This has been a while coming. Lots of ups and downs but mostly more realization.

The biggest being I have a complete and utter disconnect from humanity at this point. This is going to be pretty honest which is my nice way of saying it could get rather revealing so a warning to readers.

First off after years of chasing relationship after relationship and telling nearly everybody what I was looking for I think I'm just done with the whole dance. I don't ever want anything that resembles a traditional relationship. Certainly not one that includes all the laws and rules I have to play by in order to trick some girl into believing that I'm the one for her. It all seems like an effort in futility. And definitely no kids. I am not going to bring any rugrats into this world which is already grossly overpopulated. I feel this to extent that I'm really contemplating getting a vasectomy to just avoid the chance of anything happening at this point. Like Bill Burr says we don't need any more shitty people making any more of the same shitty worthless person and lets be honest...we like to think we are special but most of us aren't. We are pretty fucking blase and normal. So if anyone reading this has at any point been interested in me know now I'm not going to lie. I'll kick it. We can have some fun. Just never expect any sort of commitment from me ever. I'm pretty sure I'll be in it more for the comfort and I receive and any you get will be me simply just being reciprocal.

Second...besides the few times I work for Matt at Pinnacle or jobs in that realm know that I'm simply your robot to do as you bark orders at me, collect my check, and go home. I'll never been your company man. It isn't in my DNA to be. I tried to play the game a live within the system of education, job, and pride of the toys I've earned and the worthless knowledge accrued. This is the time I say I'm just completely done with it all and am only doing what I do to make sure I'm not homeless, hungry, or dying from one of the several things life has foisted upon me with little or no reason. There is little reward. This new monetary reward system for making a company more money does little to pique my interest and I have no belief in any kind of corporate standard whatsoever. I instead wonder what ever happened to a job market that made each and every person take value in their work based on honor, kindness, and the feeling that a person was more than just a tool in the machine. Frankly I find the entire corporate world to be a soul-less, life sucking machine that does nothing but live on the hopes of never ending profits at the cost of the individual. And I'm not entirely pro-inidividual either which brings me to my next point which is less a "this is me now" statement and more a call where I think we must change or be destroyed.

Third...we must STOP thinking of this life as solely ours and ours alone with the purpose being to droll on and on doing things that mean nothing and produce nothing and change nothing. The point is our entire social structure is based on nothing. Our money, social lives, entertainment, and many other things are literally nothing but numbers, created values, and posturing. I've been having some great conversations with friend of mine recently and we both see this world as a facade sitting atop a great issue in that we are denying the human experience in order to bolster thousands of manmade systems that are failing not just us here in the US but all of us around the world as well. Capitalism: yes I understand what it is. Yes I understand that in its perfect form it creates a free market where people all have a chance to rise and prosper. But as any person who has ever invested time into really understanding this system will tell you it was a way of living that was meant to fail not because it isn't a good way of thinking but because we as humans can never keep anything simple. Labor laws and piles of legislation have crippled the idea to a point where it is just limping on, and we were all dumb enough to not see it coming. This has led to a collapse in our education system which I think is our most important asset, the complete and utter destruction of the middle class, and a flailing war economy that should have realized we could never keep up with the hayday of World War II. Of course we needed Korea, Nam, and this recent Middle Eastern boondoggle to figure this out.

All that to say I once felt that my obligation was to each and every human much as it was for every other person in the world to feel the same. If you have you give to those that don't. If you don't items will be in place to keep you on your feet and living comfortably and healthily until you can again give back. But the more I read, study, examine, and ponder these ideas the more it is clear that you as the entire human race is incapable of this. How can you not understand the if we all come together and break out of the labels and boxes we put ourselves into we can see true change without these back alley dealings and two-faced workings that make this state of horrible just business as usual. It doesn't matter whether you are black, white, Christian, Muslim, gay, straight, or all the other names we give ourselves to make us feel special. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL!!! We as a whole are just carbon-based lifeforms searching for purpose and what greater purpose than to make the world a better place. Until then I'll stay arms length and enjoy my play acting in your little world until I can become worm food and forego this entire comedy. Life is a joke. We can choose to make it a joyous one or a laughable one. Right now I feel existence in and of itself is pretty laughable.

So there ya go. Sleep tight and keep sucking down those opiates so you don't have to care. And keep telling yourself something that you are doing matters. It doesn't. Not as long as it fits neatly within the confines of a media focused, greed driven society. Once you can step out of that then maybe we can talk about the true complexities of being carbon-based lifeforms. These are the things that matter and leave true destinies.

Jack

Duly Noted...

Tonight as I'm hanging with my friend Celia (who is such a sweet heart for taking me to get my testing done at the hospital in the morning) I get bombarded with the negative thoughts of someone I love but is slowly pushing me away again. And as I spout forth diatribes and sound bytes it dawns on me...this has kinda been me for the last 6 months. Well I'm here to tell ya now I'm working on changing that.

