Sunday, December 26, 2010

Black Swan: Where does it fall? SPOILER ALERT!!!

Despite some pacing issues at the beginning Black Swan performs like nothing I've seen on the screen this year. Darren Aronofsky really shows why many consider him to be a prolific filmmaker with this one. The story follows a ballerina played by Natalie Portman who gets the lead in Swan Lake only to see it slip away when a younger dancer with the ability to do the part moves in and attempts to steal the role...or does she? That is the beauty of the pacing and hidden clues in the film: Aronofsky builds this unassuming story that becomes a tale of a woman trapped in her mother's failures and her fears while slowly literally becoming the part she always dreamed of playing (as would any dancer).

The cast was superb. So superb in fact that it warmed me to two actresses I've had trouble embracing up to this point: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. To me Natalie Portman began and ended at The Professional. This has changed my mind and convinced me she is indeed and outstanding actress and dare I say a modern Audrey Hepburn. Mila Kunis suffered simply from reminders of her TV yesteryears on That 70's Show. Again I'm proved wrong by not a new performance for her but a convincing one that really helped push Portman's lead. Vincent Cassel really rounds this cast out with a real fire and wit in his performance.

All in all I still have a few more films to watch before giving my complete verdict but thus far I'm decided. Black Swan had its meandering moments but I think overall Aronofsky beautiful film with plenty of engaging moments and times that really make a viewer like me smile. From beginning to end Black Swan is a joy to watch.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

True...and a little more gritty...(short review)

There is an anticipation of event when you have an inkling that the film you are about to see is going to be good. Maybe this isn't true for everyone but it mirrors my experience. I get this slow dull roar toward the core of my being that, if all goes as planned, becomes a towering crescendo upon its closing. And today I can say was one of those lucky days. It was my pleasure to see the latest from the Coen's and another movie I'm happy to have seen, True Grit.

Already I'm a huge fan of the western genre. And how fitting that the creators of the film No Country for Old Men (essentially a modernized death of western sensibilities) reignite that style with this movie. Obviously a re-telling of the classic novel originally popularized by the film with John Wayne, this movie is every bit as good as its predecessor with that special touch that makes everything Joel and Ethan touch magic. Angling and pacing were superb, and despite having a couple awkward edits I didn't understand this is easily my #1 movie of the year.

Jeff Bridges...you astound me...man. :)

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Memories Left Today

Comes on like cutting
Fury in storm
Cumbersome worry
For those taking form

Words come like blasting
Not fitting thing
The world that crashes
With that simple name

Not for said owner
Find not the chore
Of cast like true lovers
But wanting much more

So words just fleeting
And memories snug
In the warm place of resting
The grave which you dug

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Passion: What's That!?

Have had some time over the holiday weekend to really spend some time alone and search my heart for if there is anything that resembles "human". The truth is sometimes I feel like such a constant resting place for feelings of sadness, anger, and pain. Almost like I'm less a carbon-based life form and more an automaton for bitterness making emotion. So in the quiet space I had for myself over most of the week I've realized one of my biggest issues: I have no outlet.

For years I played percussion. Loved it. Still air drum from time to time and would challenge anyone to my keeping time skills. LOL I became a human metronome. It was always something that was good for me when I was frustrated with life and just couldn't take anymore. And along the lines I've found other things to replace it, but (and not saying I'm going to become a 33 year old drummer) I'm finally realizing in my immaturity what I had given up. It was the one thing that was all me and I could put my heart in.

For most of my life there are similar carcasses along the way. Music, computer programming, pastoring, and many other things have shown moments of dedication in my life, but in the end I always give up as not being good enough by someones standards I'll never beat: my own. It is the reason (I found this out this summer) that when most people talk about me in my family the question always comes up of why I ever quit that.

Rambling. There is a point to this. I need another outlet. I have a lot of things I would be interested in dabbling with but think maybe a new thing is not the way. I need to find that one thing that defines me and chase after it with all my heart. Funny thing is I do kinda know what that is. Film. Making it. Watching it. Discussing it. Film is something I think most would agree is at the core of who I am. I know actors, directors, writers, and other minutea of the business. But I think I need something that meets a physical need as well...hmmm? Thoughts?


Friday, November 26, 2010

Epitaph: Unsure

This is what my life looks like:

finances: unsure
friendships: unsure
romantic relationships: unsure
family: unsure
housing: unsure
food: unsure
God: unsure

Brought to you by the pleasant folks at "Is this really all there is to life?"

Honesty...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Mensa Membership Denied...Oh Well

I've been in two places in my head recently. Two unusual places at least. The last four months doing my other job really opened my mind to some new things and I'm really mulling over have I found a new way of living? I believe I have.

In our current climate of the power of the individual we have left in its wake a lot of what makes it great to be human: other people and a sense of community. Last year I did a simple, not very fancy, video on the meaning community for a local organization called TBD. Ever since hearing two gentlemen that had just moved to Bend talk about their ideas of community and what it means to them I've searched my heart to see if I have a definition for community in my own life. And if I do how do I value and nurture it?

I saw community just a month ago. In the loss of my cousin Rick I realized there are a group of people that are very human and very real but have a great sense of coming together than anyone I've ever known. You hear stories about village and what that looks like. Well in a moment of tragedy I witnessed love and togetherness. Something in me drastically bent. I began to see that there are still people in this world that hold onto the idea that we do nothing alone and this is a principle that is very important to me.

What to do with that becomes the question? How do we begin to create this sense of belonging amongst our next door neighbors and people where we live? The honest truth is I can get caught up in the minutea of it all just trying to create what I saw, but I think now I'm realizing that community is a very personal project that comes from years of simply investing in people and their lives. This has been hard to do because there always seems to be a learning curve every time I return from my trip during the summer. But it is something I mean to search and and try to see in my own lifetime.

The second thing comes from something I heard in a Aesop Rock track (don't ask me which one). He talks about how each of us was born destined to greatness in the one thing that we are most passionate about. That it is time for we as a people to rise up and define our own ways of making a living and really even just living life. And this is so true. It goes along well with something I used to tell people all the time...find that thing you do well and love and chase after it with all your heart.

As we age we become so conditioned to think that what we need in life is what I like to call the big four: romantic/sexual relationship, MONEY, material wealth, and some identifier that makes us an individual. What if everything we did made us our very own unique person? What if we decided instead of being pulled in by a meat market dating culture that we will instead learn to just enjoy people for who they are without any preconceived nothings of entitlement or mammalian mating rituals? When I stop and think about even the idea of this I get scared because it is so new. If I want to make that film the only one stopping me is me. If I want to live in the woods and eat twigs for the rest of my life I am my only obstacle.

So there ya go. There ya have it. My first real posting since my return. I'm going to try and get on a schedule with these things but you know...why? I do love posting here though so you will be sure to hear from me again sooner or later. I'm glad to be back folks...wish some of you were closer...but it is good to be home. Hopefully with all the community I can handle.

One Love

J...



Monday, November 1, 2010

All Things Considered

I'm back as so many of you know. I'm going to skim over some stuff but I'm back in Bend, back home, and just getting a sense of living that has so far been beyond my grasp. This year in the mountains was a real eye opener for me but I guess I'll get to that story first.

I just got back from the mountains working with my Uncle and Cousin. Some of you know what I do. It is a job I love immensely. I make a lot of money at it, get to be involved in something I feel I'm putting a part of me in, and it gives me time to recollect and clear my head to really get to the core of what life can do to a person when they don't take breaks. The nice thing about the job in the mountain is that I have no choice but doing this. Being removed from civilization and basically off the grid gives me no choice but to be honest and true about the choices I've made in the last year and what they've done to me as a person.

This year revealed a lot. Always surprising is how clear God's voice is in the fields. In that moment in nature I can't help but fall away and accept that I have to listen. And always I learn new things and accept reality for what it is but this year was much less hard on me than it has been in years past. Despite a lack of sleep and struggling with the loss of my cousin God's was always a stable voice that showed me he is proud, accepting, and welcoming. It is in the acceptance that I was able to accept some more of the reality of who he made me to be.

But there was the loss of my cousin Rick. I'm coping. I don't know how my family is as strong as they are but Rick really hit me hard. After two years I can honestly say I loved that man like a brother. Rick was killed on October 18th 2010 when his car left the road and struck a tree. He was killed instantly leaving behind his fiance Candice Spearen and their little boy Aron. Rick was a guy that lived life like every day was his last. That may seem trite or maybe a bit of ill timing but the truth is is that Rick may have only been 22 but that (excuse the phrase folks) little fucker lived 100 years in those 22 years. He was quite a young man and left an impact on everyone he knew. I miss him a lot still. He was one of the good ones.

Now I'm back though. Bend. And while things were a bit of a struggle for a few days I can honestly say I'm so happy to be home. Bend is finally home after 14 years and I'm looking to make roots here. The job is kind of a question right now, but I know I've got enough talent and knowhow that if need be I'll create my own thing that will keep me here. This is my family...the city. As quirky and sometimes weird as you all can be I consider you all my brothers and sisters here. The only place I've ever felt this closeness is when I'm down south visiting my blood family. You guys all make this home.

