I'm destroyed...

I'm coming apart at the seems. I know deep down in my person that everything I'm doing now is so important to my survival and really improving my life, but in the end I'm still having to deal and face myself in the mirror ever day. I still have to deal with the hurt that has been accrued. I have had to deal with the fact that every woman I have ever loved except one has emasculated me and left me with nothing and in the end choose rapists, drug addicts, perverts, abusers, and the like over me who only wants to love unconditionally. And then I'm told MY love is broken. I'm told I'm not ready. Yet these horrible people are? I had one...ONE...that did love me and she killed herself.

So in the end I'm left with questions. What gigantic cosmic fuck up did I do to deserve this? Is there really any plan to any of this or am I just a cosmological toy to be push, pulled, prodded for the amusement of some omniscient consciousness? I guess I just sit here with my questions...and have to accept that there is no answers to a lot of it. I just want to give up...but I can't...I won't. But this.  This is the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to do. Peace...