This month...despite life throwing me yet again more than a few curve balls...I've been doing pretty damn good. Meeting some new people is always a joy for me. And the people I've met are best for me in the greatest of ways. They get that while I've come to a place where I'm loving myself more than ever it is good to have their positive energy around to give me a nudge to stay the course.

I haven't been the easiest person to be around for some of your I'm sure. I've been loud, abrasive, closed to your advice, distant, and a lot of other things that have made me probably not the best of friends. Now could be a time to make a laundry list of hurts that led me here but the fact is we all have hurts. Some big. Some small. It all sucks. But the true test of character is how we overcome and get on with our lives. Finally after a great amount of time I'm trying to be that person that just comes to a place of acceptance and moves on.

Truth is I know how foolish I look sometimes. Man that makes me feel guilty. For most my life I've kept bottled up what I truly feel about things and only let my passions loose on things that don't really matter. Music, comics, movies, and things like that. Pop culture. Media. All things that don't grow me or make me a better man. Instead just distractions from what I should be doing. Writing. Finding extra work so I can get the equipment I need to fulfill my dreams. Repaying my boss Matt for being an awesome friend and great employer that has had my back no matter how much I let him down. And all you knew people who are so beautiful and fun and share time, space, and energy with me. Life could be a hell of a lot worse that's for sure.

So I've gotten little crumbs along this trail. Found out a lot about me...some things I'll keep to myself as they are a) personal, and b) I'm sure not all of you want to hear it. Suffice it to say I will not sit around while I'm trying to enjoy my time and space and allow the pleasure devourers of the world to steal my flame. It burns bright and I've learned now that when you begin to douse it with your anger, hatred, issues, and all that I have to go. Believe it or not part of it is because of loving you. But a bigger part is because of loving me which is MUCH more important in the long run. Love for myself has helped me lose almost 200 lbs. It has got me to make that jump...and this is a huge reveal...from being a 33 year old virgin to someone that is comfortable with his body and gaining a healthy view on sexuality and what roll it plays in life. It has led me to embrace being an artist again at work and at home because my work...it reflects on me.

A couple points and then I need to get to bed...got someone waiting to cuddle. :-) First...I will not be controlled. Not by religion, government, friends, family, or anything else for that matter. I will defiantly stand against those that would take from me, tell me what I can and can't do, or try to demean or belittle me in some means of making themselves feel superior. I'm not hear for your dick measuring contest. I'm not one of the "Bros" that thinks a great night out is getting drunk and fighting about shit. Or name calling. If you need to feel better about yourself then get healthy or accept one of the many "whores" of life and get the fuck away from me. But be real in your emotion, tell me like it is, and I can promise we will grow together along this journey.

Second and last. I would like to throw some names out of people that assured I didn't wither up and die this year. Todd and Amber Hanson...you two are way too fucking rad for works. Dan Tabayoyon...can say you are one of few people I've ever talked to (of course mostly on Facebook) that can tell me almost anything and I have enough respect to swallow my pride and listen. Katherine, Kate, McKenzie, Kaili, and that crew...you may be young but keep it strong. You girls all have great hearts and I hope big things in the world for you all. Scott...while right now it seems like I'm lining up against you...know I love you and everything I've ever said or done has been because I have to set boundaries but at the same time because I love the fuck out of ya and want you to not be like me when you're 30. Jasper...well you know. LOL Drew, Steve, Kyle and the crew...all such solid men. Glad I have you in my life. Erik...well Erik. Love you more than you'll probably ever know or understand. Travis...glad I pulled out my tampon finally man. And to all you girls...so many beautiful babies...thanks for being good to my heart these last 6 months and giving me the love and encouragement I've needed. You mean the world to me. Vi...so much to say but always would rather say it to your face. And the best man I fucking know in the world...my brother Eric. Stay strong. We can hold each other up through whatever from wherever. You make me want to be a better man daily. Love you all and now...bed...cuddles...and a LOOOOOOONG day tomorrow. One Love!!!

J...