I hope to get back to this. My writing hands are a bit shakey because getting acclimated to farm life doesn't really encourage a life obsessed with tech. You all know me though. Without a girl to distract me I'll always have some sort of computer or communication device in my hand. Simply said I'm back and if you want to see me just ask. I do miss you all and want to see each and every one of you. With all my love...

J...

Saturday, July 17, 2010

More From the Random Thought Generator

There is someone I have a couple things I want to say to right now but I'm scared. I hate that because I think my fear is going to make me miss out on a chance to tell someone how I really feel about them. Hopefully I'll grow a pair...

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Great press conference the other day Mr Jobs. It seems since the whole iPhone 4 leak on Gizmodo that every major online news outlet has been out to get Jobs and crew at Apple. Even listening to the Twit broadcasts yesterday you could hear the bitterness in their voices. I'll make one simple statement and leave it at that: Apple may not be perfect but they are still the innovator in this country that sets the standard for computers, smart phones, and music distribution. Love or hate 'em there has never really been a reason for the bile they receive. If the press conference taught us anything it showed us that the current iPhone antenna issues are common to all smartphones, they are offering a viable solution to the problem (including your money back), and the problem has been inflated as typical with the hype driven media.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Just finished Second Coming. The story arch that ties together a lot of threads that have been going on in all the X-Titles for the last 3-4 years. Have to say I was surprised. The main key points of the story are really wrapping up the "hatred for mutants" story that has been going on for years within the core titles and introduce a change from the "No More Mutants" status quo that has become synonymous with the X-Men books.

In typical event fashion my one complaint is too much dialogue and too little story over waaaaay too many issues. This has become the event death knell. Felt the same way with Blackest Night, Secret Invasion, and several other stories. Here's to hoping that Marvel and DC are learning to streamline storytelling to get to the core and the tale and stop weighing us down in fluff.

But in the end this story comes together well. It really starts a new direction for the mutants (vampires which I'm not going to pass judgement on yet but...meh) that is promised with every major storyline. They are heroes now. In the eyes of a lot of the world. Cyclops comes into his own even if I don't agree with a lot of his decisions. Wolverine takes the reigns of X-Force with a strong team I can't wait to read. And best yet...Hope is not a waste of character. In fact she was used to her fullest...though I'm sad to see Cable go...again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

That is all. Have a great weekend all.

J...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

For real this time...

It is very little time before I leave for as much as 3 months this year. I'm doing my summer job and this year I have to be honest: I would rather stay. There is one reason in particular but I've decided this maybe being my last blog for a while I would share more of what is going on in my life.

Over these last 5 months I've been working an internship here in town. I love this job. I love the people I work for, I love the work (video), and I love that it is helping me realize that after years of fighting it Bend is where I belong. I've had the honor of working with people from all walks of life in Central Oregon and the Northwest since starting and this is something I could see turn into a real career. And in November it just might as the internship will be over and we've talked about me coming on as a full employee of the company. I couldn't be more excited to work for Matt and Pinnacle.

In this time I'm lost and hurt a lot too. Recently one of the best friends I could have had seems to have walked away. With that and losing Heather this year (with her suicide) this was looking to be an all-time winner in the worst year I could possibly have. Relationships mean a lot to me and even though my words hurt them sometimes my heart is in it to keep things going and keep them strong. With this and my health having ups and downs, which is nothing new, I could just write this all off.

But somethings have happened. I've met some great friends that even though we don't like or do that same things, we have a solid relationship not based on similar interests but on good people spending time with good people. I've also become acquainted with someone that is becoming to mean quite a lot in my life. This person has been the one thing that has held me together and made me feel sane...and my face hurt from laughing and smiling so much. In all they've been God's gift to me this year and I'm much better for them being around. One of my best friends without a doubt. And that is all I'm going to say on that now.

Needless to say I'm going to miss you all. Other good things to report: I've lost 65 lbs since last June. I'm sober almost 8 years now which I'm really excited about. I love Apple and have drank the Kool-aid. And lastly...well...I'm going to miss you all. I'll be sure to write as soon as I get back. And until then...know I love most of ya. And the ones I don't...well...there's always when I return. LOL

Much Love

Jack

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Believe Your Busy

Haven't done this in a while...

I'd step aside
To know you
If only in one breath
Finds tragedies and victories
immense
For in life I'll find
These moments
In time I'll find
This place
Where stop means go
I just don't know
How not to
Die in place
For thoughts
So wrapped around me
A glimpse at
Something new
And when its still
And in its place
All thats left
Is memories of you

Friday, July 2, 2010

My new book has me reflecting. On life. Evolution. What the day to day will look like in 10, 20, even 50 years from now. I think of my Cousin and Uncle. The path's that their lives have taken. The ever evolving world of commerce where we are on a constant hunt to "get ours" which means drastic change in what was once just the accepted career field. And now...to the point.

I don't think big business will win. I don't think the powers that be will finally find that all crushing moment where we all become weak and subservient. The coming generation and even mine has shown me that. We are not willing to accept their collar and leash lying down. So this goes out to you corporation. We are coming for what you have because that which you do not give freely we will take through creative innovation.

The Grouch lately has been constantly on my playlist. Whether you are a hip hop fan or not this guy is seriously a legitimate auteur. The simple words "the grower in the hills with the crop" are really what have burgeoned this vision of bourgeois society rising up. Marijuana cultivation has become much more than a bunch of aimless hippies in the hills growing to get high. It has become a culture of taking a stance against the norm by simply doing. In the simple act of separating themselves from the daily rat race these and people in the hip hop and progressive rock cultures, art community, and many other avenues have said, "We will not lie still and take it."

That puts a smile on my face...and the fact that I have a visitor. She is pretty incredible. :) Much love all and have a great 4th.

J...

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Update:

As most of you have been reading I've been kinda off my game for about the last month. A lot has been going on and I think some things settled in late. But for the most part my health has meant no sleep which means I'm slowly losing my mind. Well I'm hoping with my big test tomorrow at the doctor this week will be a reprieve and I will be back to my snarky sarcastic self here. Love you all even if lately it has been hard to tell.

J...

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Rantings for Rantings Sake...

So Henry Miller and I were separated at birth I'm convinced. There is the natural draw to cynicism that I think comes with a good amount of living in this world and also educating yourself about its operations. Certain things are just destined to create a certain air of disdain for your fellow man. I know I'm there on almost a daily basis. The evil that men do and the depths of vileness they are capable of can only make me arrive at one point of belief: everyone is out for their own. It is a mantra I've been struggling not to live by. Trying to understand love and compassion was once a draw so great that I thought it would indeed be my life's work. What reality tells me though is this is a waste of my time and that I should just do whatever I want with the few decent people I have in my life to find some semblance of "happiness". I'm here to say I think true happiness is a lie reserved only for greeting cards and The Foundation for a Better Tomorrow.

Is it any wonder we are a nation of gluttens feeling free to suckle at the sacred cow of fast food and prescription medication? It is these mini vacations from reality that are the only things that maintain a calm exterior. It is a fuck, a smoke, a snort, a devouring that has become the one place "joy" can consistently be found and it is tenuous at best. I really believe this is why we have a flawed system that no one is willing to work to improve, an economic epidemic that could be solved soundly if the rich would be willing to let loose their coffers, and a health epidemic that doesn't just touch us physically but mentally and spiritually as well. Welcome to the zombie apocalypse: population everyone.

We had one of our many debates at home last night and I will be the first to admit that most of my arguments require huge jumps in logic but that is what you get when you have someone who is passionate to the point of nothing being too sacred to trample. I clearly stated that I've given up on humanity and that the only answer I can accept at this point is if you have proven you are incapable of handling power you have been given then it should be taken from you, by force if needed. This includes wealth...a primary focus of most of my arguments lately.

You see I ride the bus system to and from work every day here in Bend. I've seen the faces of the services workers that pump your gas, clean your motel rooms, and flip your burgers. I've also seen the faces of those that refuse to live this life and instead have taken upon themselves to choose the street, drugs, and a bottle as their only solution. These souls content to bob and weave the complex structures of chaos and technology we call the modern world in a stupor of chemical haze. These rank and file individuals that don't see jail as a punishment but as three hots and a cot. This is a life relegated to those that never had choices in education, healthcare, or a number of other things that the privileged and wealthy take for granted around the world.

Talking with some friends the other day I think I've boiled down the need to something that is simple: we all just want to be contented. I was reminded of a time in another life for me when I could just go to the store when I needed something and not worry about how I was going to afford it. As I sit here in tremendous pain I can't help but think of countries around the world where this is not acceptable as they feel a responsibility to maintain a quality of life in hopes that they will get many returns within community. Sitting here and reading these last few sentences it all makes such sense. So why is it that not everyone can grasp this?

The most absurd thing in all of this is the people that do struggle are also ones I've heard so many times espouse ideas of earned wealth and status when all they are really doing is regurgitating the propaganda of the Global media machine and its controlled lobotomy of an entire species. It is the middle class that is now the new endangered species though I would probably say it is already dead. Meanwhile big corporate think tanks are contented high in their towers just maintaining a way of life with a wink and a nod.

