Nanny Freakin' Boo Boo Apple :P

I think what is at issue here has more to do with this very Windows mentality that the majority of the computer field holds: if it is broke then we'll figure out the work around while the end user suffers. Apple has and will always be a company that strives to fix their issues before sending it out for consumer use. If more tech companies, Adobe included, spent more time in testing their products then they could gladly say anything they want. Instead they resort to responding to Apple like a bunch of spoiled children. I've used Adobe products for ages as a graphic designer and videographer and what I can say is they are the reason I use Apple products. Premiere has and will probably always be too buggy for professional grade video production. Oh...and just because something is the standard doesn't mean the standard is right. Slavery at one time was the standard. Prohibition of alcohol was at one time the standard. Just like those things, sometimes we need to embrace the future and find a better way. What we need to be doing instead is researching all our options, choosing the best one, and moving on to the better one when it comes along. Right now...html5 is looking mighty good.

J...

Gun Shy

I've lived the last 14 years of my life working in some creative field of another. It is work I really enjoy even if I don't really understand anything I do. I just perform and the work happens. So recently I've found myself employed as a partial pay intern for Pinnacle Media here in Bend, and I have to say (while apprehensive at times) it feels like home.

Matt and Jo Ann Hand are people I've worked with since my days at Westside. Oh the days. I did a little work with them on Waking the Dead and Above the Noise which were both great learning experiences for me and got me involved in something that was much bigger than I am. Since then I've done a couple Men's Summits in Redmond, Ignite Bend, concerts, seminars, and my favorite moment of the year with them: BendFilm. In each experience I've found something odd that doesn't feel comfortable even though I know it is good: respect.

You see, most jobs I've worked before my employers treated me like I was perpetually 16. At 32 I don't have to tell you how humiliating that is. I'm a hard worker with ideas and a willingness to learn yet every time I would work with someone (the church, the school, etc) I was always the kid in the office. Being treated like a man after so many years...well...I think I like it but it is new. Dignity at work is new. Respectful management that values your input and wants to help give you the best in all opportunities is new. I'm sticking around with this for a while.

So why am I writing this? Because if you are a manager think...think good and hard for a moment. How do you treat your employees? I believe there is a direct connect to the quality and quantity of work getting done and the working conditions of which it is done in. Just like a dirty workspace, poor management creates disorder and poor performance.

I could take this down a road about my hatred of many of the principles we learned during the Industrial Revolution but I'll just leave at this...as it was said to me...treat people like you would want to be treated. There is no simpler edict. If you are an ass then expect that in kind. If however you strive for something higher...like being a descent human being...then I can assure you sunny skies are ahead. This isn't a cure all but it is just good living.

In a time when everyone is hurting do you really want to be the person that is known for making things worse?

And in this week...

Profound things I've thought about week:

1. People smell. Not in the olfactory sense of smell like using ones nose. They have a scent that can be quite off putting. And I don't just mean body odor. There are some unidentifiable smells that can only be found on public transit that I'm perhaps glad I don't know the answer to. I ride the bus nearly every day here and have to say wow. And I could just be being picky as I shower sometimes twice a day and when I do...even once...I have product. Lots of shower product. I like to smell clean and hopefully people around me like it too.

2. Just when you think you've got things figured out something comes in and shakes down your fragile house of cards. Case in point, I've been trying to figure out a relationship I've had for some time and why it is always so odd. Things go hot and heavy forever, and then suddenly nothing. I'm left wondering if the person is okay, if I've done something, and in the end if I need to just write this person off because these patterns are just not normal. Lately writing people off has become easier but for some reason this one just won't let me do it.

3. Have you ever just wanted to punch someone? I mean not someone you're even angry at? Like there is so much to be angry at in the world that you want to find one annoying person, put all that baggage onto them, and then wale on them until you see the white meat? I think maybe I'm a little psychotic. LOL Not really. Even with yoga though I'm finding the more I work out the more angry and cocky I get.

I've met some beautiful people this week, got a chance to tell a guy who rides the bus what a great dad he is which made him cry, and heard some interesting thoughts that are bouncing around in my noggin as we speak. I've edited a promotional piece for a fantastic local organization that helps children and low income families which is always satisfying. And...how could I forget Lucy...our new office dog. She is the happiest little chunk of a dog ever, and you just have to love her. Well that is all really...enjoy your weekend folks. Mine started early.

J...

Today is 4:20...So?

Some of you have some inside information about me and so this will make more sense. Others just play along and nod at all the appropriate breaks. Today was a national holiday of sorts. For those brain dead that wreak of pottoulie this day is like a coming of age every year that makes those of us that imbibe on occasion look like a bunch of assholes. Firstly I want to thank you all for that. And now for the reasons I think 4:20 is dumb.