It's Those Hands That Dwell

First it was reaching
The way those words
The thoughts you always share
Tickled the mind
And took me there

But came a strange form
Acceptance
All brilliance and light
With a glow in the now
And its space in new territories

So we can shake hands
Sip our drinks
But we know the thoughts
And what they bring
Roughshod and facing
What patterns we care

In the end we pretend its taste
Its long angered lonely things
That give time and space meaning
Just all part and parcel
For tonight's ballroom dance

Shaken down around
But looking no the less
At the dance hands to
Down condensations tracks
To lips and then back

To the dance we do
And the looks we gave
And the bonds we've folded
And made
With each carefully chosen phrase

Balance Me Open

Managed your air again
To be broken and sullen
Only then to rise above defeat
And taste victory
Know salvation and a win

To raise hand and head
And hold up high
Let stones they throw
And bonds they break
Fall cold to this unyielding ground

Set face to stare
At open space and air
To know it is all mine
And fare for said empty graces
Like a plunge from such heights

It is in the air
I wake tonight
Knowing full well that all
Is not all
That end
Is not end
And the finite
Is just a label
For those caught in the sin of fear

Bend bleeding eye
To ear
Let's see it known
And know all that's said
Is just waking from dreaming

Chord in hand
It is from mouth
And screaming tongue
We hear these
To the grave and all barren

Tide wiped
Blood sped
To hang lightly
On mourning's whim
And dawn's blank stares

A hustled blow
To the heart
With bended knee
And a gross toss
To keep a limb
But tear leaves apart

Milled fellow
To blanket this shudder
All violence
And eyes to blame
That place at centers
From cold to warm rush

So to only blush now
Cornered on eyes
A broken blare
To end this cacauphony
And bring legends
To the fare

Trolling

I'm finding myself in the oddest of places.

This is my blog. A place for my mind to paint its pictures and share its thoughts, but there are some facts of life I'm just not ready to be honest and open about with everyone yet. Which puts me in quite a crux. The truth of the matter is I see the spiral...downward and ever present. Yet it doesn't scare me. It seems like the most real thing there is to me right now. The only thing I truly love and embrace. Because the honest truth comes down to this: when "god", family, friends, lovers, and the other beings that take up my life fall away all I'm left with is the spiral. The chaos that ensues and is mostly my own creation has become that unrequited lover that keeps me warm while it brings me closer and closer to the edge of the abyss.

This last year has become a listing of what the world has done wrong to me with a brief break in the last two months of spotty times of glee. But at most my glee has amounted to a reaching and longing for something that I've wanted all my life but fear now I've allowed myself to become too broken to even know. So accept the substitute which the night or day of is amazing. Outstanding even. It comes on me like a wave and leaves me glaring and hungry like a wild beast. And once done I cower back to the truth that these things pass because they were never meant to be lasting. Like a Henry Miller or other cynic I find that nothing lasts and I wonder if all "hope" and "love" and "belonging" is not only a fairy tale for me but for all humanity.

After a brief burst of the creative I struggle to find what I love. I thought I knew what I wanted. Believed in a "god" that gave me desires for it. Thought with each new try that if I just did this better things would work out. If I just sacrificed and gave until it hurt that that perfect longing would be fulfilled. But now I find only scattered remains with no clues or answers. I haven't grown from any of this. If anything I've devolved in a creature of simple longings of a life filled with carnal pleasures and brief respite. And I keep telling myself, "You can't keep this up." Yet here I am.

Advice from everywhere does little. Most men in my life I resent with their narrow dick metaphors and "buck up" mentality. I've "bucked up" and sucked it up and let it slide and all those good slogans that get you peons through the day. But there has to come a point in life where enough is enough and you just say fucking stop. I can't buy that the slogan for mine or any life is we just deal with pain and move on. There has to be some place of justice and solace in all this mess. I can't just accept the now.

I say this a lot but I'll repeat on and on like a broken record until some soul finally fucking gets me: I'm tired. I just pray that before I die I meet one soul that says something that speaks to my heart because so far no family, friends, or other have made a dent and I really daily have to fight not to just give up.

AND I DON'T MEAN KILL MYSELF!!!

Just to be clear. Just lock myself away and fritter away the days while I wait for solace one only finds in a grave...preferably of an old age but only out of a feeling of obligation to you all. I have no need for this. Life frankly is wasted on the living, and after 33 years of health issues, financial struggle, drug addiction, liars, thieves, and harlots I'm just ready to retire from this mess we call reality into a space deep in my mind no one can find me. Maybe in the end I was more honest here than I thought myself capable.

I give words of joy and light in hopes I'll believe it too. If it helps some of you then congratulations. For me it is a daily reminder of where I want my life to be, but also where I am losing faith of existence.

Peace...

I rock this. Never have. But the fact is that I am going to be full of myself. I am the best person I know and goddamnit if that ain't just good enough for me.

The fact is I've worked my ass off physically to get in shape. I love my body. Love my smile. Love each muscle and piece of sinue I see move under my skin. It is a beautiful thing. And damn if I haven't earned this.

The missing piece has always been a piece of me. And well...in these last three months I'm choking out the insecurities of life to just live and love and taste the things life has to offer. And if it is just a simplistic replacement for bliss...well i've seen that ideal once and even that was flawed. Pleasure seems to work for me.