To me it is amazing listening to people and what they get outraged about. When a child is murdered people clearly call for vengence yet when there is a potential death of a culture, of a social psyche is slowly killed through attrition we hold interest for the briefest of times before moving on the the next "national tragedy". Naturally cries of socialism (I've which I've been informed I'm more of a selective socialist) fall deafly on my ears as I embrace this flawed system as the only true way of living.

Whatever may come of this...and most of this might just come from a mind addled by physical pain...this is things as things are. Be well those of you carbon-based life forms I actually call friends...

J...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Breathe

Just started a new book: Pandora's Seed. OUTSTANDING!!! Nothing makes me happier than reading about how civilization is destroying humanity. Maybe I'm a little cynical right now.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm sitting here in frustration again. I'm continually thinking of what I can do to change things because frankly I just feel I'm not doing enough. Living within the church culture for as long as I did it is easy to just throw your hands to the sky and accept this defeatest "all is in God's hands" attitude but prescribe more to the "God helps those who help themselves" mentality.

This current BP situation and the judge that broke Obama's freeze on all drilling in the Gulf just has me about as angry as can be. It is funny listening to O'Reilly taking the devil's advocate role lately on his show in hopes he can relate to his mostly undereducated viewership. Even in this he takes the standard stance of violence while you can hear under his breath that he is being disingenuous. His statements of the execs being put before a firing squad is clearly very tongue in cheek. The whole thing seems rather an act whether it be politicians or pundits...just grandstanding with a crowd they clearly can't relate to but oh do they ever try.

I'm fighting taking a stance of violence. Violence is where I jump to too often and it definitely proves I'm not too far from this Neandrathal mentality that I preach so often against. As well read as I am you can't change the nature/nurture creation that I am often times so I end up fighting the very passions the reside inside. And it is so hard to fight. There is so much to be angry about, and so much of that anger leads to a typical white male reaction of something must die.

I was reading recently a story about an incident that amounted to India's 9/11. Afghan terrorists took over two of their premiere hotels, killing 169 people. The rage that came from this could easily have led to a long and messy battle on what is already shaky ground between Indians and Arab nations. Instead they decided to use this momentum to rise up as a nation and become stronger. Use this sadness and anger to become a stronger unit. I think we can learn a lot from this lesson. Despite the broken knuckle that will always remind me of 9/11 (I punched a wall and broke my hand that day) I preached stop and think. Somehow I lost this somewhere along the way.

Peace and peaceful thoughts don't make us weak. It is the exact opposite. It takes much more strength to make the right decision than the immediate one. We are a country of immediate decisions. Every news network is screaming to the rafters that Obama isn't acting quick enough to get this oil spill under control. A person cuts us off in traffic and we are quick to start yelling and administer a healthy dose of the finger. I've rambled here a lot but the realization I've came to is we can do something. We can stop and think. Healthy protest isn't necessarily a bad thing. If you have the time or money to make a difference then do it instead of just talking about it (this is as much for me as my readers). And remember...we don't have to rush to opinion and anger. A good opinion is built on slow meticulous thought and rage is rarely righteous.

Thanks all and breathe...take the time to reflect and develop opinions.

J...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Leaving

Sounds like I may be leaving soon again. Some of you know about my other employment during the summer. Others of you don't and if you want to know bad enough send me a personal mail and I'll be glad to discuss it. The point being I'm going to be gone. No new comics. No bbqs. No movie nights or gaming or chatting. When I leave I'm off the grid and out of sight and mind from all my friends and family. This time could be as much as 4 months!!!

I'm a little apprehensive this time. I have a great job here in town that while it is an internship if I could find a way to make the money I would make at my summer job and enough extra to move into my own place then I would be staying. But there is another caviate to the plan...I do love getting to spend time with some family that growing up I never got to see. They are really great people and are a hell of a lot of fun. I've missed them for sure and this being what I believe to be my last year I'm hoping that I won't lose touch.

So pray for my safety this year. Pray for financial blessing and safe travels there and back. Pray that I find a place to store my stuff as I have very little but what little I do have it kinda a must to keep. Most of all, just good thoughts and well wishes will be appreciated. I do love the work. I love the people I do it for. But I miss you all so much when I'm gone. Will be thinking of you all kindly while I'm on the road.

One Love

J...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Trying Again...

Trying again
I've struck out
And can't win
The door is closed
The game is done
And never giving up
Was my cardinal sin

* * * * * * * * * * *

So here I am...sick again but going to work. Eating a bagel no less which I'm sure is a bad idea. I'm a so tired of living life sickness to sickness.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I'm directionless. Sailing the seas, bobbing to and fro has become a way of life for me with nothing being certain and the only thing being certain is that I'm breathing. Maybe that is enough. I can't think it is. Always life has felt like a draw to more. This year I've focused on surrounding myself with the minutia of craziness going on in the world around me. A greater understanding of things like poverty, financial issues, and the true impact of a "me first" culture. All this has managed to do is to bring into question the one thing I was sure of: my faith.

I suppose in the greater scheme of things it will come back but when you can quantify and regulate each "miracle" down to a number things seem a little more cut black and white. In that coldness you wonder to you embrace a cold reality yourself finding things like relationships and sexuality becoming nothing more than a means to perform a function. These things are broken down to exchanges of ideas and bodily fluids. Ideas exchanged much like computers filling out ever vast storages to brimming with knowledge that does little more than inflate. DNA exchanges that mean little more than the propagation of the species, the race, a credo, and a family unit.

So cold hard steel is where I'm at. I'm hoping it isn't where I'll stay. There is compassion in this heart that screams out just thinking about that idea but the voice gets quieter as the days go on. And before my Christian friends start in...no...church is not the answer. Church got me here. I pray when I deem necessary but even that feels like little more than ritual. And this could all be the result of too little sleep and too much fever for my own damn good. :)

J...

Friday, June 11, 2010

Tough Road for Many

I'm saddened by and amazed at life right now. All at the same time I'm inundated with emotions. Sadness can be easily qualified and quantified. The suicide bombing this week by a young man barely old enough to understand the ideology he was standing for blew himself up in a wedding, a usual cause for joy and celebration, killing 40. Then this morning I'm watching the news to find out there is was a man I had seen several times around that committed suicide on the bus route I ride every day. I can't begin to explain why either of these are hitting me like they are, but I just know that I can't help but feel there is something inheritly wrong with who we are as humanity when these kinds of things become blurbs in our community and when children become instruments for hate.
* * * * * * * * * *

Amazed: I don't want to say too much more than I'm curious. Finding some things in places that would have been the last for me to look. It is in times like these that a smile comes to my face knowing that there are still things out there that quiet a chaotic heart. As most of you who know me know I'm just getting past a recent death in my life that hit me hard. It through off all my schedule, my life, and really derailed everything I was working to. But in came this shining beacon and no matter how you define it, it has been something I needed and something now expected. My face hurts almost every day because of this...well...lets be honest here...person. This she. Amazed: the gifts that God gives come from the most unlikely of places I suppose. I guess I should know that at this point.

* * * * * * * * * *

Off to work a couple more projects. Updates and hopefully links to all the work I've been doing soon. It is some incredible stuff and between that and some amazing bosses that remind me of my value daily I can say that no matter what the world is bringing I'm doing well. Life is not the mess it appears...okay...slightly. :)

J...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Number 2

Not as in taking (the title is Number 2...do the math). Just cranking these out lately. I'm hoping those few that actually read my posts enjoy them.

* * * * * * * * * *

So I'm sitting here feeling a little guilty.

Heather is still an issue. I miss her. She was pretty damn amazing and I hope I find another woman in my life with half the qualities she had. The other day I had someone ask me to tell them some memories of her and the funniest thing came up. I simply said, "I love the way she snored."

Something so simple seems to stay with me now. Heather was just a little thing, but the sound that came out of her was that of a trucker. A very cute trucker. I remember waking some mornings to watch the sun hit her bare back while I stood in the window. I would just sit there and watch her chest rise and fall, and to me nothing could have been more perfect. The look of the light as it glistened off her tan skin was a vision I will hold forever...that something so little could encompass my mind like it does...*sigh*

It is funny what we remember about people and what we love. One person's annoyance is another's perfection. Things like snoring and snorting when one laughs can be endearing to the right ear especially when love is involved. I've never wanted to hear the sound again as much as I do now. Having to sit here and really think puts me in that place where I have to face the beauty that was there, embrace the things that were not perfect as stuff I can't change even when she was here, and that moving on is the one thing she would want for me. The thing I can be certain of is this: she would want me to know love like a mid-morning snore.

I'm curious. If you read this and feel up to it I would love to hear what is your "snoring" moment with someone you loved or love? What is that thing that only you get about them? Try to keep it clean and mature please. I'm sure we all have those moments and this would be a great chance to share. Have a great weekend all.

J...

Lost: Thoughts

So I've been asked by several people at this point what I thought of the Lost finale. I've taken my time because I want this to be good but honestly...I have not the passion for this subject I would have thought. So you get...a simple review:

I still remember the first time sitting down and watching a marathon of the first season which sadly was not my introduction. My first episode of Lost was actually season one's finale, which started a tradition of friends and media spoiling the show for me. Fight as I might to avoid it I couldn't get away from the news of what happened show to show, but it really didn't matter. The thing that has always drawn me to the show was the characters. In the end it really was the characters that were showcased with a bunch of great steps along the way. And I couldn't ask for a better ending.

