So it hits me...

I've done my fair amount of complaining over the last week. Kinda lost scope and returned to some old habits...man those danged things are hard to kill. But between Libya, NPR, Planned Parenthood, etc. I just reacted emotionally and condemned the ideas instead of seeing a greater purpose that could be had here.

At this point, not caring which side you stand on, I think most would agree our government has failed. Failed to make sure it is taking care of its duties, failed to find solutions to policies that are too old for the current world we live in, and just failed to meet the expectations of what a government should be...an unbiased governing body there for the well-fare of its peoples. At the same time we have to take some responsibility. Had this realization come from the strangest of places, but part of what this person said is true: "Everyone just wants everything for free."

He's right. Nothing is free in life. The cost may be unseen but it is there. There are always strings attached which got me to thinking about maybe having certain organizations out of government hands and moved to privately ran organizations that have to cut through much less of the red tape that kept these places stifled for so long. Not saying the NPR or PBS could just "come up with the money", but there are enough private individuals in this country with money and ambition that they could easily start working on an alternative to fill the void that is left when our government decided to pull funding. The point being that the money would then come not from a corrupt government that cares little for its people, but instead from individuals that care specifically for these issues freeing up tax dollars for things like education and healthcare which are much bigger issues in this country right now.

So I guess where my challenged started as declaration for people to be creative I will now extend that to simply...and I know I've heard this so much...be the change. There is no reason that private contributors can't take and mold similar organizations. You can make the choice to complain and have no answers, or we can look at his as a challenge to be overcome. I know this generalizes a bit. NPR and PBS certainly control their content to an extent. All these places have had really happen is pulling of government funding but there are more dollars out there. But if you really want to see the message continue. If you really want to see something you support and believe in not die then be that message. I know this is for me mostly as I need to turn from sudden bursts of rage and embrace that I am a divine instrument of change, and the only choice I have to make is which battle do I fight? What about you? What is important enough for you to lay it on the line?

All that to say...good job Mr. Rogers on fighting Congress back in the '70's. Obviously we don't live in that world anymore. Maybe back then they listened. Today we live in a much different society where our congressional seat holders prove time and time again it is their agenda that will always be chosen first, and the cost it has to their constituents is negligible to them most the time. We can take control and actually start working to benefit our fellow man...the one right out your back door...or we can just be another loud-mouthed do-nothing. I'm going to try and do.

Men...NO PITY Women...on behalf of young men I'm sorry

As men we have power. More than we recognize. Power that is often abused and used to abuse others. A reality I find daily as I talk to more and more of the young ladies I keep running into. What happened to being a man? A good man that finds core values and belief systems. Stands up for the hard things in life and makes those hard choices because that is what a man does. Not saying Christian either. Just a man! What I am saying is that when the message your life sends is, "I like to do drugs and rape."...well...I have no pity and no forgiveness for you. In fact, be glad I'm finding inner peace because what I want to give you (obviously through the emotion of the moment) is an end.

I may not be perfect but I know how to treat a woman. And it isn't because I had perfect parents. It came from some trial and error, but a lot of common sense. Common sense is greatly lacking guys. I know that there are certain lines that no matter what she says or does my option is always that I CAN choose to walk away. I can. And it has come in handy. I've never hit a woman in my life, never done anything sexually I've regretted, and more often than not I know it comes down to the simple choice that I am in control of me. Not her. Not my friends. I control me.

So when I hear about this new generation...this group of young men between 16-30 that have decided it is okay to perpetrate one of the most destructive and vile acts, rape...well...I won't hit you. I've done that. I've pummeled and beat to a pulp and all those good things. What I will do instead is go right to the cops. Encourage these girls in taking out restraining orders and getting you out of their lives. I WILL see you put away. I don't care your age. I've been to jail...almost prison. It isn't fun. And you deserve that reality. You deserve to have your lives ruined. You deserve prison sex and probably worse. I don't give a fuck how bad your home life was. When you rape you destroy something so beautiful. You destroy a soul but you also destroy an act that when done right...oh when done right...can be an amazing piece of a healthy relationship. Take some fucking responsibility.

If you are one of the many girls I know that are facing these things there is help. I want you to have healing. I want your hearts to know that not every guy in the world will hurt you. That some can be trusted. And some will even make you happy from time to time. We aren't perfect. I know I'm not perfect for just anyone. But good love is out there. Love that tells you it is okay to let down the walls. Love that doesn't demand or take or steal what you aren't ready to give. Love that is patient, kind, giving, and so many other things. But more importantly there is help like:

Saving Grace

http://www.saving-grace.org/

5413897021 24 Hour Hotline

18665048992

Call. You are too good to not press charges. You are too good to not take control of what was taken from you. And more important you are too good for you. We are all instruments of the divine. Don't let his fucked up actions muddy that. Get help and send a message that women of the world will not take the violence of a whole slew of men that just don't fucking get it. You get that in control and it is my hope there will be joy in all your futures. And if you have kids you owe it to them too. Find heath and healing. And love... My heart breaks for you ladies and I say on behalf of men everywhere I'm sorry for the hurt you have faced. May more light lie ahead.

Peace

A calling...a banner...a burning efigy

I had more to say and Facebook status just isn't that place. So here goes...

I'm living my life. For the first time in...EVER...I'm living life and making decisions that are good for me regardless of whether I have everyone's support of not. And why am I doing this? Because of "stormy weather".

"Stormy weather" is the name I gave the chaos inside my heart. It was a conglomerate of fretting and worrying energy. Belief systems based on what I have been told was wrong or reinforced rules and lifestyle choices I never bought into but did because it made people happy or pleased my parents or...God forbid...I would ever do anything in my life to give me pleasure or joy? Well for years I haven't. I drank and drugged for a time...ran after religions and faiths...all in this pursuit to make this ever-looming force quiet a little. It wasn't until these last few months I've began to come to the simple realization that life is just too fucking short.

Now this isn't free reign. It isn't some pie-in-the-sky, get out of jail free scheme that gives people no accountability for being assholes and treating others like shit. If your freedom comes at the cost of someone else's reality then your desires and wants maybe need a little work. What I am doing in this time is going in for the share: Share of time, energy, space, and experience. Once found it is up to me to make the hard choices, but in that finding that sometimes the only reason these things were hard choices is because I CHOSE to make them that. My friends Leah, Jennifer, Scott, Violet, my freakin' brother Eric, and a few others have shown me so much...at 33...in just simply saying to life, "Just chill out."

And I have. I catch myself falling back. Like last night which I'm a little ashamed of. Getting caught in that moment for some perceived want or need. But this is the tattoos. The piercings. The late night vague status posts. Loving underground urban and still dancing while listening to Usher everywhere I go. The honest, sometimes too honest for some of you folks, conversations I share with you now. We're all human. We all have our hang ups and insecurities. I know I have a lot less now though. I love my body. I love my mind and how I process. I love being impractical and maybe a little aloof about things...a little "head in the clouds" perhaps. But for me it was embracing a lot of what I always knew I NEEDED to experience for myself before I could label it. It is finally figuring out the pieces that make me who I am not like most people earlier on, but like myself because it is in this time and this place that I was meant to find me.

So folks...this is me grabbing life and asking you to do that same. We never know if Bend will one day be beach front property or we will face nuclear holocaust...or hell...even getting run over by a bus. My challenge to people is to stop living in regret and love big, but love big first of yourself. Once you grasp that give that love away. I love myself. LOVE myself. I've hated everything about me for most my life and can't tell you how the joy of loving me makes tears well up in my eyes. Happy tears that say in their trails and rivulets, "Welcome home."

Embrace the divine

One Love