Heather...
A lot has happened since you've been gone. Some good. Some bad. But all with the reality that I have to pick up and move on. More than anything I'm completely unsure what that looks like still at this point. I met a great girl and though things didn't work out I'm sure we will be great friends. And I know you would like her. She is a lot like me. She really has been there for me through a lot. I've made a lot of new friends recently actually and each one of them is helping me remember what it is like to live again.
I've been walking a lot again. Makes me think of those nice moonlit nights we used to walk on the beach or the time camping in the bed of your truck. So many times and so many memories. You were always so cold but it didn't bother me. I just pulled you in closer, taking in all of you and that amazing fragrance of you that was never anything you put on. It was just the deep satisfying smell of you...my woman...my baby. I'll take the memory of that green pillow and black bangs flowing over green eyes to the grave with me I'm sure. I miss it.
There are a lot of things I miss. Mostly simple. Mostly little. All seemed so much more when I had 'em. I love that you always made me feel like I belong even when you sometimes didn't understand because our world's were so different. That sometimes Teddy would become the bear but your soft words and soothing hand always brought me right back down. You were one of a handful of people in my life that I felt at home with no matter where I was, and you brought me closest to my feeling of ease all the while beckoning a storm inside. But it is time to move on.
Because I know that is what you would want for me. You loved me like no other when I still struggle living in a world where I think no woman could ever love what I am, but knowing the love that you had for me makes me think that I might just have something to give some lucky woman. And her me too. You give me hope. Help me see I'm not a monster...that I'm soft and lovey and silly and dopey...that it was cute I would make up little songs about you and sing them around the house LOL...and that all these things are good things to be. You made me so little when I struggle so hard to not be my frame but show the world that inside this torrent is something so gentle and real. The last of the true "good guys" you used to say and made "good guys" not seem like such a bad phrase because you knew my goodness would always come back to you.
So I can go on. I can espouse those things I miss about you, or I can do better. I can take your gifts and make them mine because there were so many beyond just you. You gave me vision, made me want to be a better man, and there is no reason that has to stop now. So I would say my gift to you this year is simply this: holding on to the lessons you gave me and the love you shared as a beacon in this dark time. In this knowing that at I'm good enough, worthy, and accepted. I set your smiling face as a light in the gloom and doom. And I set on my heart that you were my baby but now...you are always going to be my angel. I love you Heather...so much that even pulling into this realness makes me ache for you. I hope wherever you are that love knows you too. You were loves gift to me...
J...
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