Rabbit trail for a second: my personal favorite is those people (I can think of a few off the top of my head) that use my liking a television show and how it ended as a personal attack against me and really...beside pissing me off and revealing your stupidity that you can sustain intelligent conversation without resorting to vocal barbs...it is what is. You don't have to agree with me. Just don't think that your soap box is any better than mine.

Whew...back. :)

From the beginning this show unveiled character information in small nuggets that kept us coming back because we were invested in the characters themselves. The polar bears, smoke monster, Black Rock, and other details were just peripheral used to drive the story along. You couldn't exactly keep a show going to 6 years in the current climate of television with just interesting characters. It never works. Just ask Joss Whedon. But in this the creators found the glue that held this thing together. Viewers can't deny that you picked your favorites, followed them through the ups and downs, and when all was said and done you were cheering for Sun, Jin, Hugo, Jack, or one of the many others (those are my favorites btw).

The ending was not perfect. Most people who have had actual conversations with me about their feelings on the ending of the show have a valid argument. The ending could be seen as a cop out. The truth though, is after going over the details of the show I've stored away in my brain I can't see a single base covered that didn't make sense. This isn't like the show ended and unvalidated all the actions of the characters throughout. Each step was taken with determination and purpose, and I for one can say that covering that many bases is something to be applauded. The way the show ends with the players each finding bliss in their own personal Heaven, Shangri La, etc is much in tone with what the show has always done. This shows second purpose was always raising questions. And well done because even in the end we are left scratching our heads which to me is a joy.

The weaknesses are there though. The polar bear I've mentioned before almost becomes an afterthought when you compare it to the big deal it was in the first season and its reveal later in the desert. Jacob and his brother were honestly a bit of a let down. The time travel portion of the story, while amazing (loved the idea of energy transference into different vessels as opposed to actual matter movement which is impossible as we know it) becomes little more than a fun stop along the trip. Even Sun and Jin (my two favorite characters in the whole show) become this over extended emotional draw when I think they really were so much more. And Aaron...Jin and Sun's daughter...what about those kids?

So not perfect. Never will be. Stop for a second and think about how impossible it is to please all the fans with the ending to something that has endeared itself to such a following. Not going to be easy to close that down and make everyone happy. This still ranks up there for me. I think about the 3rd season the show runners saw that the show was broken and did the best they could with creating interesting stories that I would easily rank up there with classic The Prisoner or Twilight Zone. Does it make my top rank? Never...I don't think anyone can beat the joy I had with the last episode of Battlestar Galactica or even Buffy which both made me tear up. But in the scheme of tv serial storytelling Lost accomplishes quite a bit without giving us a Dallas ending. Just imagine how you would feel if it was all a dream...

Bravo gents...now on to Fringe and Breaking Bad...my last two good shows I'm enjoying right now. And no I won't watch Glee. I'm taking a stand. :)

J...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Expertise is in the Eye of the Beholder

Before leaving for the evening last night I started a conversation that almost always ends with me angry and frustrated, and saying things I regret. My current state doesn't help because as most of you know I've had a rough week losing someone that was about a close to me as can be. But I digress, the issue is what qualifies as good in modern media.

I live with a couple guys who most of their friends are avid gamers. And while they praise all things gaming it is mostly completely lost on me. Occasionally a game will come along that will rock my world but for the most part it is all kinda behind me now. I hate to say it is that I've matured because it implies I'm at a level higher than my friends and that is not my purpose. But with last nights conversation it is clear that I hold my opinion much higher than any other person in the world. This is especially true when it comes to three things: comics, movies, and music.

I'll start with the last one first: music. I've played music, studied music theory, played in bands of all types, recorded musicians, and wrote. All these things I think give me a grasp on what it takes to make really good music (I say this as I'm listening to Def Leppard...I know). Currently my tastes tend to favor hip hop (REAL hip hop), indie rock like Death Cab for Cutie and Animal Collective, and on the rarest of occasions some hard rock/metal. In between that I listen to a lot. Miles Davis, The Marz Volta, Imogen Heap, Brad Paisley, Pink Floyd, and a ton of other stuff rattle around in my playlist as I like to think I'm a pretty well rounded person in my musical experience. It is in this that I find the problem. When people who have never experienced playing an instrument let alone set through years of classes and discussions on the subject, and poured over tomes of information like a spastic addict I can't help but hold myself at the level of, "I absolutely know more about what makes good music than you do."

This is especially true when their reasoning for why only one limited genre makes the grade: it is good because it sounds good. So much talent is lost in that pool. Music that simply is esthetically pleasing is often flat and devoid of the exact thing they chose to argue with me on; art. The thought that only music that is esthetically pleasing to the ear can be art leaves out so many bands that have more talent in one pinky than the greater collection of Top 20 radio and most current pop collectives. I will never and can never admit that anyone who has ever appeared on a WWE soundtrack, did the soundtrack to a Rob Cohen film, or is on the playlist of a Vin Diesel or other neanderthal can ever be more than just ear candy for the masses. There are so many criteria and I know the above is generalizing, but to outright just say something is crap because you can't understand it for its complex beauty is ignorant in my book. I don't find complex beauty in Metallica or Lady Gaga. Instead I find music that sounds the same or similar from song to song and is made strictly to sell mass quantities. That music to me has little more value than boxed macaroni and cheese.

Then there are movies. I will hands down admit that I like some odd movies. But you can't look at my top 1o list of greatest all time films or have a serious indepth conversation about the minutia of filmmaking and not know that I know my way around what makes outstanding filmmaking. When I have people that include (sorry for picking on the Rob Cohen) Fast and the Furious in their list of top movies to watch I have to say hands down that I have more clout. When you can't also understand how an industry I loves often butchers art and storytelling in a means to again increase their profit margin then I just can't get behind you shaky at best expertise on the issue. Movies like Wolverine Origins, V for Vendetta, and most things M Night Shamalamadingdong have done since Signs just can't make the cut as you have potential for good storytelling and interesting premises that in the end fall flat because of a fearful heavy handed film industry that has lost track of what it is all about: art.

Films even come by today that make this cut of what could be great but end up losing their flair in filling seats rather than sticking to their guns and telling the story they are meant to tell. And really film is where the ultimate argument lies as there is honestly very little art in the geekcred cult traipsings or cineplex blockbusters. There are exceptions to this but they are so few they are barely worth mentioning. I can pick two or three films a year that make that "must see" list that every time leave me shaking my head and wondering if often times it is more about this status of agreement than actually making a informed decision about what you are viewing on the screen. In all, I guess it just goes back to another saying that was thrown around a lot last night: art is in the eye of the beholder.

And lastly...comics. These gentlemen I live with I have mentioned before are a bunch of tough nuts to crack. There seems to be a block that infuriates me and that block is "comics are for kids". This seems to be the very thing that keeps these guys from recognizing that comics have evolved from simply a pre-teen/teen male ego fantasy with aspirations at modern mythology (thanks Alex Ross) into something that has examples of storytelling from all genres that touch on all personality and preference types. To lump a complete medium into the trash bin based on a few limited experiences is both short sited and just plain dumb. I will be the first to understand that there isn't a huge love for superhero books even though for some reason the same people love the movies for which they are based on. Superhero books aren't realistic and aren't meant to be.

Superheroes have represented a myriad of ideas over their history though. From their humble beginnings as male power fantasies being created by the fathers of "funny books" like Bill Finger, Stan Lee, Bob Kane, and the team of Seigel and Schuster things have drastically grown even in this small area of graphic print. Where superheroes are concerned though they mostly still tend to follow the trappings of individual/team find world level threat and pound it into submission while ignoring scientific and mathematic principles. I can see why that would roll some eyes. My reasoning for reading these really comes from a very very personal place that may one day be the subject of another blog entry. That being said though I can definitely understand the distaste for this kind of storytelling in general. Not always but generally it can be over simplistic and juvenile. But to then write off the entirety of the genre because of your limited sampling...well there is that ignorant word again.

Comics are so much more than superheroes these days, and really from their very beginnings have been. People know Superman, Batman, X-Men, and Iron Man but most don't know that many stories have been told of many different types in this form. The Spirit by Will Eisner is greatly unknown besides a horrible movie version by Frank Miller that butchered the character. The Spirit has inspired so many modern crime novelists and pulp storytellers for which without we might never have had Sin City or 100 Bullets (both comics). Maus by Art Spiegleman remains one of the most acclaimed works on the Holocaust ever written and something I would easily hold up against a Schindler's List or its like. The fact is that generalizing when it comes to graphic storytelling is a very American thing. Comics around the world celebrate a vibrant history that doesn't suffer from the limited scope of vision that we suffer from in this country. And comics like Unknown Soldier, Preacher, Transmetropolitan, and Scalped (all from the outstanding Vertigo imprint at DC Comics) work as complex tales that serve as a sharing of the authors ideology but also work as great pieces of social commentary while dealing with very adult themes. Again, don't just lump in everything into one group because of your limited understanding. That just makes you look stupid.

