Fragile the frames on which we hang
Purpose sullen all caught in blame
To keep building frame
Upon frame
Upon frame
And know that tomorrow
Was always the same
Another frame
Another pain
Ache deep to the core of me
Was chore for me
In quiet's game
Because for each new frame
Came failure
Sorrow
Bleak and so hollow
Upon a little boy
That just couldn't bear shame
In all weakness understood
That I could never
Would never
Be any good
Because it was all putty and wood
Things to decay
Is my own frame
Love longed and never quite
The equal to pain's respite
Worn torn and bloodied
Muddied and under
This life as a frame
Maybe in its angular composite
A perfect rule...a logic
Could life me up
And I could hold it
Keep it
Never leave it
Yet left me time again
A softness
My own
In this hard world
Call home
Just frame
Upon frame
Upon frame
Picture perfect in its persistence
That this can't simply be it
And if it is so be it
Buried under yet never leave it
My world
My teetering world of frames
Like house of cards
So humbled
Never lift another muscle
Fuck work and all the hustle
Fuck love and all the puzzle
Of this world shaped frame
In learning
And yearning
And pleading
And burning
A core that's always turning
As the dam
As if you give a damn
Is always bursting
Still I held true to my game
Be the preacher
Lover...needer
Empty arms
Are world stealers
But you didn't live to the standard
The placard
The cape
Your hero
Father
Lover
Strength
But in the end
Just another cracked frame
A lost and lonely frame
With nothing inside
And no real name
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Beauty in the Broken
As I begin to move towards starting this next juncture in my life I feel a pressing need to share. To share a lot about my struggle because I'm beginning to realize it is your struggle too.
I was born into your pretty average American family. We weren't perfect but we did what we could with the tools we were given. Growing up a small town boy in a lot of ways I think was a benefit even if I have spent most my life trying to kill that very part of me. But the things about growing up in a small town and the values it instilled in me...honor, courage, honesty, love, togetherness...even if they weren't always there were still things I knew had value and have been core to my life. I look upon being a little boy as being the last truly honest portions of my life where I can say I've been happy.
But as time went on we started adding boxes. Our social interactions become more complex, our relationships appeared to require more of us, and more and more these boxes added up. For me those boxes were my intellect, my drive to excel at understanding, the pursuit of family, a wife, children, the perfect car, house, body...and not disappointing people. At 35 I had what have amounted to my second of major breaks in my life. This is after several nervous breakdowns, therapy, and all the stuff that entails. A complete and utter upheaval of all that I understood and valued happened, and all that I had planned which if most of you knew the truth wasn't really much came crashing down. In this I have learned something though. I have learned that none of us were meant to carry all this. It was never the purpose of life to carry the weight of pain...the wait of shame...the weight of loss and death and destruction. We are only meant to do the best we can with the tools we are given.
In this time I have held the greatest weight of them all...feeling that I am absolutely unworthy. Unworthy of having anyone love me as much as I love them. Unworthy of success in the personal and work life...a life which I continued to sabotage every time I felt I was just getting somewhere. Unworthy of trust, caring. empathy, and help. After all I HAD to be the helper. I had to carry the weight be it one of the love of my life's suicide or the rape of a dear close friend. This culminated in what you all saw as a political/social explosion of hate and anger at a world I really had felt completely gave up and I was the only one that could fix. Where was this love and courage...where was the empathy I would scream. And what had I done that was so wrong that I had to carry the weight of it all on top of cancer, addiction, a blood disorder, and a million other things.
Well I'm trying to just say at this point that I AM WORTHY. Not because of anything I ever did or will do. Not because I got the best grades or slept with only the most beautiful women or that...as dumb as it sounds but you addicts know what I'm talking about...could handle my drugs better than anyone. I am worthy simply because I am. And I am a part of one of the most wonderful and beautiful tapestries ever created: the human race. Sure...some of us hit the mark better than others. I know I've always been hit or miss. But when you look at the overall confluence of events that make this...life...what it is we can't help but just sit back and marvel that it doesn't just all unravel before us. The biggest lie we get ourselves to ever believe is that we are alone and that no one will understand. No matter where you've been or what you've faced we all struggle. For some it is weight, others our job isn't prestigious enough, and for some it is simply that we struggle in our very being. Of that I can ascribe. But the truth is that as soon as we can all just be honest and admit we don't have all the answers, our lives are never going to be perfect, and from that in itself comes a great amount of perfection the happier we will all be. I love you all so much. I really do. All I ask is can we all try to do a little better and admit we all are messy. Thank you...
