Okay...
This year is all about being honest. Honest with my feelings. Honest about a lot of different things. Each week I'm going to try and be open and honest here on my blog about at least 3 things I've struggled being honest with a week. This is all more of an experiment in breakthrough than anything. And I'm going to try and not make all these completely serious:
1) I can't get into theater...ESPECIALLY musicals. No need to argue or defend. Like what you want. I however have few exceptions to this rule: Hairspray, Across the Universe, and maybe a couple others (wish they would make Dracula the Musical from Sarah Marshall). Besides that I think singing should be kept to singers and acting to actors. And I know. The societal norm at one point in time was an entertainer that can do all things. But despite exceptions in a few instances I think history has proved it is best to find that one thing you love and do that with all your ability.
2) I HATE going to bars. I spend way too much money for watered down soda (since I can't drink or I'LL DIE which I keep having to remind you people), and nothing annoys me more than drunk people. Even the prospect of a potential hook up is lost on me in these places because honestly most the time I'm so annoyed sex just takes a back seat to not giving a shit and wanting to leave. Part of it could be my upbringing, part of it is admittedly that it pains me to watch certain drunk people because of my past involvement, but the biggest part of it is that most people go to these establishments, spend waaaaaaay too much money to fill themselves on empty calories and poison, and all in the hopes they'll find someone to exchange bodily fluids with or maybe just bury some shame.
Feel free to drink if you want. Even as a chance to be "socially active", the annoyance is so great that the experience is simply painful for me. So each and every time I've ever humored any of you and went to the bar understand it was a sacrifice on my part. It is rarely, if ever, a joy. I think I would rather watch conservatives talk about the war on religion in this country while petting yapping small dogs than go to a bar...two things which are pretty high on my dislike scale. So if you have other plans (I get accused of being simplistic in my planning yet it seems most of y'all can't come up with anything but "The Winchester") like music (and no offense to Wesley and crew but just not my style music there most times and the Horned Hand), art, or even something new I'm all over. I just hate being around drunk people.
3) I'm a nice guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me get to my point. I sometimes say things I don't mean trying to give you (this is directed at any female readers) a compliment which then makes me come off like a complete ass. Truth is I am just like everyone else and have wants and needs, but the majority of the time I really just want the women in my life to have better in their own lives. No agenda. Not trying to get in your pants. I've seen a lot of you make bad choices and get hurt, which hurts be because guess what...if you are my friend I actually value you as a person quite a lot. Just trying to make you feel better if anything because lets be honest...the vast majority of men in this world are shit. They are abusive, insecure, prideful, assholes that would shoot their own mothers in the face to get vagina and/or money.
To the point though...I rarely say what I mean because I have a hard time articulating the nuances of my multifaceted emotions. Often times there are important parts to what I want to say but I get in such a rush or so impatient/scared to say it that I skim over crucial parts. I'm really not an asshat like I sound sometimes. I'm just a simple guy that has been hurt and witnessed a lot of others getting hurt, and I like to do what I can to help. Sometimes that means I try to fix things which I know never works out. I've been yelled at by more women for just trying to be of assistance because somewhere along the line my act was construed as trying to take something away from them or telling them they are weak. Never. Couldn't be further from the truth.
So this one is a short experiment. We'll see if I keep this up. But I'm trying to change. Trying hard. Because what I hear from everyone is that there are things in me that just aren't correct. If that is the case I have no choice but to fight this stuff. And it clearly is an issue because most of you all come back with the same things as issues with me. So hopefully this will help. This is also my attempt at dumping these things in a place that isn't my Facebook status. Either way...read this...don't. I don't care. But if you do you might understand me a lot more. I'm just a simple guy, scared like all y'all, and trying to get some things right so I can finally be content at at least one moment before I shuffle off.
G'night...
Jack
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
This is my lie...
A few weeks ago I posted a rather irate post involving religion, finances, and other things all pointing to the fact that "they were fake". I'm posting a short blog to rectify what was said in my anger and what I mean in my more clear and quiet calm.
I've come to a point in my life where I don't trust most people for good reason. This is especially true with religious folks. I grew up in the church and my family left under persecution of "asking too many questions" when my Father was looking for more clarification on Biblical principles. After getting away from the church and having pretty much given my life over the pursuit of success in my own fashion involving drugs, chaotic living, and other personal abuses I came back to the church hoping to find a welcoming home that would forgive me my sins and let me start a new life. I found instead the same persecution I grew up with only more so as this time I was honestly scared for my life. All this because I chose to stand by a woman I felt was abused by her husband who also happened to be a pastor at the church I worked for.