I do like some action movies and stoner comedies. There is some metal that I simply cannot imagine not listening to. And even when it comes to comics, I know Marvel and DC history like a planned tactician on the battlefield. I will be the first to admit that not everything I like is perfect. But I will soundly stand on the fact that my expertise in these areas (which to most of you I'm sure means nothing) is never to be denied. I've studied and ingested more content and information in these 3 areas and in a few others than generally anyone I know. You can have your video and board games. I don't understand it but I do get it from a strictly "this is the thing I love" standpoint. Just don't dismiss me as some soap box spouting ingest-er of media. I know media. I know its art. I know the complexity of what it can be. In that I get little reward but it is the one thing I have that is a part of me. And to not own this...well...makes me little more than a breathing carbon-based lifeform. I know the sum of me is much greater than that.

Thanks for your time and hope your weekends have been good...

J...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Pathways and Restorations

There is so much going on right now and sleep seems kinda un-necessary. As I start this new phase in my life I can't help but see the same landmines laid at my feet again. Let's start from the beginning though...

About 3 months ago I took an internship with a local video company. I have worked for them on and off as a contractor over the years and one day while I was searching for a job and helping them with a project I just decided to take a chance and see if they would be willing to take me on, train me, and in exchange I would have some small means of paying my bills before I leave at the end of the summer again to help my Uncle with my other job. I figured at first this might be something that would just get me through this year as I've grown quite accustomed to living life on the fly and making plans as I go. Well plans change...sometimes for the better.

Now having worked with them for some time I'm seeing old dreams long dead coming back to life again. There is a chapter in my life that I would rather forget. I'm sure most of you would assume it was the addiction years. That is not the case. It is the church years. Something that should have been used to change me for the better instead tore me down, destroyed me, and left me feeling defensive and alone. During those early years of church work I firmly believe God created vision in me to see some bigger things being done in my life. And not as someone's lackey but as one of the driving forces of something that is bigger than myself. Well through a series of missteps on a lot of people's parts (including myself) those dreams and visions were destroyed and the simple thought of them left me sick to my stomach. I hated those dreams. In many ways it still creates fear and resentment in me that I don't know if it will ever fully be healed. That I can accept.

But a thing changed over the last month and a half. While working my current internship I began to see patterns in my old plans come to light again. At first (and maybe even a little still) I felt I needed to run. This is the path I have taken in the past after all it has never ended well for me. But there is something here in the continued understanding of my employers, the love they give, and the safety I am feeling that is stirring trust in me which is something I rarely give out anymore. It makes my romantic relationships nearly impossible, insures that I will always keep friends just away from being fully in the picture, and the few times I have ventured out over the last 7 years I've nearly always regretted it. This is not the case this time.

Over this last bit of time I now find myself with the prospect of a real adult job with real adult benefits and real adult responsibilities. Trust again is reciprocated as I feel not only am I giving my trust more freely to Matt and Jo, but I'm also but they are giving their trust to me in really what is their life. The thought of being treated as a man, something that most employers I've had never have done, is unusual but it is developing in me a pride that I've never really had. And with all of this...I'm doing what I love again. My days are spent in joy working with media which is where I always knew I needed to be. I take to it like I was born into this. Sure I'm still an intern and learning, but with mutual respect, patience, and the (here's that word again) trusts I'm building I can see a bright future here.

The best part is I know I can be proud of the work I am doing. There have been other jobs where I was proud of my work, but it seemed at every turn there was someone to shit all over it or make me feel like I wasn't worth what I thought I was. This shakey balance does give me hope that one day I will be able to not carry my life's hurts as a banner, but instead live as I've learned from them and treat them as constructive tools to better do my job. In the short time I have worked with Pinnacle Media (the company I work for does have a name) I've worked on videos for large Christian schools, OSU appreciation pieces, honoree work for some of the beacons our community, and at least a dozen others that I know make a difference. In all I can say God didn't let me down even if the world may have.

So with my future bright and shining of course these last few weeks have sent me some curve balls. Anger has always been something I've battled with. I don't like being an angry person. It is a trait I inherited from my Dad who got it from his who I'm sure got it from his. This has only been exacerbated by the loss of someone I loved dearly at the beginning of the week. I'm finding my fuse growing shorter and shorter, and it is creating yet another vision of my nature that I don't think truly exemplifies the nature of my heart. I really am a soft guy at heart. Shy to a fault. And at 32 I'm realizing that is okay. There is a goodness and kindness that brings that about. It is trying to balance the nature of what I am and the nature of what I've created myself to be.

Finding footing in this crazy time of sweeping change is a must. I'm setting up plans and goals to work towards. It is looking like in two years I'll be completely debt free (I'm sure you would like to know this information Sally Mae) and am already talking about doing something I haven't ever done in my adult life: setting roots in one place and committing to it. For all the ill I say against Bend it is the place I've met most of the really outstanding people I've had in my life at different times. My core group of friends (which is ever expanding) is a product of Bend. My connections and networking world exist in the Central Oregon community of Bend. Some of the women I have loved the most in my life I have met right here. And most importantly, I've met friends that have led me to a job and a future that just doesn't benefit me, but I think really is my chance to do what I've always wanted to do and give back to the community from my gifts.

I have one caveat in all of this is my loss this week. I apologize for any hurtful words or actions that may occur in the near future. The loss of Heather in a lot of ways took the wind out of my sails. This was a girl, as those who knew me during the time we were dating, that I really thought could have been the one. I've never had someone so unabashedly show their love for me. It coaxed out a freedom in love from me that was more pure and sincere then I have ever experienced in my life. With her gone I'm not sure what to do with the beautiful thing her and I started to build together and never finished. There are the immature ideas for sure, but when it comes down to it I have to in this time find a healthy release for an energy that is not wrong, just misdirected in a place where it can find no hold.

In this life we must rejoice for our wins and mend the wounds for the battles we've lost. We have to take that time for ourselves. I think I'm getting better at that. Maybe one day that will bring love back home. For now I am proud to say I'm a man with some incredible people surrounding me and a bright future doing the mission of what my hands were meant to do. Have a great weekend all.

J...

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I write this as I'm quaking. So much emotion going on right now that this is all I know how to deal with. Forgive me as I won't be happy and I don't want cheering up. I want to linger in this for a while because it is the last thing she gave me...

* * * * * * * *

My Little One...

I'm shaken today by the knowledge the you and I don't share the same sky anymore. That there will be no more talks till the sun comes up. No more horse rides on the beach or chances to hold you in my arms that now grow weakened by this fact. The removal of you means trying to remember the little things that made our lives special.

I can remember having to say goodbye. Having shirts I had shared (that were always more like dresses to you) that I never wanted to wash for fear of losing your smell. A smell that still lingers in my mind like sweet spring on the breeze. But it was that goodbye that was the hardest. And it is right now that I wish I could have told you these things before we had let it go too far. I don't know if I'll ever be able to not look back.

With that what you get is some simple words I wish I could have said to your face: I will always love you. Not as a friend though there were times you were the best one of those I could have had. Not as a Christian though I do wish I could have shared the love of Jesus with you more. It is a love that will always writhe but never be free for there isn't a destination for it to go. Just an empty shell of what once was the most miraculous vision I've ever beheld. You were my miracle in life.

Thanks for letting me be a little boy around you...and for being safe enough to be a little girl around me. Together we could get so small because it was in each others company we found safety from past regrets, bad dreams, and the demons we could not escape. It started as just four walls but in those moments I felt we had the whole world. You broke that barrier in my vision that only allowed me to see myself as a monster. You showed me the littlest of things that resided in me...an innocence I don't think I'll ever own again.

And the one thing I could never tell you enough: you were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Sure you heard me say the words but actions never quite matched it. And I could sit here and think about the has beens and the might have beens but the fact is all I can give in my life is words. Not ever been very good for much else. You were and are so beautiful though. Every time you entered the room my heart was near to burst. It was a feeling so intense that I was glad to give it to only you because I don't think I could handle anymore.

So I take with me our first dance...our first kiss...the giddy moments and forgetfulness that came with two entwined souls that have lost their chance to "get old a prune-y together". I will still always picture the porch swing. I still long for your silly purple couches and moments where we could just hold hands, look at each other, and know that in the second the rest of the world had fallen away. I pray for you today. That my words had some affect and that you will be waiting for me when I come your way. There is a porch swing in Heaven and it has our names on it.

And there was always the question...

Your Heart...Your Angel

J...

* * * * * * * *

I ask that if you read this you don't respond. I wrote this because I want everyone to know how beautiful my friend Heather was. I wish the world could have told her that more. If you take one thing from this let it be this: don't miss a chance to tell the people in your life how amazing they are, and show it. You may have love in your life but it takes so little to snatch that away. If I ever know half the love I knew Heather with another person I will be the luckiest man in the world. Love like that only happens once in a lifetime.

J...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Random Geekisms

Yep...I've been angry. Like I was when I was younger and listened to horrible music. Like when I was going through that stage of frustration trying to find who I am...we're talking 20-23. And well...I don't like it on me.