And me...I just want to be that little boy again...
j
I was born into your pretty average American family. We weren't perfect but we did what we could with the tools we were given. Growing up a small town boy in a lot of ways I think was a benefit even if I have spent most my life trying to kill that very part of me. But the things about growing up in a small town and the values it instilled in me...honor, courage, honesty, love, togetherness...even if they weren't always there were still things I knew had value and have been core to my life. I look upon being a little boy as being the last truly honest portions of my life where I can say I've been happy.
But as time went on we started adding boxes. Our social interactions become more complex, our relationships appeared to require more of us, and more and more these boxes added up. For me those boxes were my intellect, my drive to excel at understanding, the pursuit of family, a wife, children, the perfect car, house, body...and not disappointing people. At 35 I had what have amounted to my second of major breaks in my life. This is after several nervous breakdowns, therapy, and all the stuff that entails. A complete and utter upheaval of all that I understood and valued happened, and all that I had planned which if most of you knew the truth wasn't really much came crashing down. In this I have learned something though. I have learned that none of us were meant to carry all this. It was never the purpose of life to carry the weight of pain...the wait of shame...the weight of loss and death and destruction. We are only meant to do the best we can with the tools we are given.
In this time I have held the greatest weight of them all...feeling that I am absolutely unworthy. Unworthy of having anyone love me as much as I love them. Unworthy of success in the personal and work life...a life which I continued to sabotage every time I felt I was just getting somewhere. Unworthy of trust, caring. empathy, and help. After all I HAD to be the helper. I had to carry the weight be it one of the love of my life's suicide or the rape of a dear close friend. This culminated in what you all saw as a political/social explosion of hate and anger at a world I really had felt completely gave up and I was the only one that could fix. Where was this love and courage...where was the empathy I would scream. And what had I done that was so wrong that I had to carry the weight of it all on top of cancer, addiction, a blood disorder, and a million other things.
Well I'm trying to just say at this point that I AM WORTHY. Not because of anything I ever did or will do. Not because I got the best grades or slept with only the most beautiful women or that...as dumb as it sounds but you addicts know what I'm talking about...could handle my drugs better than anyone. I am worthy simply because I am. And I am a part of one of the most wonderful and beautiful tapestries ever created: the human race. Sure...some of us hit the mark better than others. I know I've always been hit or miss. But when you look at the overall confluence of events that make this...life...what it is we can't help but just sit back and marvel that it doesn't just all unravel before us. The biggest lie we get ourselves to ever believe is that we are alone and that no one will understand. No matter where you've been or what you've faced we all struggle. For some it is weight, others our job isn't prestigious enough, and for some it is simply that we struggle in our very being. Of that I can ascribe. But the truth is that as soon as we can all just be honest and admit we don't have all the answers, our lives are never going to be perfect, and from that in itself comes a great amount of perfection the happier we will all be. I love you all so much. I really do. All I ask is can we all try to do a little better and admit we all are messy. Thank you...
And me...I just want to be that little boy again...
j
Saturday, March 2, 2013
To know and in knowing...know...
Oh what I would gain
If I could choose to know
When sun will rise
When gardens will grow
When betting on happiness
Could seem a safe bet
When knowing the roadblocks
That I've not gotten yet
If I could choose to know
When sun will rise
When gardens will grow
When betting on happiness
Could seem a safe bet
When knowing the roadblocks
That I've not gotten yet
I'm destroyed...
I'm coming apart at the seems. I know deep down in my person that everything I'm doing now is so important to my survival and really improving my life, but in the end I'm still having to deal and face myself in the mirror ever day. I still have to deal with the hurt that has been accrued. I have had to deal with the fact that every woman I have ever loved except one has emasculated me and left me with nothing and in the end choose rapists, drug addicts, perverts, abusers, and the like over me who only wants to love unconditionally. And then I'm told MY love is broken. I'm told I'm not ready. Yet these horrible people are? I had one...ONE...that did love me and she killed herself.
So in the end I'm left with questions. What gigantic cosmic fuck up did I do to deserve this? Is there really any plan to any of this or am I just a cosmological toy to be push, pulled, prodded for the amusement of some omniscient consciousness? I guess I just sit here with my questions...and have to accept that there is no answers to a lot of it. I just want to give up...but I can't...I won't. But this. This is the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to do. Peace...
So in the end I'm left with questions. What gigantic cosmic fuck up did I do to deserve this? Is there really any plan to any of this or am I just a cosmological toy to be push, pulled, prodded for the amusement of some omniscient consciousness? I guess I just sit here with my questions...and have to accept that there is no answers to a lot of it. I just want to give up...but I can't...I won't. But this. This is the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to do. Peace...
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