Inspired

So today I wake up...

There is still hurt and reality to face but I feel a shifting in dynamics of who I "am" to who I really am. And in that I'm finding freedom, peace, joy, anguish, anger, passion, and so much more. The best thing is I'm finding more and more new people that really are just good people. I've been keeping this all pent up too much. Too afraid that someone else will hurt me. Too scared that it will just be another of the same old song. The truth is that yes...I have a right to grieve...but I do not have the right to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. This has been the reality of my last 3 years and GOD I want to break the cycle. Before this I was heading to such a good place.

But what I've seen in all of this...because I have learned things. I'm pretty fucking awesome. LOL I am. I'm accepted and loved and worth all those things. I don't have all you lovely people in my life and the new ones just joining the ride (Or am I joining their's?) because I'm not worth it. You are all here because you see the truth even if has been hard for me to see behind this veil. I'm ready for whatever I want because the only things holding me back at this point are my fears. Even if I fall flat it doesn't diminish anything about the reality. To live...that is my claim. I haven't lived life since I was doing it mostly on questionable terms. But nothing says I can't grab hold, own it, and taste all this life has to give.

In all of this I'm not lying to myself. I know there is reality that still has to be faced. Loves I've lost along the way. Scars both physical and emotional. I need to work on these things if it is ever my hope that I don't define myself by failed pasts and unrealistically hopeful futures. Things just are. Life is hard. Work is a reality. Illness happens...even major illness. People come and go but we can choose to look at them as chapters in our tale or dwell on some concept of loss. There is a lot and I know I didn't get here and can just change overnight. But accepting that is a big part. I am only the complete sum of what I am moment to moment. The sum of all other time is irrelevant.

Love ya all. I'm feeling a need to move so I need to cut this off. I'll keep you all posted and again...thank you all for your support. Without you all I would not be here. One love all.

J...