So there ya go...short and simple. I just give up on all this work you other gender put me through. I'll just take and enjoy without the work because obviously the world will never get it. A boy that just wants to chill sounds nice but "scary" and "I don't know" is all I hear. Well I do know. I'm about giving and getting but without the pretense and all that shit. I just am and if you are down for the ride then let's stop playing games and just enjoy what it is. I never asked for this dance.

Peace!

Open Letter

Dear City of Bend

Welcome to your sin

Your white washed walls

Can't keep it in

You opiate masses

So let me begin

While your sons rape your daughters

Content with your chardonay

Your children are drug addled

Your children are theives

But that is the way

When I've sold it to your viens

Your nose

How dare you expect change

So prying your eyes open

With pliers

Open your ears

You frequent fliers

Buried in eateries and beers

But your false money

Can't assuage fears

You can candy coat it

Raise the rents to false wage

But your children are mirrors

Reflection of a world's rage

Welcome to this insanity

That is your life or lies

Where you wink and smile

While the soul of a nation dies

I'm just here to burn you

Hear and turn you

Face facts now

Earned and turned blue

The cancer is you...word

So it hits me...

I've done my fair amount of complaining over the last week. Kinda lost scope and returned to some old habits...man those danged things are hard to kill. But between Libya, NPR, Planned Parenthood, etc. I just reacted emotionally and condemned the ideas instead of seeing a greater purpose that could be had here.

At this point, not caring which side you stand on, I think most would agree our government has failed. Failed to make sure it is taking care of its duties, failed to find solutions to policies that are too old for the current world we live in, and just failed to meet the expectations of what a government should be...an unbiased governing body there for the well-fare of its peoples. At the same time we have to take some responsibility. Had this realization come from the strangest of places, but part of what this person said is true: "Everyone just wants everything for free."

He's right. Nothing is free in life. The cost may be unseen but it is there. There are always strings attached which got me to thinking about maybe having certain organizations out of government hands and moved to privately ran organizations that have to cut through much less of the red tape that kept these places stifled for so long. Not saying the NPR or PBS could just "come up with the money", but there are enough private individuals in this country with money and ambition that they could easily start working on an alternative to fill the void that is left when our government decided to pull funding. The point being that the money would then come not from a corrupt government that cares little for its people, but instead from individuals that care specifically for these issues freeing up tax dollars for things like education and healthcare which are much bigger issues in this country right now.

So I guess where my challenged started as declaration for people to be creative I will now extend that to simply...and I know I've heard this so much...be the change. There is no reason that private contributors can't take and mold similar organizations. You can make the choice to complain and have no answers, or we can look at his as a challenge to be overcome. I know this generalizes a bit. NPR and PBS certainly control their content to an extent. All these places have had really happen is pulling of government funding but there are more dollars out there. But if you really want to see the message continue. If you really want to see something you support and believe in not die then be that message. I know this is for me mostly as I need to turn from sudden bursts of rage and embrace that I am a divine instrument of change, and the only choice I have to make is which battle do I fight? What about you? What is important enough for you to lay it on the line?

All that to say...good job Mr. Rogers on fighting Congress back in the '70's. Obviously we don't live in that world anymore. Maybe back then they listened. Today we live in a much different society where our congressional seat holders prove time and time again it is their agenda that will always be chosen first, and the cost it has to their constituents is negligible to them most the time. We can take control and actually start working to benefit our fellow man...the one right out your back door...or we can just be another loud-mouthed do-nothing. I'm going to try and do.

Men...NO PITY Women...on behalf of young men I'm sorry

As men we have power. More than we recognize. Power that is often abused and used to abuse others. A reality I find daily as I talk to more and more of the young ladies I keep running into. What happened to being a man? A good man that finds core values and belief systems. Stands up for the hard things in life and makes those hard choices because that is what a man does. Not saying Christian either. Just a man! What I am saying is that when the message your life sends is, "I like to do drugs and rape."...well...I have no pity and no forgiveness for you. In fact, be glad I'm finding inner peace because what I want to give you (obviously through the emotion of the moment) is an end.

I may not be perfect but I know how to treat a woman. And it isn't because I had perfect parents. It came from some trial and error, but a lot of common sense. Common sense is greatly lacking guys. I know that there are certain lines that no matter what she says or does my option is always that I CAN choose to walk away. I can. And it has come in handy. I've never hit a woman in my life, never done anything sexually I've regretted, and more often than not I know it comes down to the simple choice that I am in control of me. Not her. Not my friends. I control me.