* * * * * * *

Something I've been meaning on getting to for a while: Lost.

I've loved this show. I've dedicated hour upon hour to memorizing every little nuance of the show. I combed over the characters, the branching story lines, and the references made in almost every minute detail of the show. And now that we are on the cusp of the end of this great series I can only say one thing. What the Hell are you guys thinking?

These last few episodes have been a huge let down. After promises of a "bible" and big pay off everything seems a bit contrived and as if there will be no comfortable ending to this show after all. I don't know why I expected any different. Season upon season of character and crew changes were bound to blow up in their face. You can't balance that many threads over that much time and have things end cleanly. So now...I just want it to end.

* * * * * * *

Comics: This is clearly a geek edition.

Bravo Marvel! Boo DC! Heroic Age has been outrageously entertaining and is returning to something I've sorely missed in my comics. There was a time where everything Marvel touched seemed to have this ancient mythological feel to it. Then...the Bendis years. Don't get me wrong. Brian Micheal Bendis is an outstanding writer. His Daredevil and Ultimate Spider-Man remain some of my favorite super hero works, and his pre-Marvel stuff just screams talent. But what Bendis brought was street level heroes. No more sense of awe. Just the vicarious living of a geek. That has never been what the medium has been about for me.

Well with the start of Heroic Age Marvel has already delivered a more intriguing cohesive universe. From the outset with Avengers Finale we get some of the biggest stories Marvel has done in some time with a feel of what made the company...well...marvelous. Heroes that feel like something to strive for. But then there is DC...

Dear DC...why does your universe feel like a constant cluster fuck over the last 3 years? Oh...right...Dan DiDio. Despite having some of the best titles on the market (Batman and Robin, R.E.B.E.L.S., Green Lantern. etc.) yet again we are being choked out with the heavy hand of editorial. I've never understood the editorial function in comics. It seems like somewhere along the line a bunch of liberal arts majors that wanted to write but don't have the talent decided the way they can get their justification is by ruining the work of the truly talented. I won't go on as I've covered this before but most of what DC is putting out is simply unreadable.

Most...Vertigo is still a beacon of all things that make graphic storytelling great. American Vampire, IZombie, DMZ, Sweet Tooth...the list goes on. Vertigo really sets a standard that is unmatched. Vertigo is the imprint that I hand people when I want to introduce them to why I love comics. Spider Jerusalem and Jesse Custer have become the oil that greases the wheels. Hear me Marvel? Hear me D...wait...DC owns Vertigo. Hmmm? Apparently someone lost the memo on what makes good comics. Just stop turning these titles into shitty action movies...wait...that is another blog.

Have a great day all. I have a shower with my name on it.

J...

Friday, May 14, 2010

What's Art and What's Not

I've been silent for some time. Sick, new job, and the things that life tends to add just keep getting in the way but there has been something percolating. This is short and to the point as I think I let it percolate too much: graffiti art.

A little while back I admonished an acquaintance for not understanding that art can be found where you least expect it. By giving people a place as a public outlet (public lands, government buildings, privately owned buildings, etc.) maybe we could work with "street artists" to help beautify run down areas and those with low esthetic value. In theory this is a good idea and many countries have put similar programs to work doing just that and it has done amazing things. That is however not the purpose of those. It is kinda more of an admitting I was wrong...in some aspects.

After wandering around town for the last few weeks I've noticed the growing trend of tagging on nearly every clean surface available. These tags, crude spray paint blobs that could never be called art, are an eye sore and is not done in the sense of the tradition but strictly because some young people have nothing better to do then deface people's personal property. There is a respect and art to good tagging. "Bombing" adds something while giving an outlet for teens and adults to express themselves. The ones I'm seeing however are clearly the lashing out of no-skill hacks that I will gladly turn in if I ever see them doing such.

So in the end...it takes one to ruin the bunch. This is one of those times I gladly cheer on local authorities to put these hoodlums away. I like the beauty of Bend...one of the few nice things here that is free...and you "kids" are clearly just a nuisance that needs to be nipped in the bud. If you want to improve your skills and try again then by all means...do it in your parent's garage.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Nanny Freakin' Boo Boo Apple :P

I think what is at issue here has more to do with this very Windows mentality that the majority of the computer field holds: if it is broke then we'll figure out the work around while the end user suffers. Apple has and will always be a company that strives to fix their issues before sending it out for consumer use. If more tech companies, Adobe included, spent more time in testing their products then they could gladly say anything they want. Instead they resort to responding to Apple like a bunch of spoiled children. I've used Adobe products for ages as a graphic designer and videographer and what I can say is they are the reason I use Apple products. Premiere has and will probably always be too buggy for professional grade video production. Oh...and just because something is the standard doesn't mean the standard is right. Slavery at one time was the standard. Prohibition of alcohol was at one time the standard. Just like those things, sometimes we need to embrace the future and find a better way. What we need to be doing instead is researching all our options, choosing the best one, and moving on to the better one when it comes along. Right now...html5 is looking mighty good.

J...

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Gun Shy

I've lived the last 14 years of my life working in some creative field of another. It is work I really enjoy even if I don't really understand anything I do. I just perform and the work happens. So recently I've found myself employed as a partial pay intern for Pinnacle Media here in Bend, and I have to say (while apprehensive at times) it feels like home.

Matt and Jo Ann Hand are people I've worked with since my days at Westside. Oh the days. I did a little work with them on Waking the Dead and Above the Noise which were both great learning experiences for me and got me involved in something that was much bigger than I am. Since then I've done a couple Men's Summits in Redmond, Ignite Bend, concerts, seminars, and my favorite moment of the year with them: BendFilm. In each experience I've found something odd that doesn't feel comfortable even though I know it is good: respect.

You see, most jobs I've worked before my employers treated me like I was perpetually 16. At 32 I don't have to tell you how humiliating that is. I'm a hard worker with ideas and a willingness to learn yet every time I would work with someone (the church, the school, etc) I was always the kid in the office. Being treated like a man after so many years...well...I think I like it but it is new. Dignity at work is new. Respectful management that values your input and wants to help give you the best in all opportunities is new. I'm sticking around with this for a while.

So why am I writing this? Because if you are a manager think...think good and hard for a moment. How do you treat your employees? I believe there is a direct connect to the quality and quantity of work getting done and the working conditions of which it is done in. Just like a dirty workspace, poor management creates disorder and poor performance.

I could take this down a road about my hatred of many of the principles we learned during the Industrial Revolution but I'll just leave at this...as it was said to me...treat people like you would want to be treated. There is no simpler edict. If you are an ass then expect that in kind. If however you strive for something higher...like being a descent human being...then I can assure you sunny skies are ahead. This isn't a cure all but it is just good living.

In a time when everyone is hurting do you really want to be the person that is known for making things worse?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

And in this week...

Profound things I've thought about week:

1. People smell. Not in the olfactory sense of smell like using ones nose. They have a scent that can be quite off putting. And I don't just mean body odor. There are some unidentifiable smells that can only be found on public transit that I'm perhaps glad I don't know the answer to. I ride the bus nearly every day here and have to say wow. And I could just be being picky as I shower sometimes twice a day and when I do...even once...I have product. Lots of shower product. I like to smell clean and hopefully people around me like it too.

2. Just when you think you've got things figured out something comes in and shakes down your fragile house of cards. Case in point, I've been trying to figure out a relationship I've had for some time and why it is always so odd. Things go hot and heavy forever, and then suddenly nothing. I'm left wondering if the person is okay, if I've done something, and in the end if I need to just write this person off because these patterns are just not normal. Lately writing people off has become easier but for some reason this one just won't let me do it.

3. Have you ever just wanted to punch someone? I mean not someone you're even angry at? Like there is so much to be angry at in the world that you want to find one annoying person, put all that baggage onto them, and then wale on them until you see the white meat? I think maybe I'm a little psychotic. LOL Not really. Even with yoga though I'm finding the more I work out the more angry and cocky I get.

I've met some beautiful people this week, got a chance to tell a guy who rides the bus what a great dad he is which made him cry, and heard some interesting thoughts that are bouncing around in my noggin as we speak. I've edited a promotional piece for a fantastic local organization that helps children and low income families which is always satisfying. And...how could I forget Lucy...our new office dog. She is the happiest little chunk of a dog ever, and you just have to love her. Well that is all really...enjoy your weekend folks. Mine started early.

J...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Today is 4:20...So?

Some of you have some inside information about me and so this will make more sense. Others just play along and nod at all the appropriate breaks. Today was a national holiday of sorts. For those brain dead that wreak of pottoulie this day is like a coming of age every year that makes those of us that imbibe on occasion look like a bunch of assholes. Firstly I want to thank you all for that. And now for the reasons I think 4:20 is dumb.

1) You can get stoned any day of the week. I understand that stoners much like drunks like to have the excuse the do that which they do every day just to make themselves feel better. The point is is it really different than any other day? You still wake up to 12 bowls of half eaten cereal on your floor and a love for all things Phish and Widespread Panic. You still gladly think the hippie stink you hose yourself with is sufficient enough to make people not upset that you don't shower (it doesn't work).

