My core group of friends (which is ever expanding) is a product of Bend. My connections and networking world exist in the Central Oregon community of Bend. Some of the women I have loved the most in my life I have met right here. And most importantly, I've met friends that have led me to a job and a future that just doesn't benefit me, but I think really is my chance to do what I've always wanted to do and give back to the community from my gifts.
I have one caveat in all of this is my loss this week. I apologize for any hurtful words or actions that may occur in the near future. The loss of Heather in a lot of ways took the wind out of my sails. This was a girl, as those who knew me during the time we were dating, that I really thought could have been the one. I've never had someone so unabashedly show their love for me. It coaxed out a freedom in love from me that was more pure and sincere then I have ever experienced in my life. With her gone I'm not sure what to do with the beautiful thing her and I started to build together and never finished. There are the immature ideas for sure, but when it comes down to it I have to in this time find a healthy release for an energy that is not wrong, just misdirected in a place where it can find no hold.
In this life we must rejoice for our wins and mend the wounds for the battles we've lost. We have to take that time for ourselves. I think I'm getting better at that. Maybe one day that will bring love back home. For now I am proud to say I'm a man with some incredible people surrounding me and a bright future doing the mission of what my hands were meant to do. Have a great weekend all.
J...
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