Passion: What's That!?

Have had some time over the holiday weekend to really spend some time alone and search my heart for if there is anything that resembles "human". The truth is sometimes I feel like such a constant resting place for feelings of sadness, anger, and pain. Almost like I'm less a carbon-based life form and more an automaton for bitterness making emotion. So in the quiet space I had for myself over most of the week I've realized one of my biggest issues: I have no outlet.

For years I played percussion. Loved it. Still air drum from time to time and would challenge anyone to my keeping time skills. LOL I became a human metronome. It was always something that was good for me when I was frustrated with life and just couldn't take anymore. And along the lines I've found other things to replace it, but (and not saying I'm going to become a 33 year old drummer) I'm finally realizing in my immaturity what I had given up. It was the one thing that was all me and I could put my heart in.

For most of my life there are similar carcasses along the way. Music, computer programming, pastoring, and many other things have shown moments of dedication in my life, but in the end I always give up as not being good enough by someones standards I'll never beat: my own. It is the reason (I found this out this summer) that when most people talk about me in my family the question always comes up of why I ever quit that.

Rambling. There is a point to this. I need another outlet. I have a lot of things I would be interested in dabbling with but think maybe a new thing is not the way. I need to find that one thing that defines me and chase after it with all my heart. Funny thing is I do kinda know what that is. Film. Making it. Watching it. Discussing it. Film is something I think most would agree is at the core of who I am. I know actors, directors, writers, and other minutea of the business. But I think I need something that meets a physical need as well...hmmm? Thoughts?