The following is not written out of anger but more a glimpse into the inner workings of my mind. I'll take any emotional responses to this with a grain of salt assuredly. But before we get to the meat I have to do this...
There. That is out of the way. This has been bugging me for quite some time now. I keep hearing phrases like, "You've changed so much." or "You've gotten so jaded." I want to bring to light the fact that most of you all didn't know me between 18 and 25. There are many of you that didn't even KNOW me even though we've known of each other since I was a wee lad. And I would still venture to say that no one really knows me. Friends who have gotten close enough know of these luxurious walls I've constructed because this is my true feelings about humanity: I can trust no one but myself. Yes...even my friends and family.
Now let's not get confused. I didn't say love...I said trust. And certainly there has to be some trust to have love exist. I can agree with that. So those that I've said I love I do so generously based on the moment in time you've proved to me that a semblance of trust has been earned. You have proven to me that I can give you some trust, just not complete trust. I trust no one wholeheartedly because I KNOW at the core people are naturally after what is most beneficial to themselves. It isn't a fault. It is simply in our nature. The primal needs of the beast that resides in any of us will nearly always win out even if it is just from the standpoint of a yearning and a longing. The truth is we can't not at least desire happiness, wealth, companionship, etc. It is just the way we are built. I've said this makes us evil but I've come to realize natural instinct can be no more good or bad then can a sunset or the oxygen we inhale. These things are incapable of being anything more then just nature.
But back on point. What I want this to be more than anything is not a self-serving diatribe but more of a statement answering questions that I'm sure all of you have and are too scared to ask. This is me. Simple as that. I've talked in previous letters about my messy life. This is not a new occurence but is really just me and how I deal with life the best I can with the tools I've been given. For years I wore a facade. I tried to mold my life in a sheepish way of sugary kindness and what I've found is that instead of staying in the field I've always belonged to the pack. I was a wolf in sheep's clothing. Again...neither evil or good...just doing what comes best in my nature. The thing I learned in trying to live life like the other half is that: 1. I don't know how you all keep up the fake smiles and allow the worries of the world to just pass on by, and 2. I'm not and never will be (gladly I might add) part of that other half.
I've done a lot in life. I've fucked off for a good portion of my adult life and can't deny that I've enjoyed quite a bit of it. The underlying theme I've realized in all of this is that the reason I'm not good at "normal" is because the normal we all prescribe to is part of a cookie cutter existence that I'm never going to be a part of. And I don't want to be. Never fool yourselves in reading this thinking that this is an outcry of a hurt heart or "Jack's off his meds again." This is said clearly and with a continued joy in my heart that I don't live a lie anymore.
So what was a lie? Westside was a lie. Leadership was a lie. So much of that life was a lie. It was me constantly racing against the horses while never leaving the starting gate. It was pain and anguish and frustration and sacrifice for what in the end amounted to a few good moments, a painful recovery, and the realization that people outside in the "ugly world" are just as ugly within the walls of an institution. Some so ugly in fact that my choices came down to survival which ultimately led to fight/flight reactions. And since I don't really want anyone dead I decided flight was my best option.
Now finally after 3 years I'm reconnected and doing great. I have a job I love. I have good friends that I'm sharing this trip called life with. Some of my relationships have faltered but in the end life is too short for me to worry about that. People come and go. If you've decided to go then don't expect me to come running heart broke. This is just a station in life's journey and I'm on the express train. My life simple amounts to this:
1. I could care less about video games, comics, movies, and tv. Really. I know that some of you read posts about these very things but I've grown enough to know that I can't let these items of fantasy define me like they have for so many years. I write my own dictionary. Defining my life with fantasy and drama only detracts from things I should be doing: experiencing, learning, and growing. It is all entertainment and in its place I'm glad to have it. But without balance (which most of my life has been without) I simply am a shallow person with nothing to say.
2. If you bring drama into my life or simply look to get a reaction out of me then you are barking up the wrong fucking tree. This goes especially to some of you women in my life. I've been an emotional yoyo all in the means of attaining relationship and companionship and just a little appreciation. The big mistake in that is it leads to a search for validation from other people. I don't need or want your validation. Save that for the tourists.
3. I live to experience and enjoy and grow through each experience. That means "rules" don't really work in my ideology. I do believe in a deity as stated in my last post. I love Christ with all my heart and really if I'm honest I always have even before church. Experience is really the only reason we are here though. I told a friend recently that the reason I've made a choice in my life is, "...it takes the training wheels off my life." I want that wall to continue to be torn down and if it is "safe" then chances are I don't want anything to do with it.
4. If you have a beef with me say it! I won't hit you I promise. :) Well...I guess I can't promise that but I'll try not to. I value simply what the title of this post is and will give it in turn if I feel it has been received: honesty. If you can't be honest with me then I don't have time for you. Don't bother. If you can't accept honesty from me then again...be gone. I can say since my leave during the summer I've done my best to be honest with you all. If you feel I haven't then lets talk. But I won't abide someone that can look me square in the face and feed me a pack of lies. I read it well. I can call bullshit. That is why a couple people in my life are gone. I have no time for you. Fucking grow up.
Whew...I think I'll leave it at that. I still want to kick it if you're down. That means hang out for anyone that isn't getting what I'm saying. ;) Despite these changes I find I'm still the same fun loving big guy I've always been. Maybe a little more bear then teddy now, but in part I'm making up for a lot of time that these teeth have been muzzled and my claws sheathed. Everyone needs a release and I'm letting out a lot more than keeping in. If this becomes the end of our journey then I hope it has been fun but this is just me: crazy politico, Socialist, neuvo intellectual, writer, artist, and definitely separated from the modern bourgeoisie movement. This has been a lot but I've had a lot to say. I always have a lot to say.
J...
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