I've struck out
And can't win
The door is closed
The game is done
And never giving up
Was my cardinal sin
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So here I am...sick again but going to work. Eating a bagel no less which I'm sure is a bad idea. I'm a so tired of living life sickness to sickness.
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I'm directionless. Sailing the seas, bobbing to and fro has become a way of life for me with nothing being certain and the only thing being certain is that I'm breathing. Maybe that is enough. I can't think it is. Always life has felt like a draw to more. This year I've focused on surrounding myself with the minutia of craziness going on in the world around me. A greater understanding of things like poverty, financial issues, and the true impact of a "me first" culture. All this has managed to do is to bring into question the one thing I was sure of: my faith.
I suppose in the greater scheme of things it will come back but when you can quantify and regulate each "miracle" down to a number things seem a little more cut black and white. In that coldness you wonder to you embrace a cold reality yourself finding things like relationships and sexuality becoming nothing more than a means to perform a function. These things are broken down to exchanges of ideas and bodily fluids. Ideas exchanged much like computers filling out ever vast storages to brimming with knowledge that does little more than inflate. DNA exchanges that mean little more than the propagation of the species, the race, a credo, and a family unit.
So cold hard steel is where I'm at. I'm hoping it isn't where I'll stay. There is compassion in this heart that screams out just thinking about that idea but the voice gets quieter as the days go on. And before my Christian friends start in...no...church is not the answer. Church got me here. I pray when I deem necessary but even that feels like little more than ritual. And this could all be the result of too little sleep and too much fever for my own damn good. :)
J...
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