After leaving the church (the truth is I was all but forced out) I tried to stay true to my teachings having gone through several training programs in order to understand my Bible better. I gave "God" 5 years of my life and instead of seeing any change for the better things only got worse. A woman I loved more than anything killed herself, finances never stabilized no matter how much I fought to find gainful employment, and my health which has been bad most my life only continued on the decline. Many of you who are Christians may be reading this and saying, "Well God never says he will make your life better." I had no other reason to become a Christian than that though. Before "God" I was suicidal, destructive, aimless, and without hope. After "God" things only got worse so why would I stick around for that? If there isn't personal benefit from experience then to me it seems asinine to continue on that path. Education was the final nail in the coffin as classes taken in history, anthropology, and science revealed that most of the teaching I had gotten my whole life was just silly superstition. That there is a logical reason for everything explained in the Bible that is explained mainly on the premise of miracle. I find very little to be in fact miraculous about life at all. We just are. This is it.
Now where is sit in life is this: there is no secret angle that is going to come down and express reason for us to do better at all. Our only hope in life is to find those things we love and do them to the best of our ability, while being certain we are taking care of our own needs. Life isn't anymore about creating a sense of false expectations and dreams but simply living for now. Finding that thing that gets you out of bed every morning, and reminding yourself this is why you do it. And you do it for you. Not a deity. Not because it can make you rich. Not because it might finally get you the girl or any of that nonsense. In some ways I think we are meant to be selfish and that is why I have a lot of walls that have come up over the years that don't allow me to open up and be free to express myself in public. Everyone all along was being selfish and I was attempting to operate on another level. Now I know I am in this for me. And that isn't a "Jack is jaded and look what a prick he is" statement. It is said in the most cold, sterile manner. No emotion involved in it. I'm in it for me.
This last year I had sex for the first time. Some of you may be shocked by that. I waited for a lot of reasons. Personal image issues, the churches lies they teach (we are adults and need to experience, experiment, and understand like adults do), and a lot of rejection. Hell...you want to know the extent of it...I had up to last year had one real girlfriend ever and only kissed her. Yeah...at 33 physical love was something I had yet to experience yet. So while to some this last year I looked like a shallow manwhore the truth is I was finally branching out in the quest to find me. And man did I find a lot out. What I like. What I don't. What sexuality means to me. That I'm not gay (though I could have told you all that before hand). But I had never allowed myself to experience one of the fundamental experiences in life based on a certain set of principles I didn't even believe in anymore. It opened doors I needed opened for a long time. Gave me greater understanding to create learned opinions on things I had only developed over years of scouring books, magazines, and sadly porn to learn. But one can never replace experience with book knowledge, and in a lot of other things I knew that. It was about time I learned it in this too.
I'm opening up because I guess what I want most is people to understand. Understand I know I'm not always emotionally stable, not always the most ready to jump into conversation (especially with certain women who I'll admit still scare me a bit), and not always ready to admit my faults because so many things in life are so raw. One simple act tore off bandages I had in all areas of my life. Taught me that now I know I can get laid there are some fundamental things broken in me that in a lot of ways were broken through religion, poor choices, and an attempt to hold onto what I used to see myself as: a kind hearted individual that was bound to get hurt because of his steadfast commitment to live a life this world is no longer able to foster.
So when you heard me a few weeks back know this: I passionately support each and every one of your right to believe what you want and in who you want. I respectfully ask that you don't send me religiously focused posts as I'm not interested and if I do decide to explore religion again it will be on my own volition and not because of anyone's attempts at fuzzy logic. My life goal is this simply put: while maintaining work enough to pay my bills I want to learn more and more about my two passions. Those passions and I say this totally unapologetically are making electronic music and growing pot (which I might add my growing is the closest I've ever had to a "god" experience in my life). All the while I want to seek to make myself a better person. Make better life choices and try to do what I've wanted to do all along and that is a person that promotes peace in others lives as well as my own. I have 34 years working against me and a lot of false beliefs but I know this path I've set myself on is the only righteous one I will ever find. And it will never be about "god", women, or money again. This is all about me.
One Love All!!!