2) Did you know it is also Hitler's birthday? What a better way to say "Hey I want to rock the ganj and chill" than to celebrate a holiday for the green on the day one of the most hated historical figures was born. I know to me nothing says lets blaze one like the murder of between 11 and 17 million Jews. A weed holiday for me always seems more like something in the dead of winter. When you can't leave the house and have to get creative with the condiments and that last can of peas you have in the cupboard. Now that says ganja to me.

3) Let's bring attention to something that some of us would like to find some legitimacy to. Honestly folks. With legalization at a closer realization than ever before in history why should people be giving fuel to the pro-prohibition rhetoric? Much like the Tea Party folks don't like to be associated with inbred hicks, some of us like to distance ourselves from this image of the deshiveled idiot. It is distancing ourselves from this walking cliche that opens up valid conversation when it comes to this small but vocal group.

I've probably given away a bit about myself, but I can't abide by this image. I'm not a stoner...really I'm not...but I've been known to imbibe and I most certainly have my opinions when it comes to things of this matter. So maybe next year I'll start my own unholiday...some sort of anti-420 where the smokers of the world lay down their pipes and pick up a news paper or read a blog or do something other than just smoke and take up space. Maybe you could join a protest or write an editorial for your local paper. Just please avoid phrases like "you know" and "like". This seems more and more like a war lately, and one for the right reasons I'm willing to rage...

J...

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Honesty

The following is not written out of anger but more a glimpse into the inner workings of my mind. I'll take any emotional responses to this with a grain of salt assuredly. But before we get to the meat I have to do this...

WARNING: Contains content sure to offend, so if easily offended avert your eyes now.

There. That is out of the way. This has been bugging me for quite some time now. I keep hearing phrases like, "You've changed so much." or "You've gotten so jaded." I want to bring to light the fact that most of you all didn't know me between 18 and 25. There are many of you that didn't even KNOW me even though we've known of each other since I was a wee lad. And I would still venture to say that no one really knows me. Friends who have gotten close enough know of these luxurious walls I've constructed because this is my true feelings about humanity: I can trust no one but myself. Yes...even my friends and family.

Now let's not get confused. I didn't say love...I said trust. And certainly there has to be some trust to have love exist. I can agree with that. So those that I've said I love I do so generously based on the moment in time you've proved to me that a semblance of trust has been earned. You have proven to me that I can give you some trust, just not complete trust. I trust no one wholeheartedly because I KNOW at the core people are naturally after what is most beneficial to themselves. It isn't a fault. It is simply in our nature. The primal needs of the beast that resides in any of us will nearly always win out even if it is just from the standpoint of a yearning and a longing. The truth is we can't not at least desire happiness, wealth, companionship, etc. It is just the way we are built. I've said this makes us evil but I've come to realize natural instinct can be no more good or bad then can a sunset or the oxygen we inhale. These things are incapable of being anything more then just nature.

But back on point. What I want this to be more than anything is not a self-serving diatribe but more of a statement answering questions that I'm sure all of you have and are too scared to ask. This is me. Simple as that. I've talked in previous letters about my messy life. This is not a new occurence but is really just me and how I deal with life the best I can with the tools I've been given. For years I wore a facade. I tried to mold my life in a sheepish way of sugary kindness and what I've found is that instead of staying in the field I've always belonged to the pack. I was a wolf in sheep's clothing. Again...neither evil or good...just doing what comes best in my nature. The thing I learned in trying to live life like the other half is that: 1. I don't know how you all keep up the fake smiles and allow the worries of the world to just pass on by, and 2. I'm not and never will be (gladly I might add) part of that other half.

I've done a lot in life. I've fucked off for a good portion of my adult life and can't deny that I've enjoyed quite a bit of it. The underlying theme I've realized in all of this is that the reason I'm not good at "normal" is because the normal we all prescribe to is part of a cookie cutter existence that I'm never going to be a part of. And I don't want to be. Never fool yourselves in reading this thinking that this is an outcry of a hurt heart or "Jack's off his meds again." This is said clearly and with a continued joy in my heart that I don't live a lie anymore.

So what was a lie? Westside was a lie. Leadership was a lie. So much of that life was a lie. It was me constantly racing against the horses while never leaving the starting gate. It was pain and anguish and frustration and sacrifice for what in the end amounted to a few good moments, a painful recovery, and the realization that people outside in the "ugly world" are just as ugly within the walls of an institution. Some so ugly in fact that my choices came down to survival which ultimately led to fight/flight reactions. And since I don't really want anyone dead I decided flight was my best option.

Now finally after 3 years I'm reconnected and doing great. I have a job I love. I have good friends that I'm sharing this trip called life with. Some of my relationships have faltered but in the end life is too short for me to worry about that. People come and go. If you've decided to go then don't expect me to come running heart broke. This is just a station in life's journey and I'm on the express train. My life simple amounts to this:

1. I could care less about video games, comics, movies, and tv. Really. I know that some of you read posts about these very things but I've grown enough to know that I can't let these items of fantasy define me like they have for so many years. I write my own dictionary. Defining my life with fantasy and drama only detracts from things I should be doing: experiencing, learning, and growing. It is all entertainment and in its place I'm glad to have it. But without balance (which most of my life has been without) I simply am a shallow person with nothing to say.

2. If you bring drama into my life or simply look to get a reaction out of me then you are barking up the wrong fucking tree. This goes especially to some of you women in my life. I've been an emotional yoyo all in the means of attaining relationship and companionship and just a little appreciation. The big mistake in that is it leads to a search for validation from other people. I don't need or want your validation. Save that for the tourists.

3. I live to experience and enjoy and grow through each experience. That means "rules" don't really work in my ideology. I do believe in a deity as stated in my last post. I love Christ with all my heart and really if I'm honest I always have even before church. Experience is really the only reason we are here though. I told a friend recently that the reason I've made a choice in my life is, "...it takes the training wheels off my life." I want that wall to continue to be torn down and if it is "safe" then chances are I don't want anything to do with it.

4. If you have a beef with me say it! I won't hit you I promise. :) Well...I guess I can't promise that but I'll try not to. I value simply what the title of this post is and will give it in turn if I feel it has been received: honesty. If you can't be honest with me then I don't have time for you. Don't bother. If you can't accept honesty from me then again...be gone. I can say since my leave during the summer I've done my best to be honest with you all. If you feel I haven't then lets talk. But I won't abide someone that can look me square in the face and feed me a pack of lies. I read it well. I can call bullshit. That is why a couple people in my life are gone. I have no time for you. Fucking grow up.

Whew...I think I'll leave it at that. I still want to kick it if you're down. That means hang out for anyone that isn't getting what I'm saying. ;) Despite these changes I find I'm still the same fun loving big guy I've always been. Maybe a little more bear then teddy now, but in part I'm making up for a lot of time that these teeth have been muzzled and my claws sheathed. Everyone needs a release and I'm letting out a lot more than keeping in. If this becomes the end of our journey then I hope it has been fun but this is just me: crazy politico, Socialist, neuvo intellectual, writer, artist, and definitely separated from the modern bourgeoisie movement. This has been a lot but I've had a lot to say. I always have a lot to say.

J...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Faith Ain't What It Used to Be

Given the fairly even keel I've found my life in recently it only makes sense that something would be on my mind. Faith has been a huge issue for me lately. My faith has not waned. God and I still converse and it is very real and pleasant. It is the only relationship I have that I can really count on at this point in my life. The greater issue is labeling my faith. I prescribe to the Biblical God or judeo-christianity. Life is still ruled by the book and my understanding of God in my own life. But being away from the church has allowed me to experience so much that I struggle to lump myself in with so many that do so much hurt in the name of God.

For every Brennan Manning, Donald Miller, or CS Lewis it seems I have to take the Tea Partiers, Focus on the Family, and Pat Robertson and his heartless 700 Club. It is mind boggling not just from an ethical standpoint but from an intellectual standpoint as well that such great men can represent a pure faith with love, grace, and healing to be followed by so many that spew ignorance, lies, and hatred all in the name of God. The God I know loves me for me...faults and all. I don't see that God in the actions of so many people that are in the spotlight and represent my faith. And what I do see makes me sick.

I've grown in this time to tell people I'm a spiritual person with a love for Jesus Christ not because I'm ashamed of God, but because I'm ashamed of a label. And I know. So many of you right now are chomping at the bit to go on the attack and ask me why I'm so perfect. I'm not perfect. I've never been happier to be a failure because I know that when I face God the words from his mouth will be just as if we never stopped talking. It will be just as if we continued right from where we left off. I welcome God in my messy life. And I know he may not always be glad it is so messy but I know he is glad to be there.

The real issue here is ignorance and hatred. It is one thing if you are one of the hundreds of millions of peon Christians that don't have an international spotlight. It is completely something else when your faith links you to the bile spewed in the name of political grandstanding. It is completely something else when you use your national pulpit to preach against "faggots" or "drug addicts" or anything that isn't conservative and Republican. Last I checked God is a big fan of variety. He is also huge in the areas of grace and forgiveness. I'm not attempting to attack any of my near and dear friends here but ask yourself what you represent? Is it something you can be proud of? Is it something that God made you to be?

