..

I have to honest. I'm struggling and I don't know what to do. My pain threshold is at an end. I want to scream at the world right now. But what good does it do? Another cry in the dark and no rest in my current state. It just keeps adding while I keep hearing from people it will get better or that I need to seek answers in faith. My faith is ultimately limited. I don't like being an unpleasant person. I like being a person that gets along generally with most of the public, and someone that contributes to the world he lives in. But where I'm at now...doing odd jobs that barely keep me up on bills with no money for rent, food, etc...in pain most of every day which has now been expounded upon with an absessed tooth keeps me on edge and barely able to handle any kind of stress or change...needing a psychological break so I can heal from things that have plagued me most my adult life...it just doesn't look like there is any hope. If I'm completely honest lately I've just wished the cancer would have taken me at 23. Since 23 I've been experiencing pain on a whole new level. And not just the physical. With brief moments of respite I played a lot of parts making people think I was happy and okay, but I don't know if as an adult I can ever say I've been okay. It is a lot of work maintaining. For years I maintained myself while taking care of so many other people making sure they were fed and clothed and housed and could find work. Meanwhile I've struggled in all these areas myself when ultimately what I really want is just contentedness. There are a lot of things I desire. I desire as always a meaningful romantic relationship but that has never happened. I desire the ability to see a lot of my dreams come true. So many of these dreams were contingent on time now though and frankly I'm getting too old in life to see some of them happen at the level I had wanted it to. This is just me being honest...I'm not doing well. I haven't been well for almost half my life. I just want to sleep.