So when I hear about this new generation...this group of young men between 16-30 that have decided it is okay to perpetrate one of the most destructive and vile acts, rape...well...I won't hit you. I've done that. I've pummeled and beat to a pulp and all those good things. What I will do instead is go right to the cops. Encourage these girls in taking out restraining orders and getting you out of their lives. I WILL see you put away. I don't care your age. I've been to jail...almost prison. It isn't fun. And you deserve that reality. You deserve to have your lives ruined. You deserve prison sex and probably worse. I don't give a fuck how bad your home life was. When you rape you destroy something so beautiful. You destroy a soul but you also destroy an act that when done right...oh when done right...can be an amazing piece of a healthy relationship. Take some fucking responsibility.

If you are one of the many girls I know that are facing these things there is help. I want you to have healing. I want your hearts to know that not every guy in the world will hurt you. That some can be trusted. And some will even make you happy from time to time. We aren't perfect. I know I'm not perfect for just anyone. But good love is out there. Love that tells you it is okay to let down the walls. Love that doesn't demand or take or steal what you aren't ready to give. Love that is patient, kind, giving, and so many other things. But more importantly there is help like:

Saving Grace

http://www.saving-grace.org/

5413897021 24 Hour Hotline

18665048992

Call. You are too good to not press charges. You are too good to not take control of what was taken from you. And more important you are too good for you. We are all instruments of the divine. Don't let his fucked up actions muddy that. Get help and send a message that women of the world will not take the violence of a whole slew of men that just don't fucking get it. You get that in control and it is my hope there will be joy in all your futures. And if you have kids you owe it to them too. Find heath and healing. And love... My heart breaks for you ladies and I say on behalf of men everywhere I'm sorry for the hurt you have faced. May more light lie ahead.

Peace

A calling...a banner...a burning efigy

I had more to say and Facebook status just isn't that place. So here goes...

I'm living my life. For the first time in...EVER...I'm living life and making decisions that are good for me regardless of whether I have everyone's support of not. And why am I doing this? Because of "stormy weather".

"Stormy weather" is the name I gave the chaos inside my heart. It was a conglomerate of fretting and worrying energy. Belief systems based on what I have been told was wrong or reinforced rules and lifestyle choices I never bought into but did because it made people happy or pleased my parents or...God forbid...I would ever do anything in my life to give me pleasure or joy? Well for years I haven't. I drank and drugged for a time...ran after religions and faiths...all in this pursuit to make this ever-looming force quiet a little. It wasn't until these last few months I've began to come to the simple realization that life is just too fucking short.

Now this isn't free reign. It isn't some pie-in-the-sky, get out of jail free scheme that gives people no accountability for being assholes and treating others like shit. If your freedom comes at the cost of someone else's reality then your desires and wants maybe need a little work. What I am doing in this time is going in for the share: Share of time, energy, space, and experience. Once found it is up to me to make the hard choices, but in that finding that sometimes the only reason these things were hard choices is because I CHOSE to make them that. My friends Leah, Jennifer, Scott, Violet, my freakin' brother Eric, and a few others have shown me so much...at 33...in just simply saying to life, "Just chill out."

And I have. I catch myself falling back. Like last night which I'm a little ashamed of. Getting caught in that moment for some perceived want or need. But this is the tattoos. The piercings. The late night vague status posts. Loving underground urban and still dancing while listening to Usher everywhere I go. The honest, sometimes too honest for some of you folks, conversations I share with you now. We're all human. We all have our hang ups and insecurities. I know I have a lot less now though. I love my body. I love my mind and how I process. I love being impractical and maybe a little aloof about things...a little "head in the clouds" perhaps. But for me it was embracing a lot of what I always knew I NEEDED to experience for myself before I could label it. It is finally figuring out the pieces that make me who I am not like most people earlier on, but like myself because it is in this time and this place that I was meant to find me.

So folks...this is me grabbing life and asking you to do that same. We never know if Bend will one day be beach front property or we will face nuclear holocaust...or hell...even getting run over by a bus. My challenge to people is to stop living in regret and love big, but love big first of yourself. Once you grasp that give that love away. I love myself. LOVE myself. I've hated everything about me for most my life and can't tell you how the joy of loving me makes tears well up in my eyes. Happy tears that say in their trails and rivulets, "Welcome home."

Embrace the divine

One Love

Awakening

Just aaaaaah. I feel like I've been dead for 33 years until now.

It has been an amazing last month. I know. With all you read and heard about the suffering and malady I was going through I'm sure that other things are to be expected. But the truth is that in this time I made a choice I've never made before. Chose the about face and decided instead of burying myself away I would learn to embrace life and chase its experience at every instance I can. And the results...well...I think amazing is the only word to describe it.

