I just want to stay in bed. Have the world leave me alone. Hide away and not face reality. But I have to. As a carbon based lifeform I have a myriad of responsibilities the first of all being meeting with my landlord today to talk finances. Not something I'm ever excited about. And I shouldn't be this way as she has been way awesome, but I'm facing a harsh reality today and not trying to get it to weigh me down: I've failed at being self-sustaining again.
Now at this point I could raise my fists up at the sky screaming, "Why?" I could do that and have a lot. After never getting an answer though I'm thinking its safe to say I'm barking up the wrong tree through that route. I do realize that some of this does come from the path I've blazed in my own life and now...I have to realize that some of this is out of my control. Gah...this is a blog so now complete transparency.
I've told some of you at this point that I've been dealing with bi-polar and OCD for most my life, but have been taking meds and working through the system only for about 5 years now. This to add to my two cancers, massive surgeries, and hep C (that is in remission) is a lot not to add day to day life and everything else in the mix. With bi-polar try adding to all of this and life becomes a guessing game. "Is this a legitimate feeling?" "Am I really in feeling joy or is this just an upswing." Through counseling and medications I've coped pretty well but am now realizing that while my life has not been easy...fact I will say worse than most...my illness has just made this worse. The OCD in my is fairly mild but it is impossible to do life as a bi-polar, perfectionist. The two are diametrically opposed.
I'm trying to get some help on this but know...I know I'm weird right now. I now I'm clinging and needy and all the above. And I know that sometimes I flip at a snap lately and suddenly am pushing you all away. I need this and if you can't handle I understand if you walk away, block me on facebook because your tired of hearing it, or just don't have it in you. I do understand. I hate the way I am. I am working to change it but at 33 I'm just at this point hoping to find means to cope. And not God...no self-help gurus. These are the kinds of paths I know take a lot of work, and despite what some may think I've been working hard to get this under control. I just ask patience. And if I disappear like in the next couple months please understand. This is not my plan for life. I'm just doing the best I can...
j
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