I don't get on the "faith" kick often but this has been plaguing me recently. To the extent that I've uttered the words, "secular humanism sounds really good right now." But that just isn't reality. Believe or not, I know my faith is as much an ingrained part of me as the air I breathe. I just hope there is one day I can live it fully without the shame I live in because being associated with a group makes me look just as bad as them.

J...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Stop Before the Moment Moves On

I'm finding so much joy lately in all the choices life has given me that I have to ask the inevitable question: am I taking it all on too fast? There is something to be said for those that slow life down to ingest it in little moments and the value that comes from the sharing. This week has moved me back into that role of the fast paced life that I grew to hate while I was here last time, and in the end it all comes down to me putting on the breaks myself.

That being said there have been plenty of moments to reflect on faith over these last few days and I've done little else. It seems that every where I turn there is some new challenge to the complexity of my faith walk, and instead of running in fear like I have in the past I've allowed these moments to really begin to search out in me where my understanding of myself and my reasonings are enough to justify why I believe the way I do. Lots of talk...lots of thought...great new foundations.

It is on that note I cut this short as I must get some sleep. Back the the regular in the morning: work out, yoga, and then off to work depending on how bad Bend weather decides to be. Drive safely all and have a great week...

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Truthiness?! Huh?

It is clear that men suffers from a disease called vagina blindness. I don't think this can be argued. There is just some woman in this world that no matter how smooth the man, the thought of being in close proximity to her vagina makes you blind to all of the stupid shit she is making you do. We've all been there. Try and argue guys. If you are not castrated or live a vow of celibacy you will fall into this debilitating disease. It claims millions of men a year in one form or another. This one is simple to diagnose.

The one that perplexes me is the opposite side of the coin...and sadly though I rack my brain I can't come up with a name for it. This one involves you ladies. It is a fundamental discrepancy in the natural order of things. The closest I can come to a name for it is truth blindness. There are these distinct moments in all of your lives where a guy (no matter how apparent his game is) can get you to believe anything, and you gladly give in to his whiles no matter how much hurt or consequence will come of it. Time and time again I've seen you ladies fall for the dashing words of some young Turk, dashed upon the rocks you once thought was the port of your dreams only to realize too late it was shallow coral infested waters.

The reason I write this is I'm frustrated. I've seen far too many friends fall victim to guys that were all talk but no walk. Any man can skill himself in the ability to hash out some sugar-coated plan to get in your pants, but the thing that amazes me is that no matter how smart you are you all fall for it. I've been standing there watching it happen and just shaking my head that you buy half the stuff that is coming out of their mouths. And I've been there in the aftermath when all you are left with is a pain filled husk confused as to how you got to place you did.

It can't only be the attention. I love attention...thrive on it even...but can say that I've never allowed the attention of someone from the opposite sex to completely void myself of all reason and blindly believe a lie that is being told right to my face. Is it a desperation that lies in you that you are willing to except any foolish notion in the hopes of not being alone? That is sad and can't help but make me feel that way too many young women are just settling instead of being true to themselves and their honest desires. More than likely this will be something that I will never have an answer to.

Hell...even I've done it (though not anymore...I try to be respectful)...feign a little interest in a woman's dreams, her thoughts, or her aspirations and sprinkle in a healthy dose of concern or empathy and you have them eating out of your hand. Can it really be that easy? Can you really be that blind to not understand what is happening? The only thing I can say is it must be true because I have never seen anything to prove to me otherwise. Is it any wonder women feel taken for granted and thrown away in life? Maybe if they put a little effort into realizing the power and strength you have you could avoid disappointment and heartache when in comes to your man.

I'm not deluded enough to believe that we will ever avoid heartache completely...but some things are just stupid. This to me is the biggest one. It is like I always say...it is too bad you can't teach a person common sense. It is lacking in humanity.

J...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Random Thoughts from the Asylum

This week I trampled. Thinking I'm not liking that. It surely isn't in tune with the bi-line for the new and improved Jack. It is really hard because I tend to get tunnel vision when it comes to politics and leave a lot of bodies in my wake when I least expect it. Here I espouse a message of tolerance and humane behavior but don't even live by my own rules. Got to work on that one...

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Overall, this week has been great. It is interesting listening to people and what they think. Some leave me shrugging of how you can make these kinds of jump in logic while others have you hanging there in the moment breathing in words of wisdom from a place least expected. Surprisingly my one vestige of finding these people seems to be in public transit. There is an incredible amount of street prophets and wisened individuals all too keen on sharing their outlook and all you have to do is look beyond an unshaved face and the smell of too long with a shower. It is in their eyes which then flows out through their words. Glad I'm in a place I can slow down enough to take in and enjoy these fractions of my day.

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Finally saw Crazy Heart this week and can see why Jeff Bridges won the Oscar though one has to wonder: why hasn't this happened before? The man has quite the resume. The Fisher King, The Big Lebowski, Men Who Stare At Goats, and Tucker were all outstanding films. But I guess it is okay to be happy in the "better late then never". He certainly deserves every award he gets. The man is an icon of an actor.

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Being a music man it always surprises people what I haven't heard. This week I added The Arcade Fire to that and have been pleasantly surprised. It reminds of the time I was introduced to My Morning Jacket. Suddenly my mind was awakened to some of the most incredible sounds. It seems like with each new band I take in and like I'm seeing music I've listened to for ages in a whole new way. Classics like Pink Floyd are awakened alive again with a new appreciation I can only see by listening to many bands they have influenced. Current faves and retreads include: EPMD, Pink Floyd, The Arcade Fire, U.N.K.L.E, Chemical Brothers, The Mars Volta.



...this has all been rather random today...maybe that is all I have to say...much love all...

j...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Throw My Head to the Air Screaming, "Why?"

It has been finally this month that I have embraced two truths: 1) The whole of government has failed me and the American public. What once was my shining hope in a change of regime has turned to equal parts dissatisfaction and hatred to everything that is currently in place. No longer am I content to let extreme conservatives and their ignorance be the ire for which I stoke the fire. Obama and his gang have joined it as well by taking a stance that is exactly opposite to those of the far right - sitting on their hands and trying to do things "the right way". Bush and his lackeys never did that. They saw what they wanted to pushed, forced, bought, and bullied their way through. The liberals now sit in a similar seat of power but act like a bunch of castrated mongoloids. Grow a pair guys. It is sad when the person that has the most balls in your party is Nancy Pellosi. At least she stands firmly behind what she believes and doesn't mind ruffling feathers.

2) I'm embracing the fact that, like most people that feel they fit in the bohemian intellectual sect, I'm decidedly socialist. I'm not changing. Not wavering in the fact. Not ashamed that I feel socialism is the political standing that is most in tune with compassion, humane behavior, and intelligence. Where socialism fails is purely from a stance of those in charge losing sight of what is important. Socialism is nearly impossible in a free market filled with partisan politics and back alley dealings. I think that is why it fits me so much. I want to distance myself as much as I can from Republicans and Democrats. At their roots they have amazing potential and the ability to accomplish much, but greed and personal agendas make these two parties a cancerous tumor in the guise of a two-sided coin.

My current beef extends to just about every aspect of American culture. It is a crisis of faith in all that composes modern living. I've wondered why I'm not as excited by movies, tv, and other things I used to love so much. Well I think the answer has always been there staring me right in the face. These things don't matter. As I'm fond of saying they are all "opiates for the masses". As long as we can have a celluloid distractions and celebrity gossip we are content to live within the confines of our own four walls protected from an ambiguous ethical reality that exists right outside our doors.

I can joke (which is surely a coping mechanism for the ugliness of our world) but the fact is I'm hearing the broken. I'm speaking to the woman who stands behind a plastic sheet of Plexiglass so some pervert can ogle her. I'm speaking to the father that has to make the decision of who in his family gets to go to the doctor this year because he can't afford health insurance and the many other medical costs that continue to climb in this nation. I'm speaking to the youth that didn't have the luxury of seeing things through rose-tinted glasses and was robbed of his/her innocence before they ever had a choice. Lastly I'm speaking of the billions around the world which get our table scraps so we can sleep soundly every night. We are broken. It is political, spiritual, emotion, and financial bankruptcy that embodies the fat, oblivious nature that makes us so hated around the world.

All I have is an answer that always resides in myself. And believe me or not, this blog comes with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I love that I care. The change in this world starts with me. With the choices I make. Being just as much of the problem this is for me as it is for anybody who actually reads this. My summer changed priorities for me but now it is time to define what that means. Take the chances that are not popular but are healthy for the world around me have to be my function. These moments have always been baby steps in life and that is all I can ask of my reader. Take the baby steps that change you and in turn you might change the world.

Little things change with me daily. I've exercised nearly every day for a month so I'm working of the physical me. I pray and speak to my savior daily so that builds the spiritual me. I'm attempting changes in old thought processes which have been part of me for way to long which changes the ethical, emotional, and intellectual me. In the end I can only hope that you too can find your crutch...your modern medicine...and shirk off its ill affects to see the world for what it truly is: a place full of hope waiting for us to create it. Be the hope in your world.