Embracing has meant a lot of things. It means not covering myself head to toe in minutiae of distraction. Women can be that for me. Media is another. Two weeks ago I was left with little choice but to push those things out when all connection was lost to them whether I wanted it to be or not. It was in this quiet place that the real storm inside was revealed. An utter downpour of all the hardship and hurts I've faced for nearly my entirely life that just laid there undealt with and festering like a gangrenous wound. But when my soul seemed to scream the loudest that is where I broke. Broke the hold I had on my life and grasped just being. It is in this being...this sense of presence that I've learned happiness is fleeting but I can choose to be content. Content in life is so much more satisfying.

In my contentedness I've become open. Open and free to express, love, take chances, laugh, and so many other things that all you of have seen me do but honestly...everything I've done in life to this point has been for all of you. THIS is all for me. I'm going to be selfish. I'm going to take and maybe not give. Not all the time...not in my nature obviously to not be a good person...but I'm doing life for me now. No relationships. No obsessions with the external distraction. Just a striving and searching inside for all "me" has to offer.

Now I'm finding things I genuinely love. DUBSTEP!!! House music. Trance. The Rave/Dance culture. It just extends from my percussion background and my love of beats and dancing. And I'm dancing. And DJing house parties. Mixing my own music. It is like when I do these things now my soul itself sings because for years I've denied things because of image I uphold, what I want people to believe, and that I was ashamed of certain aspects of my person. Now I've learned that these things are important and of value for a very specific reason. Because it is me and to deny that is to deny what makes me very unique.

Addressing some of you...I'm not returning to church. Not going to lead. EVER. Some of you tell me that that is what you see for me. That with what you saw in the past this is what I'm meant to do. Nope. It isn't. I state again because it seems some of you don't listen: I was acting. I was playing a part. Do I believe most of what I spouted...some of it...very little...but I more often than not was simply just regurgitating things I had already heard. It doesn't mean I don't believe there is a greater power. Simply put I'm spiritual. Always have been. Just can't buy what to me is lies anymore. So many lies.

To be content...not happy. That is always the goal. Happiness is fleeting. And in that mission I'm enjoying people...the energy we share. Other things I have said no too but embracing them in an intelligent and adult way that I don't think I was ready for because of the intense fear and trepidation I constantly put myself under. That means a lot of things so I'll leave out the details. :) Suffice it to say the weight off of my shoulders is huge. When you make the choice to release bonds the walls come down and you find yourself in this space...well...it has to be what life is all about. Just chill...let it be...have the experience because you can. Because I tell you now...all of you...only you hold you back.

Love you all...and I would say I hope you understand but it doesn't matter if you do or not. This is all about me. I'm selfish and that is okay.

J...

To Heather...One Year Almost Gone R.I.P.

We're coming up on a year and well...I need to do this...I still miss her a lot:

Heather...

A lot has happened since you've been gone. Some good. Some bad. But all with the reality that I have to pick up and move on. More than anything I'm completely unsure what that looks like still at this point. I met a great girl and though things didn't work out I'm sure we will be great friends. And I know you would like her. She is a lot like me. She really has been there for me through a lot. I've made a lot of new friends recently actually and each one of them is helping me remember what it is like to live again.

I've been walking a lot again. Makes me think of those nice moonlit nights we used to walk on the beach or the time camping in the bed of your truck. So many times and so many memories. You were always so cold but it didn't bother me. I just pulled you in closer, taking in all of you and that amazing fragrance of you that was never anything you put on. It was just the deep satisfying smell of you...my woman...my baby. I'll take the memory of that green pillow and black bangs flowing over green eyes to the grave with me I'm sure. I miss it.

There are a lot of things I miss. Mostly simple. Mostly little. All seemed so much more when I had 'em. I love that you always made me feel like I belong even when you sometimes didn't understand because our world's were so different. That sometimes Teddy would become the bear but your soft words and soothing hand always brought me right back down. You were one of a handful of people in my life that I felt at home with no matter where I was, and you brought me closest to my feeling of ease all the while beckoning a storm inside. But it is time to move on.

Because I know that is what you would want for me. You loved me like no other when I still struggle living in a world where I think no woman could ever love what I am, but knowing the love that you had for me makes me think that I might just have something to give some lucky woman. And her me too. You give me hope. Help me see I'm not a monster...that I'm soft and lovey and silly and dopey...that it was cute I would make up little songs about you and sing them around the house LOL...and that all these things are good things to be. You made me so little when I struggle so hard to not be my frame but show the world that inside this torrent is something so gentle and real. The last of the true "good guys" you used to say and made "good guys" not seem like such a bad phrase because you knew my goodness would always come back to you.

So I can go on. I can espouse those things I miss about you, or I can do better. I can take your gifts and make them mine because there were so many beyond just you. You gave me vision, made me want to be a better man, and there is no reason that has to stop now. So I would say my gift to you this year is simply this: holding on to the lessons you gave me and the love you shared as a beacon in this dark time. In this knowing that at I'm good enough, worthy, and accepted. I set your smiling face as a light in the gloom and doom. And I set on my heart that you were my baby but now...you are always going to be my angel. I love you Heather...so much that even pulling into this realness makes me ache for you. I hope wherever you are that love knows you too. You were loves gift to me...