1) You can get stoned any day of the week. I understand that stoners much like drunks like to have the excuse the do that which they do every day just to make themselves feel better. The point is is it really different than any other day? You still wake up to 12 bowls of half eaten cereal on your floor and a love for all things Phish and Widespread Panic. You still gladly think the hippie stink you hose yourself with is sufficient enough to make people not upset that you don't shower (it doesn't work).

2) Did you know it is also Hitler's birthday? What a better way to say "Hey I want to rock the ganj and chill" than to celebrate a holiday for the green on the day one of the most hated historical figures was born. I know to me nothing says lets blaze one like the murder of between 11 and 17 million Jews. A weed holiday for me always seems more like something in the dead of winter. When you can't leave the house and have to get creative with the condiments and that last can of peas you have in the cupboard. Now that says ganja to me.

3) Let's bring attention to something that some of us would like to find some legitimacy to. Honestly folks. With legalization at a closer realization than ever before in history why should people be giving fuel to the pro-prohibition rhetoric? Much like the Tea Party folks don't like to be associated with inbred hicks, some of us like to distance ourselves from this image of the deshiveled idiot. It is distancing ourselves from this walking cliche that opens up valid conversation when it comes to this small but vocal group.

I've probably given away a bit about myself, but I can't abide by this image. I'm not a stoner...really I'm not...but I've been known to imbibe and I most certainly have my opinions when it comes to things of this matter. So maybe next year I'll start my own unholiday...some sort of anti-420 where the smokers of the world lay down their pipes and pick up a news paper or read a blog or do something other than just smoke and take up space. Maybe you could join a protest or write an editorial for your local paper. Just please avoid phrases like "you know" and "like". This seems more and more like a war lately, and one for the right reasons I'm willing to rage...

J...

Honesty

The following is not written out of anger but more a glimpse into the inner workings of my mind. I'll take any emotional responses to this with a grain of salt assuredly. But before we get to the meat I have to do this...

WARNING: Contains content sure to offend, so if easily offended avert your eyes now.

There. That is out of the way. This has been bugging me for quite some time now. I keep hearing phrases like, "You've changed so much." or "You've gotten so jaded." I want to bring to light the fact that most of you all didn't know me between 18 and 25. There are many of you that didn't even KNOW me even though we've known of each other since I was a wee lad. And I would still venture to say that no one really knows me. Friends who have gotten close enough know of these luxurious walls I've constructed because this is my true feelings about humanity: I can trust no one but myself. Yes...even my friends and family.

Now let's not get confused. I didn't say love...I said trust. And certainly there has to be some trust to have love exist. I can agree with that. So those that I've said I love I do so generously based on the moment in time you've proved to me that a semblance of trust has been earned. You have proven to me that I can give you some trust, just not complete trust. I trust no one wholeheartedly because I KNOW at the core people are naturally after what is most beneficial to themselves. It isn't a fault. It is simply in our nature. The primal needs of the beast that resides in any of us will nearly always win out even if it is just from the standpoint of a yearning and a longing. The truth is we can't not at least desire happiness, wealth, companionship, etc. It is just the way we are built. I've said this makes us evil but I've come to realize natural instinct can be no more good or bad then can a sunset or the oxygen we inhale. These things are incapable of being anything more then just nature.

But back on point. What I want this to be more than anything is not a self-serving diatribe but more of a statement answering questions that I'm sure all of you have and are too scared to ask. This is me. Simple as that. I've talked in previous letters about my messy life. This is not a new occurence but is really just me and how I deal with life the best I can with the tools I've been given. For years I wore a facade. I tried to mold my life in a sheepish way of sugary kindness and what I've found is that instead of staying in the field I've always belonged to the pack. I was a wolf in sheep's clothing. Again...neither evil or good...just doing what comes best in my nature. The thing I learned in trying to live life like the other half is that: 1. I don't know how you all keep up the fake smiles and allow the worries of the world to just pass on by, and 2. I'm not and never will be (gladly I might add) part of that other half.

I've done a lot in life. I've fucked off for a good portion of my adult life and can't deny that I've enjoyed quite a bit of it. The underlying theme I've realized in all of this is that the reason I'm not good at "normal" is because the normal we all prescribe to is part of a cookie cutter existence that I'm never going to be a part of. And I don't want to be. Never fool yourselves in reading this thinking that this is an outcry of a hurt heart or "Jack's off his meds again." This is said clearly and with a continued joy in my heart that I don't live a lie anymore.

So what was a lie? Westside was a lie. Leadership was a lie. So much of that life was a lie. It was me constantly racing against the horses while never leaving the starting gate. It was pain and anguish and frustration and sacrifice for what in the end amounted to a few good moments, a painful recovery, and the realization that people outside in the "ugly world" are just as ugly within the walls of an institution. Some so ugly in fact that my choices came down to survival which ultimately led to fight/flight reactions. And since I don't really want anyone dead I decided flight was my best option.

