Passion: What's That!?

Have had some time over the holiday weekend to really spend some time alone and search my heart for if there is anything that resembles "human". The truth is sometimes I feel like such a constant resting place for feelings of sadness, anger, and pain. Almost like I'm less a carbon-based life form and more an automaton for bitterness making emotion. So in the quiet space I had for myself over most of the week I've realized one of my biggest issues: I have no outlet.

For years I played percussion. Loved it. Still air drum from time to time and would challenge anyone to my keeping time skills. LOL I became a human metronome. It was always something that was good for me when I was frustrated with life and just couldn't take anymore. And along the lines I've found other things to replace it, but (and not saying I'm going to become a 33 year old drummer) I'm finally realizing in my immaturity what I had given up. It was the one thing that was all me and I could put my heart in.

For most of my life there are similar carcasses along the way. Music, computer programming, pastoring, and many other things have shown moments of dedication in my life, but in the end I always give up as not being good enough by someones standards I'll never beat: my own. It is the reason (I found this out this summer) that when most people talk about me in my family the question always comes up of why I ever quit that.

Rambling. There is a point to this. I need another outlet. I have a lot of things I would be interested in dabbling with but think maybe a new thing is not the way. I need to find that one thing that defines me and chase after it with all my heart. Funny thing is I do kinda know what that is. Film. Making it. Watching it. Discussing it. Film is something I think most would agree is at the core of who I am. I know actors, directors, writers, and other minutea of the business. But I think I need something that meets a physical need as well...hmmm? Thoughts?

Epitaph: Unsure

This is what my life looks like:

finances: unsure

friendships: unsure

romantic relationships: unsure

family: unsure

housing: unsure

food: unsure

God: unsure

Brought to you by the pleasant folks at "Is this really all there is to life?"

Honesty...

Mensa Membership Denied...Oh Well

I've been in two places in my head recently. Two unusual places at least. The last four months doing my other job really opened my mind to some new things and I'm really mulling over have I found a new way of living? I believe I have.

In our current climate of the power of the individual we have left in its wake a lot of what makes it great to be human: other people and a sense of community. Last year I did a simple, not very fancy, video on the meaning community for a local organization called TBD. Ever since hearing two gentlemen that had just moved to Bend talk about their ideas of community and what it means to them I've searched my heart to see if I have a definition for community in my own life. And if I do how do I value and nurture it?

I saw community just a month ago. In the loss of my cousin Rick I realized there are a group of people that are very human and very real but have a great sense of coming together than anyone I've ever known. You hear stories about village and what that looks like. Well in a moment of tragedy I witnessed love and togetherness. Something in me drastically bent. I began to see that there are still people in this world that hold onto the idea that we do nothing alone and this is a principle that is very important to me.

What to do with that becomes the question? How do we begin to create this sense of belonging amongst our next door neighbors and people where we live? The honest truth is I can get caught up in the minutea of it all just trying to create what I saw, but I think now I'm realizing that community is a very personal project that comes from years of simply investing in people and their lives. This has been hard to do because there always seems to be a learning curve every time I return from my trip during the summer. But it is something I mean to search and and try to see in my own lifetime.

The second thing comes from something I heard in a Aesop Rock track (don't ask me which one). He talks about how each of us was born destined to greatness in the one thing that we are most passionate about. That it is time for we as a people to rise up and define our own ways of making a living and really even just living life. And this is so true. It goes along well with something I used to tell people all the time...find that thing you do well and love and chase after it with all your heart.

As we age we become so conditioned to think that what we need in life is what I like to call the big four: romantic/sexual relationship, MONEY, material wealth, and some identifier that makes us an individual. What if everything we did made us our very own unique person? What if we decided instead of being pulled in by a meat market dating culture that we will instead learn to just enjoy people for who they are without any preconceived nothings of entitlement or mammalian mating rituals? When I stop and think about even the idea of this I get scared because it is so new. If I want to make that film the only one stopping me is me. If I want to live in the woods and eat twigs for the rest of my life I am my only obstacle.

So there ya go. There ya have it. My first real posting since my return. I'm going to try and get on a schedule with these things but you know...why? I do love posting here though so you will be sure to hear from me again sooner or later. I'm glad to be back folks...wish some of you were closer...but it is good to be home. Hopefully with all the community I can handle.

One Love

J...

All Things Considered

I'm back as so many of you know. I'm going to skim over some stuff but I'm back in Bend, back home, and just getting a sense of living that has so far been beyond my grasp. This year in the mountains was a real eye opener for me but I guess I'll get to that story first.

I just got back from the mountains working with my Uncle and Cousin. Some of you know what I do. It is a job I love immensely. I make a lot of money at it, get to be involved in something I feel I'm putting a part of me in, and it gives me time to recollect and clear my head to really get to the core of what life can do to a person when they don't take breaks. The nice thing about the job in the mountain is that I have no choice but doing this. Being removed from civilization and basically off the grid gives me no choice but to be honest and true about the choices I've made in the last year and what they've done to me as a person.

This year revealed a lot. Always surprising is how clear God's voice is in the fields. In that moment in nature I can't help but fall away and accept that I have to listen. And always I learn new things and accept reality for what it is but this year was much less hard on me than it has been in years past. Despite a lack of sleep and struggling with the loss of my cousin God's was always a stable voice that showed me he is proud, accepting, and welcoming. It is in the acceptance that I was able to accept some more of the reality of who he made me to be.

But there was the loss of my cousin Rick. I'm coping. I don't know how my family is as strong as they are but Rick really hit me hard. After two years I can honestly say I loved that man like a brother. Rick was killed on October 18th 2010 when his car left the road and struck a tree. He was killed instantly leaving behind his fiance Candice Spearen and their little boy Aron. Rick was a guy that lived life like every day was his last. That may seem trite or maybe a bit of ill timing but the truth is is that Rick may have only been 22 but that (excuse the phrase folks) little fucker lived 100 years in those 22 years. He was quite a young man and left an impact on everyone he knew. I miss him a lot still. He was one of the good ones.

Now I'm back though. Bend. And while things were a bit of a struggle for a few days I can honestly say I'm so happy to be home. Bend is finally home after 14 years and I'm looking to make roots here. The job is kind of a question right now, but I know I've got enough talent and knowhow that if need be I'll create my own thing that will keep me here. This is my family...the city. As quirky and sometimes weird as you all can be I consider you all my brothers and sisters here. The only place I've ever felt this closeness is when I'm down south visiting my blood family. You guys all make this home.

I hope to get back to this. My writing hands are a bit shakey because getting acclimated to farm life doesn't really encourage a life obsessed with tech. You all know me though. Without a girl to distract me I'll always have some sort of computer or communication device in my hand. Simply said I'm back and if you want to see me just ask. I do miss you all and want to see each and every one of you. With all my love...

J...