I'm living my life. For the first time in...EVER...I'm living life and making decisions that are good for me regardless of whether I have everyone's support of not. And why am I doing this? Because of "stormy weather".
"Stormy weather" is the name I gave the chaos inside my heart. It was a conglomerate of fretting and worrying energy. Belief systems based on what I have been told was wrong or reinforced rules and lifestyle choices I never bought into but did because it made people happy or pleased my parents or...God forbid...I would ever do anything in my life to give me pleasure or joy? Well for years I haven't. I drank and drugged for a time...ran after religions and faiths...all in this pursuit to make this ever-looming force quiet a little. It wasn't until these last few months I've began to come to the simple realization that life is just too fucking short.
Now this isn't free reign. It isn't some pie-in-the-sky, get out of jail free scheme that gives people no accountability for being assholes and treating others like shit. If your freedom comes at the cost of someone else's reality then your desires and wants maybe need a little work. What I am doing in this time is going in for the share: Share of time, energy, space, and experience. Once found it is up to me to make the hard choices, but in that finding that sometimes the only reason these things were hard choices is because I CHOSE to make them that. My friends Leah, Jennifer, Scott, Violet, my freakin' brother Eric, and a few others have shown me so much...at 33...in just simply saying to life, "Just chill out."
And I have. I catch myself falling back. Like last night which I'm a little ashamed of. Getting caught in that moment for some perceived want or need. But this is the tattoos. The piercings. The late night vague status posts. Loving underground urban and still dancing while listening to Usher everywhere I go. The honest, sometimes too honest for some of you folks, conversations I share with you now. We're all human. We all have our hang ups and insecurities. I know I have a lot less now though. I love my body. I love my mind and how I process. I love being impractical and maybe a little aloof about things...a little "head in the clouds" perhaps. But for me it was embracing a lot of what I always knew I NEEDED to experience for myself before I could label it. It is finally figuring out the pieces that make me who I am not like most people earlier on, but like myself because it is in this time and this place that I was meant to find me.
So folks...this is me grabbing life and asking you to do that same. We never know if Bend will one day be beach front property or we will face nuclear holocaust...or hell...even getting run over by a bus. My challenge to people is to stop living in regret and love big, but love big first of yourself. Once you grasp that give that love away. I love myself. LOVE myself. I've hated everything about me for most my life and can't tell you how the joy of loving me makes tears well up in my eyes. Happy tears that say in their trails and rivulets, "Welcome home."
Embrace the divine
One Love
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