Jack Goodman
Divine Being
I've come to a point in my life where I don't trust most people for good reason. This is especially true with religious folks. I grew up in the church and my family left under persecution of "asking too many questions" when my Father was looking for more clarification on Biblical principles. After getting away from the church and having pretty much given my life over the pursuit of success in my own fashion involving drugs, chaotic living, and other personal abuses I came back to the church hoping to find a welcoming home that would forgive me my sins and let me start a new life. I found instead the same persecution I grew up with only more so as this time I was honestly scared for my life. All this because I chose to stand by a woman I felt was abused by her husband who also happened to be a pastor at the church I worked for.
After leaving the church (the truth is I was all but forced out) I tried to stay true to my teachings having gone through several training programs in order to understand my Bible better. I gave "God" 5 years of my life and instead of seeing any change for the better things only got worse. A woman I loved more than anything killed herself, finances never stabilized no matter how much I fought to find gainful employment, and my health which has been bad most my life only continued on the decline. Many of you who are Christians may be reading this and saying, "Well God never says he will make your life better." I had no other reason to become a Christian than that though. Before "God" I was suicidal, destructive, aimless, and without hope. After "God" things only got worse so why would I stick around for that? If there isn't personal benefit from experience then to me it seems asinine to continue on that path. Education was the final nail in the coffin as classes taken in history, anthropology, and science revealed that most of the teaching I had gotten my whole life was just silly superstition. That there is a logical reason for everything explained in the Bible that is explained mainly on the premise of miracle. I find very little to be in fact miraculous about life at all. We just are. This is it.
Now where is sit in life is this: there is no secret angle that is going to come down and express reason for us to do better at all. Our only hope in life is to find those things we love and do them to the best of our ability, while being certain we are taking care of our own needs. Life isn't anymore about creating a sense of false expectations and dreams but simply living for now. Finding that thing that gets you out of bed every morning, and reminding yourself this is why you do it. And you do it for you. Not a deity. Not because it can make you rich. Not because it might finally get you the girl or any of that nonsense. In some ways I think we are meant to be selfish and that is why I have a lot of walls that have come up over the years that don't allow me to open up and be free to express myself in public. Everyone all along was being selfish and I was attempting to operate on another level. Now I know I am in this for me. And that isn't a "Jack is jaded and look what a prick he is" statement. It is said in the most cold, sterile manner. No emotion involved in it. I'm in it for me.
This last year I had sex for the first time. Some of you may be shocked by that. I waited for a lot of reasons. Personal image issues, the churches lies they teach (we are adults and need to experience, experiment, and understand like adults do), and a lot of rejection. Hell...you want to know the extent of it...I had up to last year had one real girlfriend ever and only kissed her. Yeah...at 33 physical love was something I had yet to experience yet. So while to some this last year I looked like a shallow manwhore the truth is I was finally branching out in the quest to find me. And man did I find a lot out. What I like. What I don't. What sexuality means to me. That I'm not gay (though I could have told you all that before hand). But I had never allowed myself to experience one of the fundamental experiences in life based on a certain set of principles I didn't even believe in anymore. It opened doors I needed opened for a long time. Gave me greater understanding to create learned opinions on things I had only developed over years of scouring books, magazines, and sadly porn to learn. But one can never replace experience with book knowledge, and in a lot of other things I knew that. It was about time I learned it in this too.
I'm opening up because I guess what I want most is people to understand. Understand I know I'm not always emotionally stable, not always the most ready to jump into conversation (especially with certain women who I'll admit still scare me a bit), and not always ready to admit my faults because so many things in life are so raw. One simple act tore off bandages I had in all areas of my life. Taught me that now I know I can get laid there are some fundamental things broken in me that in a lot of ways were broken through religion, poor choices, and an attempt to hold onto what I used to see myself as: a kind hearted individual that was bound to get hurt because of his steadfast commitment to live a life this world is no longer able to foster.
So when you heard me a few weeks back know this: I passionately support each and every one of your right to believe what you want and in who you want. I respectfully ask that you don't send me religiously focused posts as I'm not interested and if I do decide to explore religion again it will be on my own volition and not because of anyone's attempts at fuzzy logic. My life goal is this simply put: while maintaining work enough to pay my bills I want to learn more and more about my two passions. Those passions and I say this totally unapologetically are making electronic music and growing pot (which I might add my growing is the closest I've ever had to a "god" experience in my life). All the while I want to seek to make myself a better person. Make better life choices and try to do what I've wanted to do all along and that is a person that promotes peace in others lives as well as my own. I have 34 years working against me and a lot of false beliefs but I know this path I've set myself on is the only righteous one I will ever find. And it will never be about "god", women, or money again. This is all about me.
One Love All!!!
Jack Goodman
Divine Being
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