J...

Inspired

So today I wake up...

There is still hurt and reality to face but I feel a shifting in dynamics of who I "am" to who I really am. And in that I'm finding freedom, peace, joy, anguish, anger, passion, and so much more. The best thing is I'm finding more and more new people that really are just good people. I've been keeping this all pent up too much. Too afraid that someone else will hurt me. Too scared that it will just be another of the same old song. The truth is that yes...I have a right to grieve...but I do not have the right to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. This has been the reality of my last 3 years and GOD I want to break the cycle. Before this I was heading to such a good place.

But what I've seen in all of this...because I have learned things. I'm pretty fucking awesome. LOL I am. I'm accepted and loved and worth all those things. I don't have all you lovely people in my life and the new ones just joining the ride (Or am I joining their's?) because I'm not worth it. You are all here because you see the truth even if has been hard for me to see behind this veil. I'm ready for whatever I want because the only things holding me back at this point are my fears. Even if I fall flat it doesn't diminish anything about the reality. To live...that is my claim. I haven't lived life since I was doing it mostly on questionable terms. But nothing says I can't grab hold, own it, and taste all this life has to give.

In all of this I'm not lying to myself. I know there is reality that still has to be faced. Loves I've lost along the way. Scars both physical and emotional. I need to work on these things if it is ever my hope that I don't define myself by failed pasts and unrealistically hopeful futures. Things just are. Life is hard. Work is a reality. Illness happens...even major illness. People come and go but we can choose to look at them as chapters in our tale or dwell on some concept of loss. There is a lot and I know I didn't get here and can just change overnight. But accepting that is a big part. I am only the complete sum of what I am moment to moment. The sum of all other time is irrelevant.

Love ya all. I'm feeling a need to move so I need to cut this off. I'll keep you all posted and again...thank you all for your support. Without you all I would not be here. One love all.

J...

To My Friends...If You Are a Real Friend Please Read

Rough day today...

I just want to stay in bed. Have the world leave me alone. Hide away and not face reality. But I have to. As a carbon based lifeform I have a myriad of responsibilities the first of all being meeting with my landlord today to talk finances. Not something I'm ever excited about. And I shouldn't be this way as she has been way awesome, but I'm facing a harsh reality today and not trying to get it to weigh me down: I've failed at being self-sustaining again.

Now at this point I could raise my fists up at the sky screaming, "Why?" I could do that and have a lot. After never getting an answer though I'm thinking its safe to say I'm barking up the wrong tree through that route. I do realize that some of this does come from the path I've blazed in my own life and now...I have to realize that some of this is out of my control. Gah...this is a blog so now complete transparency.

I've told some of you at this point that I've been dealing with bi-polar and OCD for most my life, but have been taking meds and working through the system only for about 5 years now. This to add to my two cancers, massive surgeries, and hep C (that is in remission) is a lot not to add day to day life and everything else in the mix. With bi-polar try adding to all of this and life becomes a guessing game. "Is this a legitimate feeling?" "Am I really in feeling joy or is this just an upswing." Through counseling and medications I've coped pretty well but am now realizing that while my life has not been easy...fact I will say worse than most...my illness has just made this worse. The OCD in my is fairly mild but it is impossible to do life as a bi-polar, perfectionist. The two are diametrically opposed.

I'm trying to get some help on this but know...I know I'm weird right now. I now I'm clinging and needy and all the above. And I know that sometimes I flip at a snap lately and suddenly am pushing you all away. I need this and if you can't handle I understand if you walk away, block me on facebook because your tired of hearing it, or just don't have it in you. I do understand. I hate the way I am. I am working to change it but at 33 I'm just at this point hoping to find means to cope. And not God...no self-help gurus. These are the kinds of paths I know take a lot of work, and despite what some may think I've been working hard to get this under control. I just ask patience. And if I disappear like in the next couple months please understand. This is not my plan for life. I'm just doing the best I can...

j

From the boughs finds an edge...

Tonight I sit up here on this ledge looking out on the city below. We just got in and I have to say I miss this. Constant movement. Ever flow. You can taste life from these heights and look down below knowing that in life you've earned these things. It is up here you get the good winds that never seem to cease blowing past, and that carry with them the smells and sounds of my people below.

I notice something about life lately. The little unspoken rules we all share. Out nightlife for instance. It is like long ago some group of men (because long ago all groups were surely men and white LOL) and decided sunlight meant fun and family safety while after dark it was okay within the confines of the law to let your freak flag fly.

