The daily

This week was both bad and good. Bad in the fact that I had a blow up and wasn't quite as successful in my health plan for a myriad of reasons. Good because I finally got some reassurance in what is ultimately the ongoing battle of my life. We'll start with the bad and lead to the good with a nice little breakout to ponder some insights.

Last June I was pushed in a direction to move back home. This has been a subject of news articles and studies over the last 15 years as people my age seem to be more and more likely to be doing this at some point. We can point fingers and blame in all sorts of factors but that's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm here to talk about the dichotomoy of social living. Being in Coos County means my social life is dead. I will take the brunt of most the blame in this as I do have an overall attitude about most the people who live in this area, their interests, their commitment to quality and passion, and what I feel most of them share in a vastly draconian mindset of how the world works. I also have made decisions that while I have family in the area I will choose to alienate them because of some greater issues I'm having with one family member whom they all seem to be siding with. That all said, it has become difficult for me because especially in these winter months I'm prone to get cabin fever if I allow myself to separate too much from conversation (something social media would remedy if I hadn't alienated most my "friends" because of my opinions). It has left me with a growing need to find things like closeness, intimacy, shared opinions and thoughts, and a load of other things we all desire as part of the human experience. Honestly, it all has made me feel less human.

Then there is the fact that while my immediate family (my Mother, her husband, and my half sister Lily) have opened up their lives to me becoming a part of their family structure, it has always been difficult for me to get along with certain aspects of that family unit. This I will leave as that because it is not my job to drag anyone's name through the mud in such a public spectacle. I'll simply say that this week the demands of the unit and my expectations and needs came to an impasse that almost ended in fists. This has always and will always be my last resort. I can count the number of times I have actually hit someone in my adult like on one hand, and though even bringing it up embarrasses me some, I do pride myself on trying to be the (sometimes loud) peace keeper. So that led me to further compound my issues because I have locked myself away in my little place, fighting the hurts and pains cold weather brings on yearly, and stuck too damned much in my mind which has a tendency to make things even worse. All has culminated in me going down a road I travel all too often where I begin to question my sanity. It is easy to do when the only true voice you value is your own, and it seems that even that voice has lost a little of its control and whimsy. My own voice: the cruelest of all words spoken.

There has been some light though. In the months being here I have tried to take lessons from my struggles. I have tried to use those to build on who I am, refocus to give me an outlet in what I know will be best for me moving on, and try to find ways that make my life fulfilling again. I'm still in the planning stages as I often find myself because unlike some of the bigger cities I've lived in or even Bend, there is not a lot of means of transportation to or from the places I need to get to get the ball rolling. But I've made a bit of a commitment to taking up more people on their offers to do odd jobs (I've been doing quite a few monthly since moving here) and maybe just to sit down and talk. I had one of those good talks this week after the beginning of my week spun out into disaster. It was one of those moments that is like a pat on the back. A moment where I laid out my heart and soul to another human being, was very honest about my struggles and opinions in life, and got back some reassurance that I'm doing okay. It was good to lay out some plans and some of my passions and hear that these are things that I should be moving forward with. It was great to say, "I think I'm losing my mind," and hear that was simply not the case. I can take some reassurance in I am seeing needs in the community that are real, my heart is focused in the right direction, and that some of the solutions I'm thinking will meet a need aren't just welcomed but are things that will be good outlets for me moving on and getting my feet back under me again.

I have a few more of these meetings coming up...one in a couple weeks which I'm rather excited about. In that time I'm getting recommitted to doing what I can to prepare myself before hand. Reading everything I can get my hands on, writing down ideas and structuring a plan, and being honest with myself that even if I do have purpose here, Coos County was only a visit. This is not where I belong. It is however where I am and I have to try and make the best of it. I have slipped a bit in my move towards healthy living but I'm noticing it and doing my best to make it work. The sheer amount of physical pain I've been in isn't helping but I've even got a starting point for that. We'll see what we can do about that I hope soon, but it is good to have a starting point and to know that I'm not "crazy".