Now finally after 3 years I'm reconnected and doing great. I have a job I love. I have good friends that I'm sharing this trip called life with. Some of my relationships have faltered but in the end life is too short for me to worry about that. People come and go. If you've decided to go then don't expect me to come running heart broke. This is just a station in life's journey and I'm on the express train. My life simple amounts to this:

1. I could care less about video games, comics, movies, and tv. Really. I know that some of you read posts about these very things but I've grown enough to know that I can't let these items of fantasy define me like they have for so many years. I write my own dictionary. Defining my life with fantasy and drama only detracts from things I should be doing: experiencing, learning, and growing. It is all entertainment and in its place I'm glad to have it. But without balance (which most of my life has been without) I simply am a shallow person with nothing to say.

2. If you bring drama into my life or simply look to get a reaction out of me then you are barking up the wrong fucking tree. This goes especially to some of you women in my life. I've been an emotional yoyo all in the means of attaining relationship and companionship and just a little appreciation. The big mistake in that is it leads to a search for validation from other people. I don't need or want your validation. Save that for the tourists.

3. I live to experience and enjoy and grow through each experience. That means "rules" don't really work in my ideology. I do believe in a deity as stated in my last post. I love Christ with all my heart and really if I'm honest I always have even before church. Experience is really the only reason we are here though. I told a friend recently that the reason I've made a choice in my life is, "...it takes the training wheels off my life." I want that wall to continue to be torn down and if it is "safe" then chances are I don't want anything to do with it.

4. If you have a beef with me say it! I won't hit you I promise. :) Well...I guess I can't promise that but I'll try not to. I value simply what the title of this post is and will give it in turn if I feel it has been received: honesty. If you can't be honest with me then I don't have time for you. Don't bother. If you can't accept honesty from me then again...be gone. I can say since my leave during the summer I've done my best to be honest with you all. If you feel I haven't then lets talk. But I won't abide someone that can look me square in the face and feed me a pack of lies. I read it well. I can call bullshit. That is why a couple people in my life are gone. I have no time for you. Fucking grow up.

Whew...I think I'll leave it at that. I still want to kick it if you're down. That means hang out for anyone that isn't getting what I'm saying. ;) Despite these changes I find I'm still the same fun loving big guy I've always been. Maybe a little more bear then teddy now, but in part I'm making up for a lot of time that these teeth have been muzzled and my claws sheathed. Everyone needs a release and I'm letting out a lot more than keeping in. If this becomes the end of our journey then I hope it has been fun but this is just me: crazy politico, Socialist, neuvo intellectual, writer, artist, and definitely separated from the modern bourgeoisie movement. This has been a lot but I've had a lot to say. I always have a lot to say.

J...

Faith Ain't What It Used to Be

Given the fairly even keel I've found my life in recently it only makes sense that something would be on my mind. Faith has been a huge issue for me lately. My faith has not waned. God and I still converse and it is very real and pleasant. It is the only relationship I have that I can really count on at this point in my life. The greater issue is labeling my faith. I prescribe to the Biblical God or judeo-christianity. Life is still ruled by the book and my understanding of God in my own life. But being away from the church has allowed me to experience so much that I struggle to lump myself in with so many that do so much hurt in the name of God.

For every Brennan Manning, Donald Miller, or CS Lewis it seems I have to take the Tea Partiers, Focus on the Family, and Pat Robertson and his heartless 700 Club. It is mind boggling not just from an ethical standpoint but from an intellectual standpoint as well that such great men can represent a pure faith with love, grace, and healing to be followed by so many that spew ignorance, lies, and hatred all in the name of God. The God I know loves me for me...faults and all. I don't see that God in the actions of so many people that are in the spotlight and represent my faith. And what I do see makes me sick.

I've grown in this time to tell people I'm a spiritual person with a love for Jesus Christ not because I'm ashamed of God, but because I'm ashamed of a label. And I know. So many of you right now are chomping at the bit to go on the attack and ask me why I'm so perfect. I'm not perfect. I've never been happier to be a failure because I know that when I face God the words from his mouth will be just as if we never stopped talking. It will be just as if we continued right from where we left off. I welcome God in my messy life. And I know he may not always be glad it is so messy but I know he is glad to be there.

The real issue here is ignorance and hatred. It is one thing if you are one of the hundreds of millions of peon Christians that don't have an international spotlight. It is completely something else when your faith links you to the bile spewed in the name of political grandstanding. It is completely something else when you use your national pulpit to preach against "faggots" or "drug addicts" or anything that isn't conservative and Republican. Last I checked God is a big fan of variety. He is also huge in the areas of grace and forgiveness. I'm not attempting to attack any of my near and dear friends here but ask yourself what you represent? Is it something you can be proud of? Is it something that God made you to be?

I don't get on the "faith" kick often but this has been plaguing me recently. To the extent that I've uttered the words, "secular humanism sounds really good right now." But that just isn't reality. Believe or not, I know my faith is as much an ingrained part of me as the air I breathe. I just hope there is one day I can live it fully without the shame I live in because being associated with a group makes me look just as bad as them.

J...