While doing my normal daily observations I found myself thrust upon the first group while appearing to be part of the second. What was I to do as I had surely from my music, urban garb, and saunter ruined what was to be a perfectly peaceful morning for Tom and Susan Local. They quickly surveyed their surroundings and me seeing their panic like a couple wild deer looking for escape I gladly smiled and paused so they could pass by. The entire exchange seemed like eons but was mearly minutes.

So here I stand on this balcony, like a king unto my brethren...more a casual observer with a lofty and pleasing perch. I stand here to let the night touch it and take it all away. This is like a shower to wash away the day. A soft whisper that reminds us of a lover's secret. But mostly just my tower for which I evade and become something new. Sweet dreams world. My epoch just kicked in again.

The Great American Dust Off

A face like I'm 20

Body like I'm 50

Soul like infinity

But that's all okay

Just a little more vocal

A little more postal

Just a tad more local

And I like it this way

I got a way with feelings

But no way with women

And a way to make millions

If I only get my break

Just another shaky plan

A push to deal with the man

Hustlin' just to keep in bread

Sunken face ain't just lack a steak

So it may be have you hold you

Or just get to know you

Just gotta get back to ignoring you

Cause you all just too much

Stroll the notes nightly

I'd like to get by kindly

Got to quiet the mind see

So its light I long to touch

The Hole Goes Bigger Than My Heart

On the other end of hurt

I've got to realize

You've closed that door

And seeing you walk away

Was the worst thing

Can't own all the sadness

Can't drown ache away

Another day cold

Longing for reason

Just to say good morning

Hammered my heart bare

Just covering weakness

Of a little boy

Needing a little girl

Maybe then I'll beat this

So here's my reality

A cup of tea to warm me

Aching fingers to write me

Haunted soul to share me

Keep breathing...we'll see

Sandcastles

Think I'll just hang head low

It is all I've got anyway

No place for faith of any kind

Hope has long gone away

To awaken this turmoil of dysfunction

My mind that has gone astray

Becoming more than simple struggle

Becoming the walls I hide in

The reasoning is all so immediate

My heart just can't handle the pain

Of another hope for a little joy

Ends up just walkin' in the rain

So I'll assemble this castle again carefully

With each purposed stone I'll find

A pleasant safe place for shelter

For this little boys heart and mind

The Violent Only Show

Would blood make it more real?

Is bleeding what you want?

Got plenty and seen it all before

Plenty to spare

Enough for it all to make sense

That this unencumbered chaos

Is a heart that just won't beat

So give away massive contusion

Let the fount flow forth

The only way you'll see this real

Is traction for a broken heart

Words That Make YOU Feel Better

How you doing?

Would you all just stop talking to me

How you doing?

I answered this all yesterday and will let you know when I've changed

How you doing?

how ya doin

how's things

are you okay

all with time

God has a plan

I don't know

can we just be friends

you are a great guy but...

remember Job

things just aren't working out

sorry but we've gone another route

lower your expectations

sometimes we have to just settle

dreams are for kids

time to grow up

sorry but your loan request has been denied

can't pay you right now but...

I'm family...I'm good for it

God has a plan

God has a plan

God has a plan

I Surrender

Too damn hard to be angry

I'm going on alone

To that same old place

I've grown to know as home

Where the noise is silent

And the presence small

I find the only thing I know

Exists behind walls

Well I've just about did it

Millions of times

But in the end I'm putting

Too much on the line

For it's all dream and want

The way I find escape

While love just remains out of reach

And these arms are just too tired to hold up anymore

I'm just picking up pieces...

Again With Feeling

If I fed you this fist

Would your lies stop long enough to taste it

Just asking

Because this all seems damned convienent

Lord knows it was my plan to get in the way

To stumble you

In your quest

To keep you in joy

While alone it stands at arms reach

Starting to star

In your own trick show

So take the stage

I'm off to other pastures

And better performances

And concessions to make me rise

Growing Ships

To feel the rush

Pressed teeth to sweat

As life pushes its way

Past eyes

Past mind

To that sweet glorious bliss

Watching lights

As they kiss skin

Even the roads

Seem in reach for caress

To keep this hold

Like the world

It is in love being

It gets inside

Deep to the soft

And wipes those black pains clean

And it waves

All creation's audience

To just love

In the steps

When it comes time to breathe in

Helps to face

Skin stretched too thin

For a bordered awakening

This can be bliss

Or it is known

Milky

Pray for me world

Pray for the husk

For the wind blown leaf

Faded cold with age

For soft is felt sudden

Through you

And that blistering stare

Pray for anger

Pray for passion

And justice and love

That these cuts

Don't cut so deep

That the splinter of light I see through the window

That window

Undulating

Sweet like grazed lips

Bled passion awakened

With you

Its not just

This